Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Carnival Cruise

Last month, Jamie and I and the Usual Suspects embarked on a cruise.

Now let me go ahead and disappoint you. For faithful Ford Readers, I rarely hold back anything. However, my better judgment will not a allow me to posts any quotes from our trip. Sorry, it just ain't gonna happen. I'm sure a couple of you are thinking, "Michael, you aren't foolin' me. There were no quotes." Let my response be firm and lucid: Do not decieve yourselves. We were birthing quotes like a Medicaid momma births babies. Quotes abounded from every orifice, and frankly, that's why I'm not posting any. Well, how about three?
  • "Hey look, it's Funship Freddie!"
  • "That's what got us in this situation."
  • "I knock down a couple of drinks of the day, and the next thing you know, I'm on the Lido deck doing the Cupid Shuffle."
Actually, I just made up the third quote, but it would have been a good one had I (or one of the Usual Suspects) said it.

Overall, our cruise was a grand success. While life afloat is delightful at the end of the day, it's always good to be back home. Worries and stress, we permanently declare: bon voyage!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

And Speaking of Trash...

And speaking of trash, do you think that the garbage man thought Sanford and Son had set up shop at our house when they stopped by to dispose of our garbage?


After work one day, I walk in my kitchen and find the above scene. I ask Jamie, "How did that get there?" She responds, "I don't know."

Translation: take the trash out you, bum!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wild Eyed and Crazy

Any time Jamie says, "Michael, do you remember what you did last night," I know I'm about to hear something outrageous.

Last night, Jamie said she woke up, and I was approximately 6 inches from her face, staring at her with my eyes wide open. She said I really scared her, and she blurted out, "Michael, what's wrong?" At this point, according to Jamie, I asked her if I was bleeding on the sheets. Jamie told me that I wasn't bleeding, but I continued to voice concerns about staining the sheets with blood. After crawling around the bed and an inspection for blood by Jamie (she thought I might have had a nose bleed), I quickly settled down and went back to sleep.

I can't help but wonder what I was dreaming about. What thoughts were swirling around my subconscious? Here are my ideas:
  • I just murdered someone or was just murdered.
  • During intravenous antibiotic administration, my IV access blew.
  • Someone punched me in the nose.
  • I just assisted with delivering a baby.
  • I was swimming in the Nile River during the First Plague of Egypt.
I've did a small amount of online research concerning the meaning of blood in dreams. You probably know what the conventional wisdom suggests. Blood in dreams primarily relates to the health and vitality of our lives. Bleeding may suggest open wounds i.e. struggling relationships.

I decided I'm going to keep a dream log. Stay tuned.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Senior Adult Choir

Since the Ford Retort brought you "The Renewed Mind Is the Key" and "Jesus Is My Friend," I feel a certain obligation to post this video as well. Yes, a perfect trifecta!

July 4 Weekend

Once again, Jamie and I and the Usual Suspects spent the Independence Day weekend at Eagle Lake, outside of Vicksburg. The weekend contained all of the incidents and you expect to hear of when the Usual Suspects get together: allegations of drug abuse, martial improprieties, domestic disputes, character assassination, and general social upheaval . So firstly, let's just go ahead and go straight to the quotes because I know faithful Ford Retort readers are starving for a hearty round of nourishing quotes. Chef, you may now serve them!

So if you happened to be with me, Jamie, and the Usual Suspects, you might have heard these things said:
  • "Y'all come get some pizza, but it's $7.50 a slice."
  • "Jessie loves you."
  • "We're going to the Lo Sto tonight to celebrate our anniversary."
  • "Poor Sky."
  • "Big Richard doesn't remember you calling him."
  • "%@$(57(^&$(^...keys....@(*%&(^)*&(%&....locked....%(*&%$"
  • "May we get some straws?"
  • "I'll close my eyes while you get out of the shower."
  • "You're still on probation."
  • "My, what a trailer!"
  • "What are AG jeans?"
  • "Amanda...your sunglasses!"
  • "I didn't sleep well last night...somebody kept clapping their hands and beating on the wall and clearing their throat..."
  • "I don't even want to know why y'all have that towel in the bed."
  • "We need a theme next year."
  • "Save your beads for Jordan."
  • "The grass isn't as green on the other side as you thought it was."
  • "Julie, you saved us!"
Due to an incident of unpleasantness during our time at Eagle Lake, one participant of the weekend's freedom festivities found herself extremely close to feeling the full wrath of righteous indignation. Her inappropriate display of unjustified anger regarding a common error landed her in some hot water. However, much mercy was shown to this individual, and she was merely placed on probation. I'm happy to report this participant is nearing the end of her probationary period, having fulfilled 80 of the 90 required hours of community service and proving to her significant other her ability to demonstrate a gentler spirit when the minor irritations of life surface. Congratulations!

