Saturday, February 28, 2009

Catching Up

Well howdy! Let's catch up on a few items of note.

1) The other day, I again drove through a certain intersection that now has an incapacitated traffic signal (you may remember this post). On the eastbound and westbound lanes of the intersection, a sign has been posted alerting drivers of the non-functional traffic signal. More perniciously, the sign suggests said traffic signal is under repair, leaving open the possibility of it's return. Hmmm. I can only surmise that some municipal authority is ignorant of the confection of misery, uncertainty, and pandemonium that formerly stewed under this nuisance.

In these trying days, citizens have no choice but to be suspicious and skeptical of the motives of government officials. Bureaucrats have wised up! They no longer directly come after our guns, but they regulate our ammunition. They pay for our houses under the guise of saving us from insidious bankers, yet they ultimately seek the ability to control what we do in our houses. "You're killing the environment," they tell us, "so decrease your carbon footprint." But they know that oil is the engine of freedom.

Infringements on liberty are often disguised as seemingly innocuous regulations. Beware! Will the citizens stand for this traffic signal to recommence its reign of terror? Will we allow the municipal authorities the obstruct the free-flow of commerce and freedom? Take a stand!

2)I need to mention this. Yesterday night, Jamie, half of the usual suspects, and I ate at this place. While the wait was prolonged, the fellowship (and therefore quotes) were good! So if you were with Jamie, half of the usual suspects, and me, you might have heard these things said:
  • "Ma'am, does your husband happen to have super sperm?"
  • "And the two of you could learn something from him."
  • "I might be down, but I'm not out"
  • "There's Bianca again."
  • "I'm keeping this thing so we can know how long we were going to have to wait."
  • "I read blog after blog after blog, and I don't even know these people."
  • "I might have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was my name."
  • "He's going to have to school me in the ways of the casino."
  • "Amanda and I are the laid back ones, and you two are the aggressive ones, so one of you two have to go do it."
  • "Water...water...water...Coke."
  • "You need to be the bigger person."
  • "It's not about what you get out of it. It's about worshiping Jesus."
  • "Well I don't have a choice because you would get Winston."
3)Friday, I ate lunch with this guy. Have you ever had the feeling you were eating lunch with the smartest guy in the room? I'm sure he did, but I know I did. Although he doesn't know it, I've become a little hooked on Google Ocean because of this blog post. Who knew that virtual exploration of the Mariana Trench could be so much fun?

4) How many times have you caught yourself thinking, "I wonder what Winsty baby is doing?" I know I'm not the only one! So to satiate your desire and mine, I am in the preliminary stages of research concerning a potential new piece of the Ford Retort. Cue the's the Winston Web Cam! That's right, Winston's every move would be available via the world wide web! In real time! And in color!

Jamie told me I'm crazy...and that she would be very upset if I spent more than $25 doing this. Other potential conflicts may include Winston's contract negotiations. While he's open to the idea of his every move being broadcast, I must say he is a pecuniary little fellow and knows how to make a buck. Potential conflicts aside, I'm hoping to make this happen.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Monday, February 23, 2009

It's Been Fun, Conan

"We're going on to this next gig, and sometimes I read that it's time for Conan to grow up because he's going on to 11:30. And I assure you: that's just not going to happen."
-Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien is ending his stint on Late Night, and while Late Night is enduring a great loss, the Tonight Show is reaping bountiful benefits from his departure. Conan's last appearance on Late Night was last Friday. Thankfully, I'll still be able to get my fix of Conan's zany and eccentric humor...just a little earlier in the evening.

As for Mr. Leno's new show....hmmm.

Check out these top ten Conan moments, according to Time.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Friday, February 20, 2009


Normally when I start to type out another edition of quotes, I begin, "If you were with Jamie, me, and some friends..." This may very well be the first edition of quotes was just Jamie and me. We happened to be at this place in Madison.
  • "Can I get you a refill?"
  • "Ma'am, are you in line?"
  • "Tell me about your big nasty."
  • "A pregnant woman probably ought not eat this."
  • "How did you miss those two cups?"
  • "I really don't mind doing it, but she needs to know she gives me too much work."
  • "What do you think about Ezra?"
  • "I pinched my ball, but I didn't want to tell you."
  • "I want the grilled, latte decaf horseradish panini without cheese."
  • "What did the Winsty baby do today?"
  • "This is what drives me crazy: you never tell me these things."
  • "You're blowin' my mind, Leroy!"
  • "Uh boogy boogy boo."

Thursday, February 19, 2009


"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good
of its victims may be the most oppressive."
-C.S. Lewis

Are you ready for a revolution?

The Patriot Post

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Nuisance Unplugged

Yesterday, I made a delightful discovery. This discovery inspired me to compose a brief aria:

Not far from the house of my parents,
Stands an intersection, an intersection of terror.

This intersection in the fair city of Clinton

Has been the subject of a whole lot of my bitchin'.

Two roads do cross at this place,

This location of municipal disgrace.

The first road is called the Drive of Northside.

Its counterpart, Tanglewood, completes the ride.

