Monday, January 11, 2010

New Years Resolutions

There's something about New Year's resolution that have always irked me. For me, they're pretty much a failure.

After hearing a "life expert" on a morning television show lecture me on the good that comes from establishing New Year's resolutions and fulfilling them, I decided I would cast aside my own aversions to these goals and make some of my own resolutions. However, I will not set myself up for failure. That's why I decided that all of my New Year's resolutions will be to stop doing morally repugnant things that I already don't do. Seems to me that everybody will be a winner. Hey, what's wrong with setting yourself up for success?

Here's a list of my New Year's resolutions:
  • Stop oppressing the poor and downtrodden
  • Stop abusing prescription medication and illicit substances
  • Stop faking heart attacks in church services
  • Stop watching The Bachelor
  • Stop taking advantage of and manipulating the elderly for financial gain
  • Stop beating Jamie
  • Stop operating murder-for-hire services
  • Stop running ponzi schemes that eventually implode and wipe away the wealth of millions of retirement accounts
  • Stop slapping babies merely for amusement
  • Stop urinating and defecating in grocery stores
  • Stop torturing small animals
  • Stop voting for liberals
  • Stop stealing from reputable charities
Oh how I love the natural high from accomplishing goals and bettering oneself (cue the self-congratulating smirks).

1 comment:

Sarah Denley said...

the best thing about this list is that you classify "watching The Bachelor" as a 'morally repugnant' activity. Ha!