Thursday, June 25, 2009

Senator Boxer, Meet Dr. Evil

Senator Barb Boxer and Kate Gosselin are in a raging quest to see who can have the highest unfavorable rating among human beings who simultaneously posess X and Y chromosomes.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 5

With much vexation and chagrin do I report that the greatest nuisance of Clinton, MS, is now back in operation. Argghhh! Let us revisit though that brief time when its reign of terror was stopped.

Nuisance Unplugged

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 4

My tiffs with Jamie are always a popular topic with faithful Ford Retort readers. I can say that this problem has been solved. Thanks, hun, for your cooperation in this matter!

Garage Parking

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 3

Before the untimely death of Winston, it sure seemed he got me into some odd predicaments. But we sure had A LOT of fun together. I do know this...he loved it when I sang to him!

Singing with Winston

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 2

The Usual Suspects are notorious for making appearances on the Ford Retort. And it's a pretty well known fact that they only keep me around in order to record the notable quotations (I didn't even get a single vote when we cast ballots on the new party planning committee)! Even as I drown in my acute awareness of where I stand among the group, I must proclaim that ringing in the New Year in Memphis is the most quote-worthy event to date (a close runner-up would be the time an amalgam of the Usual Suspects got together). Remember these quotes?

Ringin' In the New Year

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Best of '09, So Far: Part 1

My hair journey is a regular topic of the Ford Retort. Remember this phone call?

Hair Style

Summer Slump

  • The Ford Retort is in somewhat of a Summer slump. But read on. There is a plan.
  • I'm still messing with these folks and their silly standards. Should be done soon though.
  • I pulled off a pretty tight Trace Double the other night. Jamie was a touch peeved when I successfully passed her along with the other vehicle.
  • My brother Jonathan is getting married this weekend.
  • Have you been suffering from the drought of rain...and quotes? Of course you have! Just sit back...relax...and sip them in...
-"I wish Google Maps had an 'avoid ghetto' option."
-"I think I'm just going to call her Lo."
-"You have to remember that they're still over there throwing spears at each other."
-"I'm without a doubt the smartest person I know."
-"He's a loose cannon."
-"MySpace is the Facebook for people who can't list anything under 'Education.'"
-"Dwight is way cooler than he is."
  • Jamie and I have been adjusting to life without Winston. We miss him most when we get home from work or an outing. He was always so excited to see us when we got back home! So while the house is a little quieter these days, Jamie and I have not backed away from discussing so many of the fun times we had with Winston. We loved our Winsty baby!
  • During the Summer slump, I've decided to do a Ford Retort "Best of, So Far '09" series. This week, I'll be directing you to some of my favorite posts from this year. And who knows, I might even throw in a some present-day commentary. Should be a fun and relaxing stroll down memory lane!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Guy #3

I saw this video on Neil's blog. Marketing guru extraordinaire Seth Godin had some insightful commentary about it. I just thought Guy #3 (looks like Jack Black) was really funny.

Nonetheless, Seth's comments might surprise you.

Paul just sent over this video of a dance tribe forming spontaneously at a music festival.

My favorite part happens just before the first minute mark. That's when guy #3 joins the group. Before him, it was just a crazy dancing guy and then maybe one other crazy guy. But it's guy #3 who made it a movement.

Initiators are rare indeed, but it's scary to be the leader. Guy #3 is rare too, but it's a lot less scary and just as important. Guy #49 is irrelevant. No bravery points for being part of the mob.

We need more Guy #3's.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Homeowners' Association

Let me air a minor squabble of mine.

Living in a neighborhood most likely entails membership/indentured servitude in a homeowners' association (HOA). In theory, these associations are rather innocuous entities. They collect yearly dues to perform duties such as making sure the grass and flower beds at the entrances of the subdivision are cut and maintained, managing pools and playgrounds, and facilitating community-building functions. My neighborhood does have covenants, and while it appears they're selectively enforced, I can't personally report any of the horror stories that I've heard of overbearing HOA's.

On the whole, I'm content with my neighborhood association. They've made no gross intrusion into my life, nor, to my knowledge, have they made any egregiously ignorant decisions. So I'm going to have to assume the members of my HOA became a little bored at the last meeting. You see, they sent out a letter that requesting that residents not blow their grass clippings on the street. Really? And here's why that requests strikes me as particularly asinine. A letter I received before the aforementioned one communicated that the association is lacking over $20,000 of homeowners dues (I estimate that our HOA has a yearly budget of approximately $40,000). Residents are basically choosing to not pay them.