Other highlights/notable events of the weekend include:
  • Our attempt to spice up the party barge with red, white, and blue was once a again a momentous failure and an embarrassment to hard-working Americans across the fruited plains.
  • Something happened on Sunday afternoon after we got home. Can't talk about it now. But it's quite notable.
  • Nobody lost any money at the casino (I attribute this primarily to the fact that we didn't go).
  • We had an excellent round of hot wings.
  • And last but not least, the Chaucey baby stayed with one of his babysitters and according to all reports, he entertained the local kids and had a remarkable and grand time!
Once the weekend was over, the Usual Suspects took a vote and the weekend will be marked in the history books as "successful."

Sunday, August 29, 2010


Hello, faithful Ford Retort readers. Believe it or not, I think I'm back. But don't expect any slobbering apologies for my absence...not going to happen. As I've always said, this blog is about me and what interests me. And if I feel disinterested, not much is going to happen. So there!

For this week, I'm planning to do some catch up posts. I'll fill you in on what Jamie and I have been up to. So let's get this party started!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Deep Thoughts with Michael & Jamie

Does anybody remember the Saturday Night Live skit "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey?" I'm pretty sure Jamie had her own "deep thoughts" moment as we were eating dinner together last night (and might I add, dinner was delicious).

Jamie: When Chaucer burps and poots, it doesn't even phase him.
Michael: What do you mean?
Jamie: Well as loud as it always is, you think he would say "excuse me."
Michael: Jamie, he's a dog. He doesn't understand how to say "excuse me," and that an apology is even warranted.
Jamie: You'd think he'd at least go...(at this point, Jamie pauses and makes an expression. The expression reflects the facial display of a retarded orangutan passing gas).

Oddly enough, we preceded with our meal as if no retarded orangutan passing gas facial expression was ever made. And Chaucer continued eating his piece of ice.

This has been "Deep Thoughts with Michael and Jamie."

(cue dreamy music)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


If I need a to pick up a gallon of milk during the evening or fulfill a seemingly insatiable chocolate craving, you will probably find me at the Dollar General around the corner from my house. The milk is usually overpriced, but hey, you can't beat the convenience.

I found myself in need of a gallon of overpriced milk one evening, so I got dressed and scurried in the Dollar General. I searched the milk to find one from the batch with the longest expiration date. I ran up to the counter to pay. Looking back, I'm not even sure I so much as greeted the cashier (rude, I know). But the cashier surprised me. She quickly said, "You know, I've been meaning to tell you something (she obviously recognized me from previous visits). You know that show 'My Name is Earl?' You remind me of Earl, with the hair." I said, "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing," and she responded, "It be a good thing. Because Earl is funny and he really has a good heart."

What other people think of me has never really bothered me, but I'll be honest: Dollar General cashier's comment did make me go look in the mirror.

Monday, May 3, 2010


As I channel-surfed one quiet evening after work, Chaucer was moping around my chair, so I snatched him up and let him sit with me. He squirmed around until he got comfortable, and when he settled down, I resumed browsing through the vast wasteland, trying to find something that interested me. When I landed on a show on one of the cable news stations, two well-known talking heads were debating the merits of the recent health care reform congressional bill, which is now law of our land. I soon clicked on my way because both of the gentlemen failed to articulate the motives of the politicians and demagogues who pushed for this "reform" (I'll give you a hint: it's not to provide health insurance to those who can't afford it).

