Monday, May 25, 2009

It Is Finished

I'm sure faithful Ford Retort readers are tired of my moaning and groaning about the inconveniences of our master bathroom renovation, so it's a good thing this blog is about what interests me, and not you. Nonetheless, here's your saving grace: it is finished! Jamie and I moved everything back in our bedroom and bathroom this weekend, but it was not without moaning and groaning. So here it goes (hey...stop your'll get a couple of quotes out of the deal).

Friday night, Jamie and I had a delightful dinner before we got to work. Once again, I'm giving heavy consideration to quitting my job and working to get Jamie on stage to do her impressions. I think I could help her develop a couple of monologues, make a couple of DVD's, and we would retire very wealthy people. But until then, we had to put our bathroom and bedroom back together. Winston even got in on the action. We found him with a lot of our belongings in his mouth. Unfortunately though, he wasn't putting them back in their proper places.

And I knew it was going to happen. I expected it to happen considerably sooner than it did, but it sure enough did. Of what do I speak? After about 45 minutes of work, I had my "I've had enough-you pissed me off-you'll find me in my office if you need me" moment with Jamie. That's right...we do have intense moments of fellowship from time to time...and I was expecting this one to happen about 40 minutes sooner than it did. The fact of the matter is that Jamie and I don't work well together. We have two completely different...oh what's the terminology...project management styles. We did eventually kiss and make up, and completed Part A of our project.

Saturday night, Part B took place. Jamie re-hung various and assorted pictures and mirrors on the bathroom wall. Now here's a piece of friendly advice: if you want to know how strong your marriage is, go either move furniture together or hang pictures together. Be forewarned - superficial adoration you feel towards your spouse will pass away and you will find yourself emotionally stripped naked...naked in raw emotion before your spouse. It can be a painful and scary thing.

After several testy moments, I told Jamie that she was done for the night, and I would be hanging the mirrors. There was spitting and stomping and colorful hissy fits, but I was not going to rest until those mirrors were hung symmetrically and correctly. So I started over. I dismantled Jamie's work, and she became my assistant and I the master carpenter. After measurements, double-checking, and thought, I hung two mirrors the way they were intended to be hung...symmetrically and correctly.

So here's what you've really been waiting for: if you were with Jamie, Winston, and me Saturday night, you might have heard these things said:
  • "If I had a nickel for every time Winston snotted in my face, I would be a rich man."
  • "Measure twice, cut once."
  • "It looks crooked."
  • "Stop double-checking my work!"
  • "Math rules, impetuousness drools."
  • "Feel free to call me "Tim 'The Toolman' Tailor."
  • "Toolman, get your ass over here pick up your stuff."
  • "The level does not lie."
  • "Give me another nickel."
  • "You can go ahead and pat me on the back."
I guess there's a lesson to be learned here: women should leave the real work to the men if you and your spouse work together, you can accomplish anything.


Jamie Ford said...

I think it should be mentioned that while you hung TWO 24"x24" mirrors, I dusted every inch of furniture in the bedroom, cleaned the entire bathroom (except for the tub where you had all your tools and crap) and had everything put exactly in its place. I'm so glad my mirrors are hung straight, but I'm also glad I didn't have to spend another weekend moving our stuff back in the bedroom.

Rusty said...

There would be much less gnashing of teeth if you would learn two simple words..."yes dear." Afterwords, if the pictures are not hung to your liking, simply wait until your lovely wife takes another trip with "the girls" and re-do the job to your liking. I have found that "yes dear" makes life much easier and remember, I am on my third (and final) marriage so I have learned those two valuable words the hard way;)

Amy said...

Pictures, people!!! I want pictures.

And, I want to know if Jamie does an impression of me saying that.