The Ford Retort

You are NOT the Father!

2011-03-11T15:06:00.002-06:00

Well, let's be honest. LBF does not exactly look like her dad! I told Lilly's mother that I'm considering taking her on the Maury Povich show to get a paternity test. By the way, did you know Maury is married to Connie Chung?

Realistically, I'm like Mr. Snerdley. He says he is not very good at the "he looks like.../she has her mother's..." game. I'm not either. But the conventional wisdom is that LBF favors Jamie, but has my mouth/chin. Whichever side you come down on, here is some heredity Jamie and I are both thankful for. LBF has...

1) Jamie's toes. I went through a large portion of my life believing that everyone else had freakishly-long toes. I eventually came to understand that my toes are just short (but they're not webbed as Jamie likes to say).
2) Michael's temperament. LBF is not easily upset. Enough said.
3) Jamie's nose. Woohoo!
4) Michael's eyes. Well to be clear, I think LBF has Jamie's eyes and my eye color. Again, are we sure this is my child?
5) Michael and Jamie's Chaucer obsession. She loves her Chaucey baby!

Lilly Blair Ford

2011-03-08T08:02:00.002-06:00

Faithful Ford Retort readers, Lilly Blair Ford has arrived!

Lilly (LBF) entered this world on March 5, 2011, at 5:41 am in room 211 of the Wiser Hospital for Women and Infants at UMMC. She weighed 6 lbs, 8 oz and measured 20 inches long.

Jamie and I are very proud of our first child!

Carnival Cruise

2010-09-07T21:46:00.001-05:00

Last month, Jamie and I and the Usual Suspects embarked on a cruise.

Now let me go ahead and disappoint you. For faithful Ford Readers, I rarely hold back anything. However, my better judgment will not a allow me to posts any quotes from our trip. Sorry, it just ain't gonna happen. I'm sure a couple of you are thinking, "Michael, you aren't foolin' me. There were no quotes." Let my response be firm and lucid: Do not decieve yourselves. We were birthing quotes like a Medicaid momma births babies. Quotes abounded from every orifice, and frankly, that's why I'm not posting any. Well, how about three?

"Hey look, it's Funship Freddie!"
"That's what got us in this situation."
"I knock down a couple of drinks of the day, and the next thing you know, I'm on the Lido deck doing the Cupid Shuffle."

Actually, I just made up the third quote, but it would have been a good one had I (or one of the Usual Suspects) said it.

Overall, our cruise was a grand success. While life afloat is delightful at the end of the day, it's always good to be back home. Worries and stress, we permanently declare: bon voyage!

And Speaking of Trash...

2010-09-04T07:38:00.004-05:00

And speaking of trash, do you think that the garbage man thought Sanford and Son had set up shop at our house when they stopped by to dispose of our garbage?

Translation

2010-09-04T07:30:00.003-05:00

After work one day, I walk in my kitchen and find the above scene. I ask Jamie, "How did that get there?" She responds, "I don't know."

Translation: take the trash out you, bum!

Wild Eyed and Crazy

2010-08-31T19:02:00.002-05:00

Any time Jamie says, "Michael, do you remember what you did last night," I know I'm about to hear something outrageous.

Last night, Jamie said she woke up, and I was approximately 6 inches from her face, staring at her with my eyes wide open. She said I really scared her, and she blurted out, "Michael, what's wrong?" At this point, according to Jamie, I asked her if I was bleeding on the sheets. Jamie told me that I wasn't bleeding, but I continued to voice concerns about staining the sheets with blood. After crawling around the bed and an inspection for blood by Jamie (she thought I might have had a nose bleed), I quickly settled down and went back to sleep.

I can't help but wonder what I was dreaming about. What thoughts were swirling around my subconscious? Here are my ideas:

I just murdered someone or was just murdered.
During intravenous antibiotic administration, my IV access blew.
Someone punched me in the nose.
I just assisted with delivering a baby.
I was swimming in the Nile River during the First Plague of Egypt.

I've did a small amount of online research concerning the meaning of blood in dreams. You probably know what the conventional wisdom suggests. Blood in dreams primarily relates to the health and vitality of our lives. Bleeding may suggest open wounds i.e. struggling relationships.

I decided I'm going to keep a dream log. Stay tuned.

Senior Adult Choir

2010-08-30T15:31:00.002-05:00

Since the Ford Retort brought you "The Renewed Mind Is the Key" and "Jesus Is My Friend," I feel a certain obligation to post this video as well. Yes, a perfect trifecta!

July 4 Weekend

2010-08-30T08:26:00.001-05:00

Once again, Jamie and I and the Usual Suspects spent the Independence Day weekend at Eagle Lake, outside of Vicksburg. The weekend contained all of the incidents and you expect to hear of when the Usual Suspects get together: allegations of drug abuse, martial improprieties, domestic disputes, character assassination, and general social upheaval . So firstly, let's just go ahead and go straight to the quotes because I know faithful Ford Retort readers are starving for a hearty round of nourishing quotes. Chef, you may now serve them!

So if you happened to be with me, Jamie, and the Usual Suspects, you might have heard these things said:

"Y'all come get some pizza, but it's $7.50 a slice."
"Jessie loves you."
"We're going to the Lo Sto tonight to celebrate our anniversary."
"Poor Sky."
"Big Richard doesn't remember you calling him."
"%@$(57(^&$(^...keys....@(*%&(^)*&(%&....locked....%(*&%$"
"May we get some straws?"
"I'll close my eyes while you get out of the shower."
"You're still on probation."
"My, what a trailer!"
"What are AG jeans?"
"Amanda...your sunglasses!"
"I didn't sleep well last night...somebody kept clapping their hands and beating on the wall and clearing their throat..."
"I don't even want to know why y'all have that towel in the bed."
"We need a theme next year."
"Save your beads for Jordan."
"The grass isn't as green on the other side as you thought it was."
"Julie, you saved us!"

Due to an incident of unpleasantness during our time at Eagle Lake, one participant of the weekend's freedom festivities found herself extremely close to feeling the full wrath of righteous indignation. Her inappropriate display of unjustified anger regarding a common error landed her in some hot water. However, much mercy was shown to this individual, and she was merely placed on probation. I'm happy to report this participant is nearing the end of her probationary period, having fulfilled 80 of the 90 required hours of community service and proving to her significant other her ability to demonstrate a gentler spirit when the minor irritations of life surface. Congratulations!

Other highlights/notable events of the weekend include:

Our attempt to spice up the party barge with red, white, and blue was once a again a momentous failure and an embarrassment to hard-working Americans across the fruited plains.
Something happened on Sunday afternoon after we got home. Can't talk about it now. But it's quite notable.
Nobody lost any money at the casino (I attribute this primarily to the fact that we didn't go).
We had an excellent round of hot wings.
And last but not least, the Chaucey baby stayed with one of his babysitters and according to all reports, he entertained the local kids and had a remarkable and grand time!

Once the weekend was over, the Usual Suspects took a vote and the weekend will be marked in the history books as "successful."

Hello

2010-08-29T22:21:00.003-05:00

Hello, faithful Ford Retort readers. Believe it or not, I think I'm back. But don't expect any slobbering apologies for my absence...not going to happen. As I've always said, this blog is about me and what interests me. And if I feel disinterested, not much is going to happen. So there!

For this week, I'm planning to do some catch up posts. I'll fill you in on what Jamie and I have been up to. So let's get this party started!

Deep Thoughts with Michael & Jamie

2010-07-14T09:01:00.004-05:00

Does anybody remember the Saturday Night Live skit "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey?" I'm pretty sure Jamie had her own "deep thoughts" moment as we were eating dinner together last night (and might I add, dinner was delicious).

Jamie: When Chaucer burps and poots, it doesn't even phase him.
Michael: What do you mean?
Jamie: Well as loud as it always is, you think he would say "excuse me."
Michael: Jamie, he's a dog. He doesn't understand how to say "excuse me," and that an apology is even warranted.
Jamie: You'd think he'd at least go...(at this point, Jamie pauses and makes an expression. The expression reflects the facial display of a retarded orangutan passing gas).

Oddly enough, we preceded with our meal as if no retarded orangutan passing gas facial expression was ever made. And Chaucer continued eating his piece of ice.

This has been "Deep Thoughts with Michael and Jamie."

(cue dreamy music)

Earl

2010-07-13T22:13:00.000-05:00

If I need a to pick up a gallon of milk during the evening or fulfill a seemingly insatiable chocolate craving, you will probably find me at the Dollar General around the corner from my house. The milk is usually overpriced, but hey, you can't beat the convenience.

I found myself in need of a gallon of overpriced milk one evening, so I got dressed and scurried in the Dollar General. I searched the milk to find one from the batch with the longest expiration date. I ran up to the counter to pay. Looking back, I'm not even sure I so much as greeted the cashier (rude, I know). But the cashier surprised me. She quickly said, "You know, I've been meaning to tell you something (she obviously recognized me from previous visits). You know that show 'My Name is Earl?' You remind me of Earl, with the hair." I said, "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing," and she responded, "It be a good thing. Because Earl is funny and he really has a good heart."

What other people think of me has never really bothered me, but I'll be honest: Dollar General cashier's comment did make me go look in the mirror.

ChaucerCare

2010-05-03T07:44:00.002-05:00

As I channel-surfed one quiet evening after work, Chaucer was moping around my chair, so I snatched him up and let him sit with me. He squirmed around until he got comfortable, and when he settled down, I resumed browsing through the vast wasteland, trying to find something that interested me. When I landed on a show on one of the cable news stations, two well-known talking heads were debating the merits of the recent health care reform congressional bill, which is now law of our land. I soon clicked on my way because both of the gentlemen failed to articulate the motives of the politicians and demagogues who pushed for this "reform" (I'll give you a hint: it's not to provide health insurance to those who can't afford it).

However, as I petted Chaucer, I realized a seed had been planted in my fertile mind. You know, if Joe Artist deserves free health care, doesn't the Chaucey Baby deserve it as well? Yes, if we're extending health insurance benefits to the uninsured, why not extend health insurance benefits to domesticated pets? Uh huh...and we shall call this new entitlement...you guessed it...ChaucerCare.

What similarities do ObamaCare recipients and ChaucerCare recipients share, you ask? Well let's review an average day in the life of the Chaucey Baby (I'll expect you to glean the similarities related to the average ObamaCare recipient). At some unannounced and random point in the morning, Chaucer will begin to whine. This signals he is ready for attention and is also ready to eat. Productive citizens of society (Jamie or myself) will have to arise early and meet the needs of the Chaucey Baby. Chaucer's day will then consist of the following: playing with his toys, piddling around the house, watching Ellen (more on that in a later post), defecating and urinating, and sleeping (his majority activity). Chaucer already receives free, climate-controlled housing and free food and water. Well, it's actually not free; it's paid for by Jamie and myself i.e. productive citizens of society. At the end of the day, Chaucer will receive fresh bedding and lay down his head, enjoying the largesse of capitalism and the benevolence of his owners.