Prominently crowning this vehicle hub

Is a traffic light, if you direct your gaze above.
Efficiently routing vehicles is this apparatus's claim to fame,

But you only believe this if naivete is your game.

Day after day, night after night,
This traffic signal actually inhibits
traffic flight.
If you observe it: I think it may have a mind of its own,
For it interrupts the vehicles that to its space come.

So you can imagine my joy upon discovering the attrition,

Yes! I found out this light is now out of commission.

Who should I sing and praise and laud?

Who shall be the recipient of my applause?

May there be joy and dancing in the streets,
For the time has come for the destruction of this traffic beast!
Blessed are those in this corridor who now drive freely,
Blessed are the pure in heart who can now drive meekly.

Traffic lights are supposed to expedite traffic flow for all parties who use them. This damnable light did no such thing for 95% of the day. Word on the street (pun intended) is that this light has been permanently decommissioned. Good riddance!

And to whoever did it: why did it take so long?

p.s. There is a certain faithful Ford Retort reader out there who will feel very compelled to say a lot about this post. Knowing him well, I would encourage him to exercise temperance and restraint, so I don't have to flex my "moderator muscle" regarding any comment he may choose to leave.

Bad Day

I've never missed a flight before, but could it really be this bad?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Differing Opinions

Faithful Ford Retort readers far and wide tell me that their favorite Ford Retort stories are always the ones that involve a marital disagreement between Jamie and me. To satisfy the voracious appetites of the masses, here are several recent vignettes.
  • Since we've had Winston, Jamie has inadvertently trained him to only obey us when we feed him. If we need him to go to his house, he expects a peperoni before he begins his merry journey to his home. Initially, I was a bit irritated with my lovely bride when I first observed this, but before I threw too many stones, I recently caught myself doing something. I was negotiating with Winston. Seriously, I was trying to bargain with him....out loud! "Winston, if you go straight to your house, I'll give you a peperoni...." Oops.
  • Jamie and I also have disagreements concerning the appropriate level of aqua in Winston's water bowl. You see, Winston has a water bowl that attaches to the door of his house. I insist that the bowl shouldn't be filled to the brim with water. Jamie feels it should be. So every time I open the door to let Winston out, water spills everywhere! In fact, any time Winston breathes, water spills everywhere! Now that I think about it, infinitesimal molecular vibrations of stationary, dense solids down the street MAKE THE WATER SPILL EVERYWHERE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
  • One night last week, Jamie and I had a small squable concerning Looney Tunes character Pepe Le Pew. I passively mentioned aloud that Pepe is French, but Jamie vehemently disagreed. She didn't say he isn't French, yet insisted that there was no way I could possibly be sure of his lineage. I explained to her that the etymology of Pepe's name clearly suggest French ancestry. She impugned my reasoning as regressive and racially insensitive. After I showed her a clip of him on YouTube, she conceded that Pepe's accent and horrid body order does suggest he is indeed French.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Last night, Jamie, myself, and half of the usual suspects spontaneously showed up at the Dixie National Rodeo, held at this place. And beforehand, we grabbed a bite to eat at this place. While the rodeo is not exactly my cup of tea, I will say that any sport that opens its events with a prayer and takes time to honor America is alright in my book (small diversion: I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said that the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants, for that is its natural manure. At the rodeo, I think my fellow rodeo-goers understood this).

Being at the rodeo was a lot of fun, and as usual, I collected a few quotes along the way to capture the spirit of the evening. To spice things up a little bit, I'm declaring this set of quotes to be "Jeopardy! style," i.e. all quotes must be in the form of a question. So if you were with Jamie, me, and half of the usual suspects, you might have heard these things said (in the form of a question):
  • "What's that smell? Did somebody step in something?"
  • "Did she just cut in front of me?"
  • "How many of these folks you reckon voted for Obama?"
  • "Did you see the belt buckle on that fellow?"
  • "Was that a cannon or sonic boom?"
  • "John, you want to go down to the stage?"
  • "What's Pawpaw doing?"
  • "Did you see me rob this bank?"
  • "Is that Tooter Silver I see down yonder?"
  • "Wonder how often they see a chiropractor?"
  • "What is she wearing?"
  • "I wonder if he's wearing a cup?"

Monday, February 9, 2009

Singing with Winston

If you were to randomly enter my humble abode on any given evening, the probability of finding Winston and me relaxing in my recliner would be fairly good. Winston's behavior continues to become more predictable, allowing Jamie and me to spend more time with him, so we allow him to sit out with us most evenings.

I've developed a habit. Maybe a good habit...maybe a bad habit...I'll let you decide. Particularly on the nights Jamie is working, I sing to Winston. He's just so cute! Although he's yet to tell me, I really believe he likes it. You see, when I sing, he lovingly gazes at's a rather queer look really...but I get the impression he enjoys the unorthodox attention.

One night last week, I was singing "Disturbia" to Winston (Other classics I sing include "Hit Me Winston One More Time," as well as "I Kissed a Winsty Baby and I Liked It." And let's not forget those great spirituals, "Great Is Thy Winsty Baby," and "A Might Fortress Is Our Winston"). You may notice that the word "disturbia" has the same number of syllables as "Winsty baby," allowing for seamless substitution of the word and name. Although I'm no connoisseur of Pop music, I couldn't help but really belt it out and do a little jive because I was watching the music video on televsion. And I had the volume cranked up! But even over my voice, I did hear the door bell ring.