C'mon, guys. Humor me. When you get, oh let's say...99% of those funds, then ask me to stop blowing grass clippings in the street.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Since Jesus Passed By

Below are the lyrics to a great old gospel song, "Since Jesus Passed By."

Like a blind man I wandered
So lost and undone
A beggar so helpless
Without God or His Son
Then my Savior in mercy
Heard and answered my cry
And oh what a difference
Since Jesus passed by

Since Jesus passed by
Since Jesus passed by
Oh what a difference
Since Jesus passed by
Well I can't explain it
And I cannot tell you why
But oh what a difference
Since Jesus passed by

All my yesterdays are burried
In the deepest of the sea
The old load of guilt I carried
Is all gone, praise God I'm free
Looking for that bright tomorrow
Where no tears will dim the eye
And oh what a difference
Since Jesus passed by

Since Jesus passed by
Since Jesus passed by
Oh what a difference
Since Jesus passed by
Well I can't explain it
And I cannot tell you why
But oh what a difference
Oh what a difference
Oh what a difference
Since Jesus passed by

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Winston E. Ford, RIP

Jamie and I are deeply saddened to announce the untimely death of our beloved English bulldog, Winston E. Ford.

Yesterday afternoon, Winston was acting extremely out of character. He was anxious, panting, and slobbering badly. But at no point did he show any traditional signs of sickness. We had several probable explanations for his behavior, so we didn't become concerned. During the evening, we also consulted with our vet, and he felt like there was no need to be concerned as well. 

Around 10 pm, Winston became very agitated and begin convulsing. We immediately loaded him up and took him to the Emergency Animal Clinic off High Street in Jackson. As we were driving, Winston began seizing. For all practical purposes, Winston died during our 20 minute drive to the clinic. Jamie and I believe we heard him take his last breath probably one to two minutes before we entered the clinic doors.

When we arrived at the Emergency Animal Clinic, the vet was able to revive Winston and briefly stabilize him. Jamie and I spoke with the vet after this, and he made us aware that Winston had classic symptoms of brain damage. Before we could finish our conversation with the vet, he had to leave us as Winston had entered in to cardiac arrest. Jamie and I felt very strongly that the most responsible and compassionate decision that we could make for Winston was to let him go. His suffering needed to end. 

Before we left the clinic, Jamie and I were allowed to spend a few moments with Winston's body. Although it was gut-wrenching to see our once vibrate Winsty lifeless, we felt at peace with the decision we had made. In the presence of his body, Jamie and I verbalized to our Winsty how much we loved him and reminded him of the insatiable joy he gave us. We communicated that we did our best to take care of him and of our great relief that he was no longer in pain. Ultimately, we felt extreme gratification to know without any doubt that Winston knew we loved him so much!

Jamie and I are deeply saddened by Wiston's premature death. We were planning on throwing a party for him for his first birthday. Winston would have been one year old on July 4. We feel a strong void in our life right now. We expected for our Winsty to be a part of our family for awhile. We wanted our children to love Winston like we loved him. We wanted to see him get older and lazier than he already was. And it probably wasn't likely, be we hoped our Winsty baby might have even become a little sweeter. He loved to be a sweetie and get love! You can't imagine what I would give to walk out of my office as I write this and find Winston playing with his toys, lying on his bed.

On the way home, Jamie and I vehemently agreed on this fact: we are extremely blessed! Even in the aftermath of an unexpected life-changing experience, we couldn't ignore the reality that the good Lord has shown His favor to us. He has blessed us individually and as a couple! And let's not loose sight of this: He gave us Winston for nine months!

Jamie and I want to thank all of the kind folks who have contacted us to express their condolences. We appreciate the kindness and sympathy you have shown us. Jamie and I would also like to thank the staff of the Emergency Animal Clinic for their compassionate care and valiant attempts to save Winston. They gave us much dignity in a difficult process. 

As I've mentioned, Jamie and I have decided we will honor Winston's life by doing our best to do what our Winsty baby did best: giving joy to others! Faithful Ford Retort readers, I encourage you to do the same. So I feel it is very appropriate to leave you with this: has anybody seen a Winsty baby?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Good Morning

Good morning, faithful Ford Retort readers.

These folks are keeping me from my normal writing habits, but I hope my preoccupation with there silly standards will end soon!

Until then, sayonara!