Frankly, the Chaucey Baby only has one responsibility, and that responsibility is being a sweetie (which I will say he does very well). For him though, it requires not effort and ultimately reaps no financial remuneration. Really, the hardest decision Chaucer has to make every day is what part of a 25 square foot area he's going to poop in. Regarding meaningful contributions to society, Chaucer makes none (other than being a sweetie, of course). He provides no goods or services in any segment of our economy (I don't think being a sweetie counts). He only takes and has never given me a dime, yet Chaucer is always demanding more. Nonetheless I do contend he deserves free health care! And what if he illegally immigrated from England? Let's not even go there...

Faithful Ford Retort readers, let's stick it to Big Business and Big Insurance. Demand that the federal government not only pay for your health care, but for your pet's health care as well!

Normalcy

2010-04-19T07:01:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had that moment when you were acutely aware of the fact that you probably aren't normal? It happened to me the other day...

Jamie and I saw the above video on America's Funniest Videos not long ago, and we both had a hardy chuckle about it. But that wasn't good enough for my lovely wife. Yep, she had to try it herself. At least I can say that I caught on a little quicker than the guy in the video (it's only happened once in a public place and once on our back patio). I know you're wondering: it was a very quick, non-flamboyant dance.

And how about the Jimmy Dean commercial? Jamie and I find it to be really funny. So we've been known to sing to each other like the sunshine man. Of course, Jamie has always been superb at impressions, so her songs are always much funnier than mine anyway. Maybe that makes her stranger than me.

I heard somebody say that normalcy is not something to aspire to, but rather get away from. For now, I guess I'll buy that.

He Is Risen!

2010-04-04T09:20:00.007-05:00

Amazing grace shall always be my song of praise,
For it was grace that bought my liberty;
I do not know just why He came to love me so,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

I shall forever lift my eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross where Jesus died for me;
How marvelous the grace that caught my falling soul,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

If not for grace my soul would be a drifting ship,
With no safe harbor from the angry waves.
But Calvary's cross shines brightly through the darkest storm,
And just in time His mercy rescues me!

I shall forever lift my eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross where Jesus died for me;
How marvelous the grace that caught my falling soul,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

Lookin' Good

2010-03-04T19:51:00.004-06:00

You know, only certain men can pull off the "black on black" shirt and slacks combo. But if you're really good, try mixing it up by sporting different shades of black and differing textures or patterns (you may not can tell, but my pants have tiny white pinstripes).

Yeah...well you know...ummmm hmmmmmmm

Sleeping Beauty

2010-02-25T15:02:00.000-06:00

Has anybody seen a sleepy Chaucey baby?

Chaucer Update

2010-02-24T22:39:00.001-06:00

Chaucer is doing great! Jamie and I just adore him, and he's brought a lot of energy to our home (bulldogs aren't exactly known for their energy). The Chaucey baby definitely requires lots of love, but we're managing to give him all the attention he needs.

Last Saturday, I took Chaucer to this place for his first veterinary visit. He got his shots and received a clean bill of health. He (like the Winsty baby) received much attention when he was at the vet. One sweet lady just had to come hold him. I didn't really mind that. However she kept saying, "She is so pretty," and "How old is she?" I promptly responded, "Chaucer is a "he." He has a penis." Actually I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

Chaucer's house training is going exceptionally well. We've been very proud of the Chaucey baby! And we've finally had a major breakthrough with his crate training. He's starting to spend the entire night in his crate. So what was happening before he started spending the entire night in his crate? Well...he was sleeping in the bed with us (simmer down, John and Amie, just calm down). With Winston, we did a lot of things we never said we would do with him, but he NEVER got in the bed with us. No such luck with the Chaucey baby. What can I say...he's a sweetie!

Jamie mentioned the other day that Chaucer is so much easier to handle than Winston. I can't say I'm with her on that. While Winston had his moments, I've seen a very mischievous side of Chaucer a couple of times so far. In fact one day I had to explain to Chaucer that if he didn't get a grip, he was going to go from being the Chaucey baby to the Chaucey booger. He straightened up when he heard that.

Soon enough, I'll post some pictures.

Chaucer Has Arrived

2010-02-14T15:56:00.007-06:00

Faithful Ford Retort readers, Jamie and I are pleased to announce the arrival of Chaucer E. Ford in our home. Brian and Wendy Frederick, our bulldog mentors (and friends), delivered Chaucer to us on Saturday, February 13. He weighs about 10 pounds and is almost nine weeks old (DOB: 12/16/09). You may be wondering about Chaucer's name, and yes, he is named after the English author Geoffrey Chaucer. Also like with Winston, his middle name is "E." The "E" is not an abbreviation for his middle name...it is his middle name (see Harry S. Truman).

After situating Chaucer, Jamie and I took Brian and Wendy out to eat at this restaurant. Simply said: it's the least we could do. Brian and Wendy are honorable folks and have gone above and beyond keeping the Golden Rule. I must say I am extremely gratified that our common bond is a simple love and admiration for one of the good Lord's cuddliest creatures, the English Bulldog. Thanks again, Brian and Wendy!

It's always been my contention with Jamie that we are so much more prepared to raise Chaucer. With Winston, we just did the best we knew how, often flying by the seat of our pants. Chaucer is definitely benefiting from our past experiences. We've already got the Benadryl elixir and have the correct dosage/administration frequency written on the bottle (1 mg/lb q 8-12 hours). And the triple antibiotic is ready for action. Basically, we're prepared to give Chaucer much more structure early on than Winston had. We've also enjoyed seeing some of the similarities between Winston and Chaucer. They have the very same favorite toy ("rubber tire ball" with bell). And they have the same "chill-out" spot: under the coffee table. The major difference so far? Chaucer relaxes is his bed while Winston chewed his up.

Chaucer is getting accustomed to his new home without any problems. His house training is going exceptionally well. Jamie and I are very pleased with his personality, curiosity, and temperament. His crate training has been a little challenging. About 4:30 am yesterday morning, after an hour of whining, I got him out of his crate, put him in his bed, and slept next to him the rest of the morning. Tonight, he won't get off so easy.

Of course the question everybody is craving an answer to is this: is the Chaucey baby a sweetie? Well...like the Geico commercial asks...is Ed "Too Tall" Jones too tall? Uh...yeah.

It's So Cold...

2010-01-24T23:45:00.002-06:00

Visiting with Chaucer

2010-01-18T07:30:00.000-06:00

Chaucer E. Ford

On Saturday morning, Jamie and I made a somewhat spontaneous trip to Amory, MS to visit our Chaucer. He was just as precious as we imagined him! The very generous Wendy Frederick graciously hosted us in her home while we spent some quality time with Chaucer, his siblings, and family. If you are interested in an English bulldog, get in touch with Wendy. Her bulldogs are raised as a part of her family - in her home. Wendy and her family love English bulldogs and breed them not to make a quick buck, but in order to spread a love of the breed.

Here are some pictures from our trip:

Lucy is one of the late, great Winsty baby's sisters. She is expecting a litter of puppies around the beginning of February.

Georgia is the late, great Winsty baby's mother. I noticed she and Winston shared many of the same mannerisms. For instance, when Georgia wanted attention, she would paw at you (Winston did the same thing). Also like Winston, Georgia knows when there's a camera around!

Maddie is Chaucer's mother (and another one of Winston's sisters). She is tired from nursing those seven pups!

Chaucer will be joining us around mid-February. We are very ready for him and look forward to the energy, fun, and joy he will bring to our home! I can't explain it...there's just something about a bulldog...

And I can't finish this post on bulldogs without a picture of the Winsty baby!

Pants on the Ground

2010-01-14T08:46:00.001-06:00

So I'm definitely all over this song!

New Years Resolutions

2010-01-11T07:48:00.005-06:00

There's something about New Year's resolution that have always irked me. For me, they're pretty much a failure.

After hearing a "life expert" on a morning television show lecture me on the good that comes from establishing New Year's resolutions and fulfilling them, I decided I would cast aside my own aversions to these goals and make some of my own resolutions. However, I will not set myself up for failure. That's why I decided that all of my New Year's resolutions will be to stop doing morally repugnant things that I already don't do. Seems to me that everybody will be a winner. Hey, what's wrong with setting yourself up for success?

Here's a list of my New Year's resolutions:

Stop oppressing the poor and downtrodden
Stop abusing prescription medication and illicit substances
Stop faking heart attacks in church services
Stop watching The Bachelor
Stop taking advantage of and manipulating the elderly for financial gain
Stop beating Jamie
Stop operating murder-for-hire services
Stop running ponzi schemes that eventually implode and wipe away the wealth of millions of retirement accounts
Stop slapping babies merely for amusement
Stop urinating and defecating in grocery stores
Stop torturing small animals
Stop voting for liberals
Stop stealing from reputable charities

Oh how I love the natural high from accomplishing goals and bettering oneself (cue the self-congratulating smirks).

Junior Weathercaster

2010-01-08T11:23:00.004-06:00

Butler is the son of a pharmacist I work with. And I thought he did a phenomenal job as the Junior Weathercaster for "blank">WJTV. Take a look!

Not Too Heavy, Not Too Light

2010-01-08T08:36:00.001-06:00

This is currently my favorite commercial on television!

Thousands Protest Global Warmning

2010-01-05T14:43:00.002-06:00

Ringin' In the New Year

2010-01-04T11:21:00.001-06:00

Faithful Ford Retort readers, happy 2010!

To celebrate the dawning of a new year, Jamie, the Usual Suspects, and myself made a quick trip down I-20 to the River City, Vicksvegas! We opted this year to take a leave of absence from our so-far customary celebration at the Peabody in Memphis (in reality, any time white folks decide not to dance, we're all better off for it).

Yes, yes...I know, I know...you don't have to tell me...here's what you've really been waiting for: the quotes! So if you were with Jamie, the Usual Suspects, and me, you just might have heard these things said:

"I'm going to introduce myself as Carol Anne's illegitimate son. Do you think that will be a problem?"
"Act like you're supposed to be here."
"What is that smell?"
"If you do that again, I'm throwing you in jail."
"I danced with Nick Jonas at my party!"
"Next year, I'm paying for everybody to go to Memphis."
"Hey, John/Amanda, there's a lifetime client. You can retire off her mouth!"
"This ain't sketchy...it's 61 North!"
"The Winsty baby!"
"Is that a goat in the back of that guy's truck?"
"And the third guy said, 'My favorite style is rodeo style.'"
"You're not going to believe who just texted me..."
"If you're going to have a wreck, do it big. I don't want to limp away from this."
"I don't think so, Scooter."
"Yeah, it's running down my shirt. I win."
"Wei-mar-rain-ner"
"Six people can fit in her van."
"Twenty dollars fell out of her pocket."
"Double down, baby!"
"He can't even finish and keep a straight face."