However, as I petted Chaucer, I realized a seed had been planted in my fertile mind. You know, if Joe Artist deserves free health care, doesn't the Chaucey Baby deserve it as well? Yes, if we're extending health insurance benefits to the uninsured, why not extend health insurance benefits to domesticated pets? Uh huh...and we shall call this new entitlement...you guessed it...ChaucerCare.

What similarities do ObamaCare recipients and ChaucerCare recipients share, you ask? Well let's review an average day in the life of the Chaucey Baby (I'll expect you to glean the similarities related to the average ObamaCare recipient). At some unannounced and random point in the morning, Chaucer will begin to whine. This signals he is ready for attention and is also ready to eat. Productive citizens of society (Jamie or myself) will have to arise early and meet the needs of the Chaucey Baby. Chaucer's day will then consist of the following: playing with his toys, piddling around the house, watching Ellen (more on that in a later post), defecating and urinating, and sleeping (his majority activity). Chaucer already receives free, climate-controlled housing and free food and water. Well, it's actually not free; it's paid for by Jamie and myself i.e. productive citizens of society. At the end of the day, Chaucer will receive fresh bedding and lay down his head, enjoying the largesse of capitalism and the benevolence of his owners.

Frankly, the Chaucey Baby only has one responsibility, and that responsibility is being a sweetie (which I will say he does very well). For him though, it requires not effort and ultimately reaps no financial remuneration. Really, the hardest decision Chaucer has to make every day is what part of a 25 square foot area he's going to poop in. Regarding meaningful contributions to society, Chaucer makes none (other than being a sweetie, of course). He provides no goods or services in any segment of our economy (I don't think being a sweetie counts). He only takes and has never given me a dime, yet Chaucer is always demanding more. Nonetheless I do contend he deserves free health care! And what if he illegally immigrated from England? Let's not even go there...

Faithful Ford Retort readers, let's stick it to Big Business and Big Insurance. Demand that the federal government not only pay for your health care, but for your pet's health care as well!

Monday, April 19, 2010


Have you ever had that moment when you were acutely aware of the fact that you probably aren't normal? It happened to me the other day...

Jamie and I saw the above video on America's Funniest Videos not long ago, and we both had a hardy chuckle about it. But that wasn't good enough for my lovely wife. Yep, she had to try it herself. At least I can say that I caught on a little quicker than the guy in the video (it's only happened once in a public place and once on our back patio). I know you're wondering: it was a very quick, non-flamboyant dance.

And how about the Jimmy Dean commercial? Jamie and I find it to be really funny. So we've been known to sing to each other like the sunshine man. Of course, Jamie has always been superb at impressions, so her songs are always much funnier than mine anyway. Maybe that makes her stranger than me.

I heard somebody say that normalcy is not something to aspire to, but rather get away from. For now, I guess I'll buy that.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

He Is Risen!

Amazing grace shall always be my song of praise,
For it was grace that bought my liberty;
I do not know just why He came to love me so,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

I shall forever lift my eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross where Jesus died for me;
How marvelous the grace that caught my falling soul,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

If not for grace my soul would be a drifting ship,
With no safe harbor from the angry waves.
But Calvary's cross shines brightly through the darkest storm,
And just in time His mercy rescues me!

I shall forever lift my eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross where Jesus died for me;
How marvelous the grace that caught my falling soul,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Lookin' Good

You know, only certain men can pull off the "black on black" shirt and slacks combo. But if you're really good, try mixing it up by sporting different shades of black and differing textures or patterns (you may not can tell, but my pants have tiny white pinstripes).

Yeah...well you know...ummmm hmmmmmmm

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sleeping Beauty

Has anybody seen a sleepy Chaucey baby?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Chaucer Update

Chaucer is doing great! Jamie and I just adore him, and he's brought a lot of energy to our home (bulldogs aren't exactly known for their energy). The Chaucey baby definitely requires lots of love, but we're managing to give him all the attention he needs.