To the Usual Suspects, all my love! By the way, I looked at our picture from last year, and we haven't aged a bit.

Faithful Ford Retort readers, let's keep on rockin' and rollin'. I genuinely hope this year brings you bigger portions of joy and victories than heartache and defeats. May your tears of laughter greatly outnumber your tears of sadness. Love like you're leaving for the last time and give more than you receive. Frown on injustice and never miss a chance to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

And most importantly: keep looking to Mount Calvary. Grace and peace!

Christmas Presents

2010-01-04T07:10:00.000-06:00

Peinture u Bebe Winsty

For Christmas, I received several presents that were very thoughtful . But I received only one present I am very proud of.

Jamie surprised me with a portrait of the late, great Winsty baby. Doesn't he look so solemn, so earnest, so austere, so majestic? Oh yes!

Chaucer

2009-12-17T08:07:00.003-06:00

Jamie and I are pleased to announce the birth of our next English bulldog, Chaucer E. Ford.

Chaucer and his four brothers and two sisters were born mid-day yesterday. All puppies and their mother are doing well. Chaucer is the nephew of the late, great Winsty baby (his mother, Maddie, is Winston's sister).

Jamie and I will be visiting Chaucer and his siblings at some point in the near future. We expect Chaucer to be in our household by mid-February.

And on a personal note, Chaucer will be known as the Chaucey baby.

Handout

2009-12-15T12:10:00.002-06:00

Lady Gaga

2009-12-14T11:35:00.000-06:00

Recently, I was involved in a conversation.

Although this happens a lot (the conversation part), this doesn't: during said communication, a comparison (a serious comparison) was made between this guy and Lady Gaga.

Hmmm.

Gulf Shores

2009-12-09T09:44:00.002-06:00

The week before Thanksgiving, Jamie and I spent some time in Gulf Shores. Jamie's goal was to shop; my goal was twofold: 1) rest 2) avoid using my brain. Overall, I would say all objectives were met. By the way, this strikes me as a good time to state the best vacation rule that anybody (i.e. me) ever devised: wherever I am is where I'm supposed to be.

While the week was enjoyable, we did have one minor snafu. After we arrived at the condo, I noticed a bill had been left for the owners detailing the replacement of the hot water heater. Great! A new hot water heater that was put in three days before our arrival would certainly ensure I was going to take a refreshingly, hot shower every day. Wrong! After discovering that the absence of hot water was due to a short in the breaker box, the owner's graciously upgraded us to another condo they owned. Of course they didn't send anybody to pack up our stuff for us, so this means we had to pack up and move (cue the guttural growls).

I tell you that story really for the sole purpose of making some commentary. This situation is a great manifestation of the personality differences between Jamie and me. You see, any time we pack up a bunch of stuff in a vehicle (vacation, for instance), my opinion is that we need to make multiple, leisurely trips to unload everything if we can't comfortably unload everything at one time (emphasis on leisurely and comfortably). Jamie on the other hand disagrees. She feels if there is any way humanly (or not humanly) possible to load up the entirety of our ~~crap~~ stuff on one ~~freakin~~ cart, regardless of how cumbersome the load may be, let's go for it (love you, hun)!

I already have a genetic predisposition to being highly suspicious of family vacations (thanks, Dad), so this experience was more than an inconvenience for me. Nonetheless, we did it. We loaded everything on one grocery cart (the carts the condo provided were grocery buggies on steroids). And I pushed that damn cart to our vehicle. I was pleasantly surprised...the contents of our cart fell completely off only a mere 32 times. As I pushed, I explained to Jamie that steering it was about like driving an 18 wheeler without power steering or pushing a wheel barrow without the wheel. But...hey!...like Jamie said, we only had to make one trip! Jamie really became a bit perturbed with my bad attitude when I asked the lady at the front desk where the produce section was as we passed by her. Jamie told me to go on to the vehicle, and she'd just do it herself. I obliged.

As usual, Jamie and I overcame our one snafu and had a delightful trip (just don't mention anything to her about getting shut out in the Gulf Shores Open). When we spend a lot of time together, just the two of us, I'm reminded that I'm very fortunate to have married a great gal. Love you, babes!

Naivete

2009-12-04T09:57:00.002-06:00

Red Sweater Vest

2009-12-02T11:42:00.000-06:00

Before I left for work yesterday morning, Jamie and I had a heated discussion concerning if I had the suave, the charm, the looks, and the chutzpah to pull off wearing a red sweater vest. Undoubtedly, my decision was a big gamble for me, but as I told Jamie, frankly...yes, I am absolutely manly enough to pull off a red sweater vest.

I told Jamie to snap a quick picture last night, so we could just let the faithful Ford Retort readers decide.

Teleprompter Malfunction

2009-12-02T08:57:00.000-06:00

Reverberations in 2009

2009-12-01T21:21:00.002-06:00

I like to poke fun at Jamie, especially when she makes a verbal snafu. Not long ago, we were having an intense moment of fellowship. As we were reaching a resolution, she said, "I am so nice to you, but I feel like that kindness is never reverberated." I responded, "Jamie, it's' reciprocated, not reverberated." Well, I guess you could say it's the thought that counts.

So to be fair and equitable, I feel it is my duty to be an equal opportunity mocker. Consequently, Jamie was able to have a little fun with my ignorance the other day. Most faithful Ford Retort readers know that I'm a big fan of Christmas music (yes, I've been caught listening to Christmas music in May). Jamie and I were traveling around town this weekend, and we were listening to "The Christmas Song." I was soulfully singing along, and I got to the line in the song that says, "And so I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from 1 to 92." I sang that line, and with an ad lib, I changed the lyrics to, "And so I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from 1 to 2009."

Immediately, Jamie shot me a kooky look and laughed at me. She asked me why I said 2009, and I explained to her that I was simply "updating" the song to reflect the current year. Jamie then preceded to disclose to me that "from 1 to 92" in the song refers to ages, not years. Hmmm. When I thought about it, I certainly have to admit that it makes more sense. And I guess Jamie's interpretation also makes the song make a bit more...oh what's the word...timeless.

National Dog Show

2009-12-01T07:15:00.004-06:00

The 2009 National Dog Show was televised on Thanksgiving day. And yes, I felt a tinge of pride when the bulldog won the non-sporting group.

Go sweeties!

Thirty Days of Prayer

2009-11-30T15:56:00.004-06:00

I've recently come under conviction. Although Barack Obama is ruining our great nation with every public policy decision he postulates, this does not preclude me from my responsibility to lift him up in prayer.

Starting today for thirty days, I'm committing to praying five times a day for President Obama. And I won't be praying those weak "hey, God, bless him" prayers for the Commander-in-Chief. Oh no, I'll be praying specific scriptures for the president. Yes, five times a day for thirty days, I'll be bathing Barack in Psalm 109:8, entreating the good Lord to honor this claim in the president's life.

Man, I'm spiritual! And now that's change we can believe in.

The Best and Worst of Times

2009-11-30T07:13:00.005-06:00

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received,
for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities"

Well hello there.

As Dickens said in his famous novel, it is indeed the best of times and worst of times. For Jamie and me, I suppose you can say it is the best of times. We're rocking along strong! Jamie and I have been working hard and playing harder. And since we've been running the roads a fair amount, I'll catch you up in due time on what has been going on.

From a blogging standpoint, it's probably been the worst of times. I got out of sync with my habitual blogging after the untimely death of the Winsty baby. And frankly, I've been about the busiest I've ever been (you know, the whole best of times deal) with work AND with play. But since we're about to close out another year (can't believe it...) and since I'm not much for New Year resolutions (it does seem like a logical time to start anew), it is now time to get back to blogging (cue wild applause)!

As I mentioned earlier, Jamie and I have been running around a lot as of late. Thankfully, we're done for awhile, so for the rest of the week, I'll be recapping some of our travels. Alright, now let's roll!

Problems in the Bedroom

2009-09-29T09:47:00.000-05:00

Jamie and I have been experiencing problems in the bedroom.

Bet that got your attention.

You see, Jamie is an unapologetic cover snatcher. If you don't know, a cover snatcher is someone who throughout the course of a period of rest methodically snatches the covers off his or her bed buddy. When we lay down to go to sleep every night, I'll start my respite warm and toasty, firmly ensconced in bed sheets and covers. However by morning time, my core body temperature has dropped approximately five to ten degrees because Jamie is warm and toasty, firmly ensconced in bed sheets and covers!

To me, creating an invisible wall (tip of the fedora to the Usual Suspects) in the middle of the bed as well as drawing a big, red line on the center of our comforter is the only logical thing to do. This would provide an objective measuring stick to equally divide the bed sheets and comforter. Jamie disagreed (she muttered something about breaking my nose if she even saw me in our bedroom with a red marker).

Until Jamie and I reach a compromise, I'll probably remain uncovered during the night, left to writhe in cold temperatures. Cue the sad violin music...

A Life in Demise

2009-09-28T09:34:00.002-05:00

Well after this morning, I discovered a sure-fire way to ruin my life: drive down I-55 south every weekday morning.

Jamie left her work ID badge at home this morning, so I drove to this place to take it to her. By the time I left her and arrived in Clinton, I had considered the positive effects of copious cocaine use, methamphetamine abuse, and sniffing concentrated sodium hypochlorite.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

AFV

2009-09-24T10:09:00.001-05:00

Jamie and I have long been fans of America's Funniest Home Videos. But I've always been disappointed with the videos that win the grand prize on the show. They're rarely the funniest video of the episode, let alone just funny!

To me, the funniest video usually involves someone with a glorious lack of sophistication and couth falling flat on their face. But that's just me.

Jim Carrey Does Horatio Cain

2009-09-22T09:51:00.002-05:00

I've always been a sucker for television police/crime dramas. Not sure why, but I do like them.

David Caruso brings a special brand of predictable cheese each and every episode of CSI: Miami (but oddly enough, I find myself still wanting more). Take a look at Jim Carrey with his impression of ole' Horatio Cain.

Winsty Baby Flashback

2009-09-21T16:13:00.003-05:00

Jamie set up her Fall display at our front door not long ago, and my mind immediately drifted back to one of our first classic pictures of the late, great Winsty baby.

He was a sweetie!

One and Half of One

2009-09-21T14:11:00.000-05:00

When I was out of town last week, Jamie texted me early Tuesday morning and said, "Happy one and a half year anniversary!" Uuuuhhhhhhhhhh......

Indeed, I recognize that the Ides of March is my anniversary, but I was under the impression that you only have to count whole years once you reach the first one. I guess not. Nonetheless, Jamie made me this extravagant chocolate cake. And it is good!

Bacon, Bacon, Bacon!

2009-09-21T08:22:00.004-05:00

If Jamie ever attempts to modify my eating habits and curtail my junk food intake, may there be no doubt in your mind that I will respond like this.

The Weekend

2009-09-20T22:18:00.003-05:00

Well hello there.

For Dixieland...I was born....early, Lord, one frosty morn...look away, look away, look away...Dixieland...

Sorry. I've been listening to Elvis sing a little Dixie. Let me tell you this: most modern day "singers" aren't worthy enough to carry the King's jockstrap. But I digress.

I don't have much to say about this weekend because not much went on for Jamie and me. But let me catch you up on last weekend.

I was privileged to be in my good friend Russell's wedding. Ole Tuss found him one heck of a gal, and Jamie and I have enjoyed getting to know Jessica! And as usually is the case, Russell married well above himself. It was also fun to hang out with my fellow groomsmen. While I was the lone Choctaw, I still was amongst a good group of dudes. Russell and Jessica, congratulations!

I got up early last Monday morning to take a business trip through the great state of Tennessee. We spent some quality time in Memphis and Nashville and a couple of places in between. While it was a whirlwind of a trip, the boss man and myself were able to ride through Franklin, TN. This might have been the highlight for me because "rural Franklin" is a beautiful part of the world. If you're in the area, take some time to ride through Franklin's rolling hills.

Let's chat soon.

God of Rockets Firing Bright

2009-08-26T15:24:00.001-05:00

Now here's a great old hymn...

Well you won't be hearing me say that about "God of Earth and Outer Space." This hymn...and technically it is a hymn...made an appearance as Hymn #20 in the 1975 edition of the Baptist Hymnal (but didn't make the cut for the '91 edition). I wonder if this was ever sung during a favorite hymn night (if you're not Southern Baptist, you probably don't know what that is).

And by the way, in addition to the lyrics, the music is included above. Feel free to sing along!

God of earth and outer space,
God of love and God of grace,
Bless the astronauts who fly,
As they soar beyond the sky.
God who flung the stars in space,
God who set the sun ablaze,
Fling the spacecraft thro the air,
Let man know your presence there.

God of atmosphere and air,
God of life and planets bare,
Use man’s courage and his skill
As he seeks your holy will.
God of depth and God of height,
God of darkness, God of light,
As man walks in outer space,
Teach him how to walk in grace.

God of man’s exploring mind,
God of wisdom, God of time,
Launch us from complacency
To a world in need of thee.
God of power, God of might,
God of rockets firing bright.
Hearts ignite and thrust within,
Love for Christ to share with men.

God of earth and outer space,
God who guides the human race,
Guide the lives of seeking youth
In their search for heavn’ly truth.
God who reigns below, above,
God of universal love,
Love that gave Nativity,
Love that gave us Calvary.

Getting Old

2009-08-26T07:25:00.003-05:00

It hit me the other day. At twenty-four years of age, I'm definitely getting old. Well I feel like I'm getting old. And the Usual Suspects think it's hilarious to call me paw paw. Now I haven't started shopping for caskets or anything like that, but I have given some significant thought about what I want to do for my mid-life crisis. Really...I don't know what to think about it all...but I'm pretty sure the evidence below indicates I'm teetering on the brink of Depends.

I've started having horrendous heart burn in the middle of the night. This is a new experience for me. Damn my burning esophagus! Thankfully, some basic care (pun intended) usually can fix this problem.
I'm becoming a little obsessed with the undisputed official show for old folks, Wheel of Fortune. This is a bit embarrassing to admit...even for me...but I now DVR the Wheel (old folks call it "the Wheel"). My Wheel addiction started out rather innocuous. I was watching Pat and Vanna one evening, and I became enraged (seriously, I was stomping around the house) because I couldn't solve any of the puzzles. So I figured I needed some intense puzzle-solving practice. Next thing you know, I find myself addicted. But I am starting to get a little better at the puzzle-solving.
My hair started turning gray when I was in college and marrying Jamie accelerated that process (just kidding, hun...not really). I don't mind the gray hair, but my hair line has started to recede. Yep...it's started to thin out around my forehead. I'm just a little upset about it. But one thing I've always had in my favor is that the facial hair is still black.
I'm not sure if snoring is a sign of being old, but it sure makes me feel old. Apparently I snore. At least that's what Jamie tells me. I guess I believe her. In fact, if I ever didn't, I sure do now. A couple of nights ago, I awoke to Jamie standing over me grabbing nose. "What are you doing," I asked her. "Fixing your snoring schnoz," she exclaimed. Finally I realized she was slapping a breath right strip on my nose.

I do have a couple of thing going for me. I've yet to start watching the Weather Channel (MTV for old folks). I do drive fast. I don't get up early in the morning. And, oh yeah, I'm still twenty-four.

Undeniable Truths of Life

2009-08-25T15:17:00.000-05:00

Former Ford Retort Official Blog Observer Joe Nathan Snerdley and his wife joined Jamie and myself for dinner at our home yesterday evening. Emerging from the meal and concomitant conversation is a set of statements that I have decided is worth recording. Faithful Ford Retort readers, I present to you the Joe Nathan Snerdley Undeniable Truths of Life:

1. Everybody thinks their public high school is the best high school in the state.
2. Every male thinks they got a great deal on his wife's engagement ring.

While we now only have two established undeniable truths, I'm looking forward to many more. I'll make sure the interns keep this list up to date.

The Ladies Man

2009-08-23T21:11:00.003-05:00

Jamie and I just got back from dinner. I'm pretty sure that the Ladies Man Leon Phelps served us our food at the table. Yeaahhhh...

Sitting at the Feet of Jesus

2009-08-23T06:08:00.000-05:00

Now here is a beautiful, old song (and the last verse is also a beautiful prayer). If you've ever heard these lyrics sung with conviction, it is marvelous!

Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
Oh, what words I hear Him say!
Happy place! so near, so precious!
May it find me there each day;
Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
I would look upon the past;
For His love has been so gracious,
It has won my heart at last.

Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
Where can mortals be more blest?
There I lay my sins and sorrows,
And, when weary, find sweet rest;
Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
There I love to weep and pray;
While I from His fullness gather
Grace and comfort every day.

Bless me, O my Savior, bless me,
As I sit low at Thy feet;
Oh, look down in love upon me,
Let me see Thy face so sweet;
Give me, Lord, the mind of Jesus,
Keep me holy as He is;
May I prove I’ve been with Jesus,
Who is all my righteousness.

The Weekend

2009-08-17T23:53:00.001-05:00

Hi, my name is Michael, and I'm addicted
to fruit from the vine of cluttered garments.

This weekend, Jamie and I didn't do much of anything. Oh, well let me back up before you get the wrong idea. We did things...just not fun things. Actually, this weekend consisted of me wearing my "migrant worker" hat and Jamie wearing her "slave driver" hat. But before we travel down that road, I won't gloss over the fun times we had with the sis's on Friday night. There was a birthday bash to be had, and we had it (be proud, Cindy...you get a shout out....AND the Usual Suspects weren't involved)! True to form, the dinner conversation somehow turned to hygiene and other unholy topics. But you can't beat a few cheap laughs, can you?

Jamie wrote recently that she spent the weekend "organizing her life." Don't be fooled. This is nothing more than a pretty little euphemism to describe a wretched weekend for me. Jamie worked me like a cheap piece of meat. So we cleaned. And we I washed. And we I ironed. And we threw away. And we tidied up. I will admit that my primary vice for which I suffered is my clothes. They have a certain affinity to scatter themselves around our bedroom. And, yes, they do get out of control. This weekend was almost like being in detox. After spending my life boozing on fruit from the vine of cluttered garments...yeah...I pretty much was drunk. The withdrawal symptoms were not pleasant, but Jamie runs a top-notch detox program.

I'll let you in on a little secret. The real problem? Too many clothes.

Jobs?

2009-08-12T23:07:00.001-05:00

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

2009-08-09T07:01:00.000-05:00

Divinely exquisite!

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Furniture Store

2009-08-06T06:56:00.003-05:00

Watching television in the Jackson, MS area entitles you to seeing copious amounts of advertisements from this furniture store. Well...not surprisingly...they don't have a website. I'm talking about T&D Furniture. In my humble opinion, the commercials produced by T&D are amazingly annoying, painfully uncreative, and scream, "Hey, we're located in Pearl!"

T&D, if you're listening, take a few tips on television advertising from these folks (and see above video). Now they know how to make commercials for tacky furniture stores!

The Weekend: A Tardy Post

2009-08-05T23:33:00.003-05:00

Life around the house this past weekend was productive. The grass got mowed, flower beds were weeded, clothes were washed, and paper was shredded. I love it!
Saturday night, Jamie and I went to a wedding reception at the Northpoint Barn in Jackson. This band played. Most importantly, I got a sink repair out of the deal!
Sunday night, Jamie and I ate dinner with these folks. As I told them, we were excited to actually get to spend time talking with them instead of only reading about them. Of course, you know talking in person is sooo 1990's. In this age of texting, blogging, and social networking, communication among warm bodies is a bit...you know...old fashion.
Jamie and I talked about the Winsty baby this weekend. We still miss him a lot, but we're not quite as sad as we have been. We have several pictures of him around the house. They keep us smiling!

Communication

2009-07-30T07:29:00.001-05:00

I was recently speaking with a coworker, and she was telling me about how wonderful her boyfriend is. From her stories, her beau strikes me as an alright fellow. However, my coworker did go on to say that from time to time, maybe when the moon is full, she and Prince Charming have mild disagreements. She gave me some penetrating commentary on their tiffs. "It's usually due to a lack of communication."

Back in 1992, the folks at Time magazine must have been incredibly proud of their reporting when they published the earth-shattering observation that men and women are born different (see above image). Unfreakinbelievably profound, I must say. Volumes of books have been written on the subject of the differences between males and females (and how to reconcile those differences), but like my coworker, the communication barriers plague me the most. Here's a story to illustrate.

The following series of events takes place every two to the three weeks around the Ford abode, and the reactions and results are the same. Any given evening, Jamie will find me sitting in my recliner, relaxing and reflecting on everything good. And then Mrs. Ford makes this declaration: this house is a disaster! My reaction? Nothing. Now let's explore this. From Jamie's point of view, approaching me and declaring that our house is a disaster should invoke a certain response. Jamie expects me to drop what I'm doing, hop up, and vigorously inquire of her how this disaster can be fixed. Anything less, and I solicit her wrath. Let's explore what goes through my mind.