Last Saturday, I took Chaucer to this place for his first veterinary visit. He got his shots and received a clean bill of health. He (like the Winsty baby) received much attention when he was at the vet. One sweet lady just had to come hold him. I didn't really mind that. However she kept saying, "She is so pretty," and "How old is she?" I promptly responded, "Chaucer is a "he." He has a penis." Actually I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

Chaucer's house training is going exceptionally well. We've been very proud of the Chaucey baby! And we've finally had a major breakthrough with his crate training. He's starting to spend the entire night in his crate. So what was happening before he started spending the entire night in his crate? Well...he was sleeping in the bed with us (simmer down, John and Amie, just calm down). With Winston, we did a lot of things we never said we would do with him, but he NEVER got in the bed with us. No such luck with the Chaucey baby. What can I say...he's a sweetie!

Jamie mentioned the other day that Chaucer is so much easier to handle than Winston. I can't say I'm with her on that. While Winston had his moments, I've seen a very mischievous side of Chaucer a couple of times so far. In fact one day I had to explain to Chaucer that if he didn't get a grip, he was going to go from being the Chaucey baby to the Chaucey booger. He straightened up when he heard that.

Soon enough, I'll post some pictures.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Chaucer Has Arrived

Faithful Ford Retort readers, Jamie and I are pleased to announce the arrival of Chaucer E. Ford in our home. Brian and Wendy Frederick, our bulldog mentors (and friends), delivered Chaucer to us on Saturday, February 13. He weighs about 10 pounds and is almost nine weeks old (DOB: 12/16/09). You may be wondering about Chaucer's name, and yes, he is named after the English author Geoffrey Chaucer. Also like with Winston, his middle name is "E." The "E" is not an abbreviation for his middle name...it is his middle name (see Harry S. Truman).

After situating Chaucer, Jamie and I took Brian and Wendy out to eat at this restaurant. Simply said: it's the least we could do. Brian and Wendy are honorable folks and have gone above and beyond keeping the Golden Rule. I must say I am extremely gratified that our common bond is a simple love and admiration for one of the good Lord's cuddliest creatures, the English Bulldog. Thanks again, Brian and Wendy!

It's always been my contention with Jamie that we are so much more prepared to raise Chaucer. With Winston, we just did the best we knew how, often flying by the seat of our pants. Chaucer is definitely benefiting from our past experiences. We've already got the Benadryl elixir and have the correct dosage/administration frequency written on the bottle (1 mg/lb q 8-12 hours). And the triple antibiotic is ready for action. Basically, we're prepared to give Chaucer much more structure early on than Winston had. We've also enjoyed seeing some of the similarities between Winston and Chaucer. They have the very same favorite toy ("rubber tire ball" with bell). And they have the same "chill-out" spot: under the coffee table. The major difference so far? Chaucer relaxes is his bed while Winston chewed his up.

Chaucer is getting accustomed to his new home without any problems. His house training is going exceptionally well. Jamie and I are very pleased with his personality, curiosity, and temperament. His crate training has been a little challenging. About 4:30 am yesterday morning, after an hour of whining, I got him out of his crate, put him in his bed, and slept next to him the rest of the morning. Tonight, he won't get off so easy.

Of course the question everybody is craving an answer to is this: is the Chaucey baby a sweetie? Well...like the Geico commercial asks...is Ed "Too Tall" Jones too tall? Uh...yeah.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

It's So Cold...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Visiting with Chaucer

Chaucer E. Ford

On Saturday morning, Jamie and I made a somewhat spontaneous trip to Amory, MS to visit our Chaucer. He was just as precious as we imagined him! The very generous Wendy Frederick graciously hosted us in her home while we spent some quality time with Chaucer, his siblings, and family. If you are interested in an English bulldog, get in touch with Wendy. Her bulldogs are raised as a part of her family - in her home. Wendy and her family love English bulldogs and breed them not to make a quick buck, but in order to spread a love of the breed.

Here are some pictures from our trip:

Lucy is one of the late, great Winsty baby's sisters. She is expecting a litter of puppies around the beginning of February.

Georgia is the late, great Winsty baby's mother. I noticed she and Winston shared many of the same mannerisms. For instance, when Georgia wanted attention, she would paw at you (Winston did the same thing). Also like Winston, Georgia knows when there's a camera around!

Maddie is Chaucer's mother (and another one of Winston's sisters). She is tired from nursing those seven pups!