I hear Jamie say, "This house is a disaster!" Admittedly, I hear her, but I don't listen. Why? It's actually quite simple. In my mind, a disaster is something like a dormant volcano exploding in our living room. If I asses the alleged disaster, and the solution to the alleged disaster involves between five and ten minutes of light cleaning, I ignore her. Simply put, disasters require more than five to ten minutes of light cleaning.

I know many female Ford Retort readers still need further explanation, and because the Ford Retort strives to be a digital domain of positive education and unbridled reconciliation, I will take more time to expound on these ideas. If Jamie came up to me and said, "There's a big, purple elephant sitting on my head, so stop what you're doing and come help me get this big, purple elephant off my head," I would ignore her. I believe you probably understand why. That Elephantidae scenario is beyond the realm of possibility. Thus, when Jamie says the house is a disaster (and since I associate disasters with dormant volcanoes exploding), I ignore for her the same reasons I would ignore her if she said, "There's a big, purple elephant sitting on my head, so stop what you're doing and come help me get this big, purple elephant off my head."

Jamie and I discussed this particular communication issue not long ago, and because she's a very level-headed gal, she definitely understood where I am coming from. Communication...try it...it's a great thing!

Supper Club

2009-07-29T12:16:00.004-05:00

Jamie and I joined our first ever supper club (the Usual Suspects don't really count as one)!

I'm not really sure why I put an exclamation point behind the previous sentence because I'm rather confident that membership in a supper club indicates that you are an old fart.

We did have a good time, though, and enjoyed sharing several stories with old and new friends. We ate at this restaurant. Not half bad...

Been In Trouble With The Law Since The Day He Was Born

2009-07-28T07:42:00.002-05:00

It seems as of late that I've had a few run-ins with local authorities. Let me tell you about them.

While driving home one evening a month or so ago, I came upon a license check being run by the Highway Patrol. I expected to produce my license and proof of insurance for the officer and then sail on my merry way. Frankly, I enjoy a good license check...you know...keeps the vagrants and filth out of the neighborhood. "Mr. Ford," the officer said after giving me back my license and proof of insurance, "are you aware your inspection sticker has been expired almost a year?" Uhhhhhhhh. "Please pull off the side of the road, and I'll be with you momentarily."

I left that encounter with a ticket for having an expired inspection sticker. And while the Highway Patrol officer exemplified the agency's motto of, "courtesy, service, and safety," I didn't exactly drive away fond of my experience. Nonetheless, I am glad to report that mailing proof of a new inspection sticker (which I acquired approximately 12 hours after my chastisement) along with the ticket to the local county courthouse will expunge the ticket and its penalty from your record. Since my entire experience was rather painless, it may have been worth it to see what is plastered across the bottom of one of Mississippi's uniform traffic tickets. Directly above the space for the signature of the officer of the peace is a statement along the lines of "infringement against the honor and innocence of the State of Mississippi..." I laughed aloud the first time I read that and thought to myself, "Did I just rape the State of Mississippi?"

My latest run in with local authorities occurred yesterday. Jamie and I were eating dinner with half of the Usual Suspects at our house, and she recounted an incident that occurred earlier in the day. Apparently an agent of the county came aboard my personal property and removed a pampas grass from my flower bed. From our inspection, we hypothesize that the county feels my pampas grass is obstructing my water meter. I was a little peeved when Jamie told me she watched this guy (apparently a big guy) extirpate my pampas grass without accosting him. She told me that he was a big guy and the chainsaw he was wielding scared her. I told her that if the guy was indeed one buffet line away from a myocardial infarction, he probably wouldn't have been a formidable foe (chainsaw or no chainsaw).

I'll have to consult with my legal counsel, but I have a feeling there is nothing I can do (legally) about the pillaging of my verdant property. And yes, the fat guy really did use a chainsaw to dig up my pampas grass!

Sunday Morning Update

2009-07-26T10:18:00.003-05:00

Good morning!

It is now official. These folks have come and gone. They told us what we already knew: we have no deficiencies! For now, I'll have a break from ensuring continuous compliance with so many of their silly standards. Uhhhhhuuuuuhhhhhhhhh (that was me taking a deep breath).

There's a lot to catch up on (blog-wise and life-wise). Saturday during the day, I did little to nothing. And I have no qualms about it. But yesterday night, Jamie and I were able to catch up with some friends (known as the B B club to some) I originally met at this place. Good times!

I need to run for now. Jamie is working today, and I'm about to take her and her coworkers lunch from this place. Check back in soon. I look forward to chatting and catching up!

Jamie's Lasik Surgery

2009-07-20T07:59:00.000-05:00

Jamie went under the laser Friday morning for Lasik eye surgery. I am pleased to report that the procedure and recovery so far (according to this gentleman) are going well. Other than the fact that she's annoyed with me because I'm asking her to read everything at a distance of greater than twenty feet, Jamie is very pleased with her Lasik decision. She's looking forward to throwing away the glasses and contact lenses.

I stayed out of the office on Friday so I could chauffeur Jamie around for the day. In addition to my transportation responsibilities, I also spent some quality time catching up on this show.

Before they took Jamie back for her procedure, we lingered in a waiting room among twenty or so people. Jamie and I were particularly humored by a gentleman who sat near us. I'm going to guess this gentleman was born and raised in Bude, Mississippi. He was rather loquacious, and because he had undergone several medical procedures, he went out of his way to let everybody know the ins and outs of what was about to happen to them. After listening to him talk for about ten minutes, I leaned over to Jamie and whispered, "I think that guy could really help out the doctor in your surgery. I'm about to go ask him if he'd be willing to scrub in." As I leaned forward to get out of my chair, Jamie pinched the back of my left arm and brought me to my knees as I cried out in pain. Surprisingly, nobody paid much attention to our incident. I think we were simply among fellow clowns in the circus of a surgery center.

Several associates of mine have voiced a bigger concern about Jamie's Lasik surgery: now that she can see you better, is she going to stick around?

Freak Out!

2009-07-19T12:02:00.004-05:00

YouTube is awash in freak out videos. A friend showed me this one the other day. I also particularly enjoyed the Super Mario remix below.

I'd Rather Have Jesus

2009-07-12T07:20:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been in church, singing a hymn or any song for that matter and just had to stop singing? For me, it's happened more than once with this song. "I'd Rather Have Jesus" is a great hymn, but I've often been overcome with the words I am singing. The lyrics are direct, and the message is a bold proclamation. These are not small words, and I've found myself crippled with conviction a time or two.

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I'd rather be his than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands,
I'd rather be led by his nail-pierced hand.

Than to be a king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway,
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause;
I'd rather be faithful to his dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I'd rather be true to his holy name.

Than to be a king of a vast domain
Or be held in sins dread sway,
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
He's sweeter than honey from out of the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs,
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.

Than to be a king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway,
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

Georgia

2009-07-08T08:45:00.001-05:00

This won't shock you: Jamie and I have spent many hours over the past month in sadness over the premature death of Winston. We really miss him. On Saturday, July 4, Winston would have reached the ripe, old age of one year. And while our little puppy had matured to 60 plus pounds of dog, he was just a big baby if you ask me.

Jamie and I will be getting another bulldog. Let there be no doubt! In fact, we planned on getting one of Winston's siblings because his mother, Georgia, was having another litter of baby bulldogs. However, we received some unfortunate news from Wendy earlier this week. Georgia lost all seven of her puppies. Heat is tough on bulldogs, and it may be the culprit in this case. Jamie and I experienced a twinge of disappointment. We were looking forward to having Chaucer aka the Chaucey Baby.

Georgia is a little under the weather right now, so I've been thinking about her often. The above video (admittedly a little out of context, but hey, it was the best I could do) is in honor of her. Get well soon, Georgia!

The Fourth

2009-07-07T20:00:00.003-05:00

To celebrate Independence Day, the Usual Suspects spent the weekend at Eagle Lake in Vicksburg for some fun on the water. We had a grand time in what I like to call "acting da fool." If I told you that the weekend birthed many a notable quotations, would you be surprised? Of course not! So if you were with Jamie, the Usual Suspects, and me, you might have heard these things said...oh wait...

Well I did forgot about that. Our gracious hosts for the weekend were beyond accommodating, but they did have the above stipulation. I can't help but feel compelled to honor their one request: what happens at the lake stays at the lake. Sorry (but remember, Usual Suspects, if any pictures of me get posted on the world wide web...I will renege and write a "tell-all"). Truth is, most of the good quotes aren't repeatable anyway. So I'll mention two stories instead.

Apparently, unannounced to me, the party-planning committee authorized an expenditure in excess of $100 dollars to decorate the redneck party barge for the Eagle Lake Independence Day boat parade. Essentially, the residents of Eagle Lake have this tradition of decorating their boats to show off their pride in our great country with an annual aquatic parade. I was unequivocally assured that our garish decorating efforts would bring us nothing less than the glory of a first-place finish in the competition (my decorating contribution: staying out of the way). Unfortunately, we had to settle for the internal pride we felt for our country, because much of our competition resembled floats you would see in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Nonetheless, I was proud of our team.

During the weekend, I discovered an amazing solution to a divisive national security issue that our country faces. Some limp-wristed politicians find waterboarding to be an objectionable enhanced interrogation tool to extract information from terrorists. Wimps! Thanks to our trip to Eagle Lake, I submit to you a new "water-based" enhanced interogation technique. Let's round up the terrorists, put them on an inner tube attached to a boat being driven by Big Richard, and take them on a ride around a lake. Even the hardest terrorists will melt, cry like babies, and start singing "God Bless America."

Maybe, on Saturday like me, you came to this realization: while I was out on a lake playing and enjoying liberty and civilized society, we had brothers and sisters around the world defending our freedoms. I'm not interested in your political views or affiliation, and I don't care what your opinion is of the current conflicts in which our country is fighting. But I'll tell you this: there are evil people in this world that have a burning desire to destroy America and Americans. And it's not our fault. If you believe otherwise, you're extremely naive or misguided at best.

God bless America, and those who defend her!

Has Anybody Seen a...Michael?

2009-07-05T21:56:00.002-05:00

Well I am back. To say that I haven't enjoyed my hiatus from blogging would be a gross lie. And to say that I've reaped great satisfaction in shirking my journalistic duties would be true. Nonetheless, it's time to end the Summer slump and get back to the serious, world-changing duties of publishing my indispensable thoughts in my small corner of the world wide web.

The love of my life and I have not been idle these last couple of weeks. Hopefully between her blog and the Ford Retort, you'll be able to piece together a picture of what has been happening with us. We've had a wedding here, a wedding there, an outing here, an outing there, and of course a little bit of work. You know how it is.

I devoted some time and real estate on the Ford Retort to the master bathroom renovation that took place not long ago in our house. What received considerably less attention was a bit of landscaping in our yard that Jamie and I undertook. Thanks to the good folks over at Deep Roots, the moaning and groaning was considerably attenuated (they put in beds and borders; Jamie and I planted). I'm very pleased with the way everything turned out, but since I still haven't figured out who is responsible for making it rain, I've dragged miles and miles of hoses and sprinklers around the yard for the last month.

At our front door, Jamie planted several flats of Zinnias. Before we move along, I need to emphasize that these Zinnias belong to Jamie. I have nothing to do with them. I don't water them (unless it's with a bleach solution). I care for the them in no way. I hate a Zinnia! Given the choice between planting Zinnias and breeding African cockroaches, I'd say bring on the crawling critters (uhh...that made me shiver). Frankly, the Zinnia strikes me as a bland and uninteresting flower. It must be a flower that the French adore. Even more frankly, I think the French dog that lives next door to us is very fond Zinnias. You know the French dog...I've mentioned him before...he barks in French, strides in an uppity manner, and voted for Obama.

Winston never cared for the French dog, and I am confident he wouldn't have cared for Jamie's Zinnias. After all, Winston barked with a slight English accent, walked around with little sophistication, and voted for McCain (although he did so grudgingly due to McCain's faux conservative credentials). So if you stop by the house, please admire the aristocratic Japanese Maples and the variegated Monkey Grass, but if you kindly will, simply walk past the Zinnias.

Senator Boxer, Meet Dr. Evil

2009-06-25T07:32:00.002-05:00

Senator Barb Boxer and Kate Gosselin are in a raging quest to see who can have the highest unfavorable rating among human beings who simultaneously posess X and Y chromosomes.

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 5

2009-06-19T08:01:00.002-05:00

With much vexation and chagrin do I report that the greatest nuisance of Clinton, MS, is now back in operation. Argghhh! Let us revisit though that brief time when its reign of terror was stopped.

Nuisance Unplugged

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 4

2009-06-18T09:07:00.000-05:00

My tiffs with Jamie are always a popular topic with faithful Ford Retort readers. I can say that this problem has been solved. Thanks, hun, for your cooperation in this matter!

Garage Parking

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 3

2009-06-17T08:41:00.000-05:00

Before the untimely death of Winston, it sure seemed he got me into some odd predicaments. But we sure had A LOT of fun together. I do know this...he loved it when I sang to him!

Singing with Winston

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 2

2009-06-16T10:33:00.002-05:00

The Usual Suspects are notorious for making appearances on the Ford Retort. And it's a pretty well known fact that they only keep me around in order to record the notable quotations (I didn't even get a single vote when we cast ballots on the new party planning committee)! Even as I drown in my acute awareness of where I stand among the group, I must proclaim that ringing in the New Year in Memphis is the most quote-worthy event to date (a close runner-up would be the time an amalgam of the Usual Suspects got together). Remember these quotes?

Ringin' In the New Year

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 1

2009-06-15T15:24:00.004-05:00

My hair journey is a regular topic of the Ford Retort. Remember this phone call?

Hair Style

Summer Slump

2009-06-15T11:32:00.001-05:00

The Ford Retort is in somewhat of a Summer slump. But read on. There is a plan.
I'm still messing with these folks and their silly standards. Should be done soon though.
I pulled off a pretty tight Trace Double the other night. Jamie was a touch peeved when I successfully passed her along with the other vehicle.
My brother Jonathan is getting married this weekend.
Have you been suffering from the drought of rain...and quotes? Of course you have! Just sit back...relax...and sip them in...

-"I wish Google Maps had an 'avoid ghetto' option."
-"I think I'm just going to call her Lo."
-"You have to remember that they're still over there throwing spears at each other."
-"I'm without a doubt the smartest person I know."
-"He's a loose cannon."
-"MySpace is the Facebook for people who can't list anything under 'Education.'"
-"Dwight is way cooler than he is."

Jamie and I have been adjusting to life without Winston. We miss him most when we get home from work or an outing. He was always so excited to see us when we got back home! So while the house is a little quieter these days, Jamie and I have not backed away from discussing so many of the fun times we had with Winston. We loved our Winsty baby!
During the Summer slump, I've decided to do a Ford Retort "Best of, So Far '09" series. This week, I'll be directing you to some of my favorite posts from this year. And who knows, I might even throw in a some present-day commentary. Should be a fun and relaxing stroll down memory lane!

Guy #3

2009-06-14T21:11:00.000-05:00

I saw this video on Neil's blog. Marketing guru extraordinaire Seth Godin had some insightful commentary about it. I just thought Guy #3 (looks like Jack Black) was really funny.

Nonetheless, Seth's comments might surprise you.

Paul just sent over this video of a dance tribe forming spontaneously at a music festival.

My favorite part happens just before the first minute mark. That's when guy #3 joins the group. Before him, it was just a crazy dancing guy and then maybe one other crazy guy. But it's guy #3 who made it a movement.

Initiators are rare indeed, but it's scary to be the leader. Guy #3 is rare too, but it's a lot less scary and just as important. Guy #49 is irrelevant. No bravery points for being part of the mob.

We need more Guy #3's.

Homeowners' Association

2009-06-08T10:34:00.001-05:00

Let me air a minor squabble of mine.

Living in a neighborhood most likely entails membership/indentured servitude in a homeowners' association (HOA). In theory, these associations are rather innocuous entities. They collect yearly dues to perform duties such as making sure the grass and flower beds at the entrances of the subdivision are cut and maintained, managing pools and playgrounds, and facilitating community-building functions. My neighborhood does have covenants, and while it appears they're selectively enforced, I can't personally report any of the horror stories that I've heard of overbearing HOA's.

On the whole, I'm content with my neighborhood association. They've made no gross intrusion into my life, nor, to my knowledge, have they made any egregiously ignorant decisions. So I'm going to have to assume the members of my HOA became a little bored at the last meeting. You see, they sent out a letter that requesting that residents not blow their grass clippings on the street. Really? And here's why that requests strikes me as particularly asinine. A letter I received before the aforementioned one communicated that the association is lacking over $20,000 of homeowners dues (I estimate that our HOA has a yearly budget of approximately $40,000). Residents are basically choosing to not pay them.

C'mon, guys. Humor me. When you get, oh let's say...99% of those funds, then ask me to stop blowing grass clippings in the street.

Since Jesus Passed By

2009-06-07T06:58:00.000-05:00

Below are the lyrics to a great old gospel song, "Since Jesus Passed By."

Like a blind man I wandered

So lost and undone

A beggar so helpless

Without God or His Son

Then my Savior in mercy

Heard and answered my cry

And oh what a difference

Since Jesus passed by

Oh what a difference

Since Jesus passed by

Well I can't explain it

And I cannot tell you why

But oh what a difference

Since Jesus passed by

All my yesterdays are burried

In the deepest of the sea

The old load of guilt I carried

Is all gone, praise God I'm free

Looking for that bright tomorrow

Where no tears will dim the eye

And oh what a difference

Since Jesus passed by

Oh what a difference

Since Jesus passed by

Well I can't explain it

And I cannot tell you why

But oh what a difference

Oh what a difference

Since Jesus passed by

Winston E. Ford, RIP

2009-06-03T21:48:00.002-05:00

Jamie and I are deeply saddened to announce the untimely death of our beloved English bulldog, Winston E. Ford.

Yesterday afternoon, Winston was acting extremely out of character. He was anxious, panting, and slobbering badly. But at no point did he show any traditional signs of sickness. We had several probable explanations for his behavior, so we didn't become concerned. During the evening, we also consulted with our vet, and he felt like there was no need to be concerned as well.

Around 10 pm, Winston became very agitated and begin convulsing. We immediately loaded him up and took him to the Emergency Animal Clinic off High Street in Jackson. As we were driving, Winston began seizing. For all practical purposes, Winston died during our 20 minute drive to the clinic. Jamie and I believe we heard him take his last breath probably one to two minutes before we entered the clinic doors.

When we arrived at the Emergency Animal Clinic, the vet was able to revive Winston and briefly stabilize him. Jamie and I spoke with the vet after this, and he made us aware that Winston had classic symptoms of brain damage. Before we could finish our conversation with the vet, he had to leave us as Winston had entered in to cardiac arrest. Jamie and I felt very strongly that the most responsible and compassionate decision that we could make for Winston was to let him go. His suffering needed to end.

Before we left the clinic, Jamie and I were allowed to spend a few moments with Winston's body. Although it was gut-wrenching to see our once vibrate Winsty lifeless, we felt at peace with the decision we had made. In the presence of his body, Jamie and I verbalized to our Winsty how much we loved him and reminded him of the insatiable joy he gave us. We communicated that we did our best to take care of him and of our great relief that he was no longer in pain. Ultimately, we felt extreme gratification to know without any doubt that Winston knew we loved him so much!

Jamie and I are deeply saddened by Wiston's premature death. We were planning on throwing a party for him for his first birthday. Winston would have been one year old on July 4. We feel a strong void in our life right now. We expected for our Winsty to be a part of our family for awhile. We wanted our children to love Winston like we loved him. We wanted to see him get older and lazier than he already was. And it probably wasn't likely, be we hoped our Winsty baby might have even become a little sweeter. He loved to be a sweetie and get love! You can't imagine what I would give to walk out of my office as I write this and find Winston playing with his toys, lying on his bed.

On the way home, Jamie and I vehemently agreed on this fact: we are extremely blessed! Even in the aftermath of an unexpected life-changing experience, we couldn't ignore the reality that the good Lord has shown His favor to us. He has blessed us individually and as a couple! And let's not loose sight of this: He gave us Winston for nine months!

Jamie and I want to thank all of the kind folks who have contacted us to express their condolences. We appreciate the kindness and sympathy you have shown us. Jamie and I would also like to thank the staff of the Emergency Animal Clinic for their compassionate care and valiant attempts to save Winston. They gave us much dignity in a difficult process.

As I've mentioned, Jamie and I have decided we will honor Winston's life by doing our best to do what our Winsty baby did best: giving joy to others! Faithful Ford Retort readers, I encourage you to do the same. So I feel it is very appropriate to leave you with this: has anybody seen a Winsty baby?

Good Morning

2009-06-02T08:45:00.002-05:00

Good morning, faithful Ford Retort readers.

These folks are keeping me from my normal writing habits, but I hope my preoccupation with there silly standards will end soon!

Until then, sayonara!

Winsty Wednesday

2009-05-28T06:19:00.001-05:00

Has anybody seen a Winsty baby with a dirty mouth?