Chaucer will be joining us around mid-February. We are very ready for him and look forward to the energy, fun, and joy he will bring to our home! I can't explain it...there's just something about a bulldog...

And I can't finish this post on bulldogs without a picture of the Winsty baby!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pants on the Ground

So I'm definitely all over this song!

Monday, January 11, 2010

New Years Resolutions

There's something about New Year's resolution that have always irked me. For me, they're pretty much a failure.

After hearing a "life expert" on a morning television show lecture me on the good that comes from establishing New Year's resolutions and fulfilling them, I decided I would cast aside my own aversions to these goals and make some of my own resolutions. However, I will not set myself up for failure. That's why I decided that all of my New Year's resolutions will be to stop doing morally repugnant things that I already don't do. Seems to me that everybody will be a winner. Hey, what's wrong with setting yourself up for success?

Here's a list of my New Year's resolutions:
  • Stop oppressing the poor and downtrodden
  • Stop abusing prescription medication and illicit substances
  • Stop faking heart attacks in church services
  • Stop watching The Bachelor
  • Stop taking advantage of and manipulating the elderly for financial gain
  • Stop beating Jamie
  • Stop operating murder-for-hire services
  • Stop running ponzi schemes that eventually implode and wipe away the wealth of millions of retirement accounts
  • Stop slapping babies merely for amusement
  • Stop urinating and defecating in grocery stores
  • Stop torturing small animals
  • Stop voting for liberals
  • Stop stealing from reputable charities
Oh how I love the natural high from accomplishing goals and bettering oneself (cue the self-congratulating smirks).

Friday, January 8, 2010

Junior Weathercaster

Butler is the son of a pharmacist I work with. And I thought he did a phenomenal job as the Junior Weathercaster for "blank">WJTV. Take a look!

Not Too Heavy, Not Too Light

This is currently my favorite commercial on television!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010

Ringin' In the New Year

Faithful Ford Retort readers, happy 2010!

To celebrate the dawning of a new year, Jamie, the Usual Suspects, and myself made a quick trip down I-20 to the River City, Vicksvegas! We opted this year to take a leave of absence from our so-far customary celebration at the Peabody in Memphis (in reality, any time white folks decide not to dance, we're all better off for it).

Yes, yes...I know, I know...you don't have to tell me...here's what you've really been waiting for: the quotes! So if you were with Jamie, the Usual Suspects, and me, you just might have heard these things said:
  • "I'm going to introduce myself as Carol Anne's illegitimate son. Do you think that will be a problem?"
  • "Act like you're supposed to be here."
  • "What is that smell?"
  • "If you do that again, I'm throwing you in jail."
  • "I danced with Nick Jonas at my party!"
  • "Next year, I'm paying for everybody to go to Memphis."
  • "Hey, John/Amanda, there's a lifetime client. You can retire off her mouth!"
  • "This ain't sketchy...it's 61 North!"
  • "The Winsty baby!"
  • "Is that a goat in the back of that guy's truck?"
  • "And the third guy said, 'My favorite style is rodeo style.'"
  • "You're not going to believe who just texted me..."
  • "If you're going to have a wreck, do it big. I don't want to limp away from this."
  • "I don't think so, Scooter."
  • "Yeah, it's running down my shirt. I win."
  • "Wei-mar-rain-ner"
  • "Six people can fit in her van."
  • "Twenty dollars fell out of her pocket."
  • "Double down, baby!"
  • "He can't even finish and keep a straight face."
To the Usual Suspects, all my love! By the way, I looked at our picture from last year, and we haven't aged a bit.

Faithful Ford Retort readers, let's keep on rockin' and rollin'. I genuinely hope this year brings you bigger portions of joy and victories than heartache and defeats. May your tears of laughter greatly outnumber your tears of sadness. Love like you're leaving for the last time and give more than you receive. Frown on injustice and never miss a chance to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

And most importantly: keep looking to Mount Calvary. Grace and peace!

Christmas Presents

Peinture u Bebe Winsty

For Christmas, I received several presents that were very thoughtful . But I received only one present I am very proud of.

Jamie surprised me with a portrait of the late, great Winsty baby. Doesn't he look so solemn, so earnest, so austere, so majestic? Oh yes!