It Is Finished

2009-05-25T22:30:00.001-05:00

I'm sure faithful Ford Retort readers are tired of my moaning and groaning about the inconveniences of our master bathroom renovation, so it's a good thing this blog is about what interests me, and not you. Nonetheless, here's your saving grace: it is finished! Jamie and I moved everything back in our bedroom and bathroom this weekend, but it was not without moaning and groaning. So here it goes (hey...stop your whining...you'll get a couple of quotes out of the deal).

Friday night, Jamie and I had a delightful dinner before we got to work. Once again, I'm giving heavy consideration to quitting my job and working to get Jamie on stage to do her impressions. I think I could help her develop a couple of monologues, make a couple of DVD's, and we would retire very wealthy people. But until then, we had to put our bathroom and bedroom back together. Winston even got in on the action. We found him with a lot of our belongings in his mouth. Unfortunately though, he wasn't putting them back in their proper places.

And I knew it was going to happen. I expected it to happen considerably sooner than it did, but it sure enough did. Of what do I speak? After about 45 minutes of work, I had my "I've had enough-you pissed me off-you'll find me in my office if you need me" moment with Jamie. That's right...we do have intense moments of fellowship from time to time...and I was expecting this one to happen about 40 minutes sooner than it did. The fact of the matter is that Jamie and I don't work well together. We have two completely different...oh what's the terminology...project management styles. We did eventually kiss and make up, and completed Part A of our project.

Saturday night, Part B took place. Jamie re-hung various and assorted pictures and mirrors on the bathroom wall. Now here's a piece of friendly advice: if you want to know how strong your marriage is, go either move furniture together or hang pictures together. Be forewarned - superficial adoration you feel towards your spouse will pass away and you will find yourself emotionally stripped naked...naked in raw emotion before your spouse. It can be a painful and scary thing.

After several testy moments, I told Jamie that she was done for the night, and I would be hanging the mirrors. There was spitting and stomping and colorful hissy fits, but I was not going to rest until those mirrors were hung symmetrically and correctly. So I started over. I dismantled Jamie's work, and she became my assistant and I the master carpenter. After measurements, double-checking, and thought, I hung two mirrors the way they were intended to be hung...symmetrically and correctly.

So here's what you've really been waiting for: if you were with Jamie, Winston, and me Saturday night, you might have heard these things said:

"If I had a nickel for every time Winston snotted in my face, I would be a rich man."
"Measure twice, cut once."
"It looks crooked."
"Stop double-checking my work!"
"Math rules, impetuousness drools."
"Feel free to call me "Tim 'The Toolman' Tailor."
"Toolman, get your ass over here pick up your stuff."
"The level does not lie."
"Give me another nickel."
"You can go ahead and pat me on the back."

I guess there's a lesson to be learned here: ~~women should leave the real work to the men~~ if you and your spouse work together, you can accomplish anything.

God of Our Fathers

2009-05-24T08:04:00.000-05:00

Here's an appropriate hymn for Memorial Day weekend.

Saturday Videos

2009-05-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

Isn't this unfortunate.

I imagine this guy is going to need to see his chiropractor.

Not sure about this "No Boundaries" song...

The Worst Invention Ever

2009-05-21T22:04:00.004-05:00

The fax machine is the worst invention ever.

Maybe that's a hyperbolic statement, but I do feel certain that the fax machine is one of the top three worst inventions of mankind. I've written on the Ford Retort before of my ill feelings concerning faxes. Insecure data transmission, manual process, annoying noises, paper jams/depletions, cover sheets that say "# of pages including cover"....ahhhhh...what a flawed communication medium! Please note the three following facts:

1. Attention Baby Boomers: facsimile transmissions do NOT fall in the category of cutting-edge communication. I'm not impressed that you can fax anything.

2. I once used a blow torch to mutilate a fax machine just because I could.
3. Alexander Bain (1808-1903) is traditionally credited as the inventor of the fax machine. Recent studies of Mr. Bain's life indicate that he was a dedicated pagan, known pedophile, practicing freak, and intellectual buffoon. He also routinely practiced bestiality.

At my office, we've long utilized an eFax service. All incoming faxes are efficiently routed to the inboxes of designated recipients as PDF documents (other formats are an option). We do pay for this service, and while the charges are minimal, I do daily agonize that we patronize any service that perpetuates faxes. So in the event you are asked to fax something by a dinosaur from 1982, I would encourage you to use Fax Zero. Upload your digital document to the Fax Zero website, type in the number, and wait for your document to be faxed to the reipient (the service is free because an advertisement will be placed on the fax cover sheet).

Friends, with your help, we can eliminate worldwide hunger and the fax machine.

Stress Relief

2009-05-19T22:06:00.002-05:00

Well, the end of this week should signal the completion of the master bathroom renovation at the Ford household. I believe this is the rule of thumb for construction projects (whether you're building the Taj Mahal or a small tree house): take the anticipated completion date that the contractor gives you for the project and add 100% of that time period to it. In our case, 10-14 days has transmogrified in to at 21 days.

Jamie and I have grown weary of being displaced from our bedroom and bathroom. We're tired of sleeping on the floor. The "quality time quota" for the remainder of my life has been met. Seriously. Marital tensions from time to time have been a little high, especially when Winston comes inside covered in mud from his last bathroom break of the night before we go to bed (also something about me leaving my crap all over the house). But Jamie and I do have a secret weapon when wedded bliss turns in to marital strife: we both can make each other laugh! Let me share with you a couple of our "secret weapons:"

The Funny Face Game. If Jamie and I get bored, it's inevitable that I'll say, "Hey, let's play the Funny Face Game." Jamie usually resists initially but eventually gives in, signaling her capitulation with...you guessed it...a funny face! The rules of the Funny Face Game are simple. The participants take turn making funny faces, and the first person to laugh loses. When Jamie and I play, I always lose. Probably for two reasons...I'm not good at making funny faces (Jamie says I always make the same face, although that's not my intention), yet Jamie is good at making funny faces. Laughs abound!
Jamie's Impressions. If you know Jamie well, you're probably aware that she's really good at impressions. No, she doesn't do famous people, so that precludes her from a profitable television career. That is unless the people she does impressions of become famous. Highly unlikely. Jamie and I were out to eat last week, and she told me a story about one of the individuals she does a dead-zinger impression of. Before you know it, she launched in to the impression as she was telling the story, and my laughter approached hysteria. This is particularly obnoxious and uncouth when we're in public.

Ah yes, it is the holy Scriptures that say a merry heart doeth like good medicine, so brethren, I do tesitfy! Laughter can diffuse the negaitve evergy of a master bathroom renovation. Jamie and I actually have planned another stress-relieving activity soon, and I'll write about that a little later. For now, so long.

Winston

2009-05-18T07:54:00.000-05:00

Has anybody seen a Winsty baby?

Mr. David

2009-05-17T21:15:00.006-05:00

Yesterday morning, I attended the funeral of David Wooten, a good friend of my family whom I've known all of my life. He fought a laborious and lengthy battle with cancer, and while death may have won the battle on this side of eternity, Mr. David is the final victor in the war. I know Mr. David would have been very honored by the kind words spoken about him at his funeral. Instead of belaboring the stories and memories which others have of him, I'll share with you several memories I have of Mr. David.

My fondest memories of Mr. David undoubtedly involve our church camping trips. Two or three times a year throughout my childhood, my church would have a weekend camping trip somewhere around the state. As Activities Director for the church, Mr. David had the responsibility of planning each trip, everything from location to meals. My father acquired the responsibility of helping Mr. David each trip, specifically by using his truck for transportation. Each and every trip, I can remember the expectation and excitement I felt about getting out of school in the middle of the day to go on one of Mr. David's camping trips. My dad would come pick up Jonathan and me, and we'd swing by the house to pick up our supplies before heading a couple of minutes down the road to Mr. David's house. Here are a couple of specific memories:

Mr. David was a talented magician. Some folks say this magic I speak of is nothing more than the talent of being a "master packer," but I'm convinced that Mr. David's ability to use every inch of space, sometimes even defying gravity, couldn't be anything other than hocus pocus. After pulling up at Mr. David's house, I'd hop out of the truck only to see what seemed to be acres of camping supplies and equipment in his driveway and garage. Tents and tarps and canopies and tools and pots and pans and stoves and duffel bags. Acres of equipment and supplies that had to go with us! But every time, Mr. David gracefully packed these infinite bundles of equipment and cumbersome stacks of supplies into the compressed bed of a Ford pick up truck.

Every camping trip testified to Mr. David's meticulous attention to detail. Planning meals for large crowds of people certainly seems overwhelming to someone like me who can barely get motivated to prepare food for himself, but I never worried about eating when I knew Mr. David was cooking. The man could cook! Mr. David was not exactly a "lean cuisine" type of cook. In fact, Saturday breakfast on a camping trip consisted of my favorite recipe of Mr. David's: the "one pound of butter to one pound of grits" entree. Seriously, if you went to dip out a large helping of grits on your plate, there was a good chance you might pull out a stick of butter! But again, he was a meticulous planner. We never never ran out of food nor did we bring any excess home.

There was always one event during a camping trip that tended to scare me. Even though I wasn't ultimately responsible for it, helping put up Mr. David's tent was always a daunting task. If I remember correctly, his tent was about 1,500 square feet and had approximately 850 poles to assemble. It seemed that way anyway. I'm still dumbfounded that he put that tent together without a single set of directions. Here's another thing: after a hard day of preparation and work, Mr. David always had a restful night of sleep. Nobody else at the camp site did, but he sure did. Mr. David was a world champion snorer. We slept in some scary and secluded places sometimes, but I never feared for my safety. Mr. David's snoring easily scared off any creature with malcontent.

Mr. David was not an easily excitable guy, but I can recollect one memory of him getting agitated. One camping trip, we spent some time chopping fire wood when we first arrived. A campground manager soon showed up and confronted us about our great sin i.e. chopping firewood while camping at a state campground. You see, the campground manager was particularly worried about the byproduct of our activity - wood chips. That's right. The campground manager was concerned about having to clean up wood chips at a camp site, and Mr. David didn't take real kindly to being told he couldn't chop wood. But we did have our revenge. A couple of the kids (I'm pretty sure I headed it up) decided to put out our campfire on Saturday morning with pine straw. Why pine straw instead of water? Well, burning pine straw produces a thick white smoke, and we took great care to fan the smoke to the camp manager's nearby trailer...definitely smoked the guy out. It was awesome! Mr. David definitely didn't call us off on that one.

Mr. David had a wry, straight forward sense of humor. To this day, I still remember this rather random story about him. Before we left town for a camping trip one Friday afternoon, we stopped by a convenience store to pick up some snacks. By the way, let me give you a brief summary of our traveling arrangements: two adults and four kids in the front cab of a truck. I'm getting claustrophobic just thinking about it. Anyway, I noticed Mr. David coming out of the convenience store with a bottle of coke and bag of chips I didn't recognize. Some type of spicy and cheesy chips. So I asked Mr. David what they were, and after giving me the answer, he said, "yep...guaranteed to make you poot." I still smile when I think about it!

For Christians, funerals aren't for the deceased but for the friends and family left behind. Mr. David no longer has a sin-scarred body, but a healthy and supernatural body. Thanks, Mr. David, for your servant's heart. Now every day for Mr. David is truly just another exciting day.

Happiness

2009-05-17T06:08:00.000-05:00

Let's switch gears from the Sunday hymn to the Sunday sermon.

The Weekend

2009-05-12T15:40:00.008-05:00

Good day, faithful Ford Retort readers. Let's catch up a little bit.

On Friday, I took the day off from work because, simply put, Jamie and I had too much happening (random thought: I used to work with a guy that used the word "simply" too often e.g. "I simply placed the eggs in the basket" or "I simply sat down in the chair"...simply annoying). I hacked away at some thick grass for a couple of hours in the morning, and after eating lunch at this place, Jamie and I took care of some errands around town. Friday evening, we attended a wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner here for my good friend Landon and his ~~fiance~~ wife Julia. I feel very comfortable saying that Landon is the coolest guy I know (cynics might suggest that this means I need to work very hard to meet some new folks, but I disagree). So I was pleased to be in his wedding at this place on Saturday. After the reception, the Usual Suspects met and held a brief get-together. We had to vote on a new party-planning committee or something like that.

Sunday (I hope you know) was Mother's Day, so Jamie and I had some of our family up to our house for lunch. You know, who doesn't love a good hamburger? And Sunday night, we spent some time with Jamie's sisters and their families. Again, who doesn't love a good hamburger? And on a side note: I knew it was going to happen eventually! The project manager for our bathroom renovation asked me this morning, "Now exactly who is Winsty Baby?"

Saturday Morning Videos

2009-05-09T09:05:00.003-05:00

I'm more horrified that he's using the cheesy pseudonym of "Chuck Storm."

Sorry, guys. You won't see this at "Thirsty Thursday."

Frank, sorry it didn't work out like you planned.

And I found this looking for the video of Frank. Beeerrrrrrtt Case!

Confession

2009-05-08T14:32:00.007-05:00

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat
is good for dandruff - it is a palliative rather than a remedy.

I messed up. Big time. It could have been a very bad thing. Oh...the poor Winsty Baby!

On Thursday, Jamie worked during the day, so she left the house rather early. I was in a rush to get out the door that morning as well, so I hurriedly did all the things that Jamie requires me to do before I leave the house - turn off the lights, make sure the doors are locked, and set the thermostat to the right temperature. This is in addition to the default task of getting Winston situated for the day - making sure he has a clean towel, filling up his water bowl, and ensuring that he has had adequate time to go to the bathroom outside. Yeah, I'm busy in the mornings.

Jamie and I didn't get home until about 10:30 pm on Thursday night. We had a birthday party to attend at this place (a birthday tip of the fedora to ABB (and I guess JEM)), and we didn't get started until 8 pm. Jamie worked until 7:30 pm, and I stayed at the office until then as well. I give you those details to remind you that Winston had not seen us for around fifteen hours.

I arrived at the house before Jamie at the end of the night. I got Winston's bowl of food prepared, and as I went to get him out of his crate, I was completely befuddled when I found the crate door wide open - without a Winsty Baby. That's when I hear Winston at the back door - outside at the back door. I quickly let him in...I was in somewhat of a daze...and he explodes into the house coated in mud. Then it hit me: I forgot to let Winston back inside before I left the house that morning. Uh oh!

Bulldogs cannot handle heat. It can easily be fatal to them. So let me be very frank: I would have been in deep, deep shit had anything detrimental happened to the Winsty baby because of my irresponsibility! Bad, bad things...

The Winsty Baby doesn't appear to be scarred from his abandonment. Although Thursday was a humid day, Winston showed no signs of overheating. In fact, I think he wallowed in the mud to help cool himself down. I've always said Winston is not the smartest dog around (much to the chagrin of Jamie), but his MacGyver-like survival skills did leave me with much to ponder. Maybe he's a little smarter than he lets on. The bottom line is the Winsty Baby is ok. After his bath, he seemed back to his old self, and today, he has received a lot of attention and love. We have fanned him with palm branches for a majority of the day, and he has received an extra helping of doggie treats for his "never say quit" attitude. Scoot over, St. Bernards...you have met your match in the Winsty baby.

I'm still pondering what the self-imposed penance for my parental neglect will be. I'll let you know if I come up with something.

A Thief in the Night

2009-05-06T07:40:00.004-05:00

After eating here last night with some friends, Jamie and I came home and went to the bedroom...actually, the "upper room"as we continue to sleep on the floor. But I digress. Our early bed time is the most likely explanation of our early wake up time.

Jamie was already in the kitchen when I came down the stairs at around five am this morning, but my entry into the lower level of our humble abode was less than graceful. I'm guessing I missed a step, but I can say for sure that I fell head over heels through Winston's doggy gate.

Although I badly scared Jamie (not for my safety...she thought a thief had come unexpectedly in the night...cue biblical allusion), I'm more concerned that Winston will figure out it wouldn't take much for him to knock his gate down. Oh well.

You People

2009-05-04T08:53:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...

This is from the Delaware Department of Transportation's "Diversity Spotlight" Spring 2009 Newsletter. Now isn't that special! And they say Southerners are backwards....

A tip of the fedora to the folks over at the American Thinker for this find.

Come Thou Fount

2009-05-03T07:02:00.002-05:00

This is quite nice!

Winsty Baby

2009-04-29T20:18:00.001-05:00

Has anybody seen a Winsty baby?

Take the Bait!

2009-04-28T21:32:00.001-05:00

I ran across this on another blog: Houston PD set up a vehicle to bait car thieves, complete with a hidden camera. I'm stimulated!

Upheaval

2009-04-27T07:45:00.002-05:00

Upheaval! For the next week or so, I'm expecting my life to be somewhere between organized chaos and outright bedlam. The facts as I know them:

Jamie got home from the beach last night. Of course, you can't have it together when you just get home from the beach.
I spent much of yesterday emptying our bathroom because, in mere moments, some folks from this place are coming to begin a renovation of our master bathroom. I'll be excited about this 10-14 days from now, but for the next 10-14 days, Jamie and I will be displaced from our bedroom and bathroom (I had no idea I had that much hair depoofer in our bathroom). Since our guest bedroom contains a double bed (we have a king size in our bedroom), we are opting to sleep on the floor in the extra room above our garage. Sleeping in that double bed is simply not an option...especially when viable alternatives exist such as sleeping on an ant bed or in a pool of hot turpentine or on a fresh roll of industrial sand paper.
This is Jamie's "long week" at work. Somebody has to take care of meek and lowly babies! And for me, some sea snail serum big-wig is showing up at the office promising to take us national, so we have to be on our best behavior. We don't do that well.
Quote from Jamie last night: "Although I know our bedroom and bathroom will get dirty over the course of the renovation, there's no reason our living room and kitchen have to get out of control." Faithful Ford Retort readers, I'm forecasting a bad week...

Oh What a Time!

2009-04-26T20:06:00.004-05:00

There's an old gospel song titled, "Oh What a Time," and I can't think of a more appropriate set of words to open up this post. Whatcha think, Amanda?

Well on Friday night, an interesting...oh what's the word....amalgam...of the Usual Suspects got together. Only 66% of the group was present (I'll round it up to 75% since I was there), but although we lacked two members due to beach time and good-lookin' German women, we did not experience a paucity ("Never Seen That Word Before" toolbar, John) of notable quotations. That's right: 75% of the Usual Suspects without a doubt produced 150% of great quotes. So without further adieu...

If you were with Jamie (telephonically for about 60 seconds), the other 75% of the Usual Suspects, and myself on Friday night, you might have heard these things said:

"Amie, where's your foot?"
"Tucker just peed on my arm."
"Bet you can't put your toe in your mouth."
"Obama, Obama, Oobbammmaaaaaaaa"
"I wonder if you have to pass boards to get a hair license?"
"Let's go to Canton!"
"It's not pronounced 'o-dacity,' it's pronounced 'aw-dacity.'"
"I want to see the work they've done in your bathroom/They haven't started the renovation yet/Well I want to see a before and after...oh lookie here..."
"Do you know what xanthodontous means?"
"Amanda and I don't communicate unless we're drunk, but when we are...wavelength!"
"You're Dr. John, not Dr. Phil."
"He's definitely my favorite 'ad!"
"Christians read my blog."
"Don't bend over when you drive by that place!"
"That kid needs to be on stage."
"If the choice is between saving the environment and keeping my crack clean, my crack will win that one every time."
"Put that camera down!"
"If you won't tell, I won't tell."
"There's a sweet, sweet spirit in this place."
"Has anybody seen a Winsty baby?"
"I've got two letters for ya'..."
"I've got a feeling I'm not going to have my dinner sponsored anymore."
"Well he used to send me dirty messages, but now he sends them to Al the Tailor."
"Hey sawbones, I'm just carryin' on an old family tradition."
"It's still just a little too sweet."
"It was 4 am in Tunica, and some guy walks up and tells me I'm way too good for him."
"Michael, may I have my credentials back?"

Covert Message

2009-04-26T15:06:00.004-05:00

Faithful Ford Retort readers: please indulge me as I send a covert message.

Dr. L.NLT, really? Bill's false teeth would pop out if he saw the vaudeville routine we talked about earlier! And then this? Yuck!

Reason Enough

2009-04-26T06:09:00.002-05:00

When I post lyrics of a hymn or gospel song, it's normally an older ballad. Here's the lyrics to a beautiful new song, Reason Enough:

You have walked me through the valley
Of the shadows dark and low
And that's reason enough to believe
You have shown me endless mercy
Oh why, I'll never know
And that's reason enough to believe

So I won't wait for signs and wonders
To teach me how to trust
Cause You've already proven Lord
The depths of Your great love
You took the cross so willingly
And spilled Your precious blood
And that's reason enough to believe
Yes, that's reason enough for me

When I took Your grace for granted
I was granted even more
And that's reason enough to believe
With compassion You convinced me
I'm not hopeless anymore
And that's reason enough to believe

So I won't wait for signs and wonders
To teach me how to trust
Cause You've already proven Lord
The depths of Your great love
You took the cross so willingly
And spilled Your precious blood
And that's reason enough to believe
Yes, that's reason enough for me

Gun Control

2009-04-25T12:22:00.005-05:00

"...to disarm the people - that was the best

and most effectual way to enslave them."
-George Mason