I immediately stopped singing, dumped Winston out of my lap, and turned the television down. I scurried to answer the door and found a young girl who was selling tickets for a fundraiser. As she told me about the pancake breakfast at Applebees, I couldn't help but gather from her quivering facial expressions that she might have observed more of my song and dance than I would have preferred. The little girl's face still displayed a dash of sordid bewilderment as I gave the "thanks-for stopping-by-but-I'm-not-interested-speech."

This seems to happen to me a lot. That's all I really have left to say.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

At the Cross

Most faithful Ford Retort readers know that I'm a resplendent hymnophile. This afternoon, I came across an exquisite arrangement (not the organ, honky tonk version you normally hear in Southern Baptist churches) to a great old hymn: "At the Cross." And because because the lyrics are majestically dynamic as well, you will find them below:

  1. Alas! and did my Savior bleed
    And did my Sov’reign die?
    Would He devote that sacred head
    For sinners such as I?

    At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,
    And the burden of my heart rolled away,
    It was there by faith I received my sight,
    And now I am happy all the day!

    Thy body slain, sweet Jesus, Thine—
    And bathed in its own blood—
    While the firm mark of wrath divine,
    His soul in anguish stood.

    Was it for crimes that I had done
    He groaned upon the tree?
    Amazing pity! grace unknown!
    And love beyond degree!

    Well might the sun in darkness hide
    And shut his glories in,
    When Christ, the mighty Maker died,
    For man the creature’s sin.

    Thus might I hide my blushing face
    While His dear cross appears,
    Dissolve my heart in thankfulness,
    And melt my eyes to tears.

    But drops of grief can ne’er repay
    The debt of love I owe:
    Here, Lord, I give myself away,
    ’Tis all that I can do.

Saturday Night Fever

Yesterday evening, I grabbed a bite to eat at Keifer's with a couple of friends, who I met at this place what seems to be many years ago. So if you happened to be in our general vicinity last night, you might have heard these things said:
  • "Mom, my hands are cold."
  • "Do you need a permit for that?"
  • "You told him you liked his poems."
  • "Mister we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again."
  • "You can always take back being nice; you can't take back being mean."
  • "When you talked to him, it was always very easy to control the conversation."
  • "I want to tell you how the Lord blessed me today."
  • "Take it from us: there are just some things they don't show you in the movies."
  • "Drew, we don't say retarded..."
  • "Be sweet, Winsty."
  • "You picked the ugliest goat on the island."
  • "Can you get the flu in your eye?"
  • "I got a call from Jacqueline the other day."
  • "He donated $50, and all he got was a big Ron Paul banner."
  • "What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what would you do?"

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Misspelled Name

It's not that I'm above having my name misspelled, but when I received this document at my office, I did have to laugh. Apparently, my German accent got a little thick when I placed the order.

Eh Eh Eh

Substantive Relationships

Faithful Ford Retort readers have accosted me many times, testifying of their utter delight with the "Natchez Trace Triple." I've spent more time talking about it than I care to admit. I'm even contemplating starting a club or something to that effect. So I thought I would tell you about one more habit I've formed while riding the Trace.

I sense an almost familial bond with the folks that ride with me day after day after day on that federal highway of record. Late last year, I started make an attempt to connect with fellow travelers. One day, I arbitrarily picked a gentleman who drives a blue Ford F-250 with a beef license plate on the front of his truck. We seemed to routinely pass each other at about the same time and place. So I started waving at him. And after a couple of days, he started waving back. We are now pretty good friends, I think...connected by a kind wave of the wrist and hand.

Do I know this guy or even know his identity. No, but that seems so irrelevant. He could be a faithful Ford Retort reader. Sir, friend, comrade connected to me by the trail of Native Americans, if you are a faithful Ford Retort reader, please simply turn the beef license plate on the front of your truck upside down. This is a sure-fire way to confirm your Ford Retort status.

Jon & Kate and the Duggars

It may be a crazy life, but it's our life.
- Jon and Kate

Jamie is at the hospital nursing babies tonight, so this afternoon, she set the DVR in our living room to record a couple of television shows she enjoys watching. Anytime Jamie is at work, I'm a regular ol' productive Pat around the house, and tonight is no exception. I know I have ironed enough shirts and pants to supply a medium-sized department store.

As I was ironing away in front of the television, the channel flipped to Jon & Kate Plus 8, meeting Jamie's DVR parameters. Seriously, I didn't choose to watch this; it just happened. And it was so much easier than moving all of my ironing to the bedroom (I know, I know...I do protest too much, methinks). As I took in the latest "reality" episode of Jon and Kate and their eight kiddos, I was overwhelmed by the...well...chaos. It was just a little too much for me to handle. Kids acting out...making demands...throwing hissy fits. I know that's what children are supposed to do, but as I blocked out the on-screen pandemonium, my mind drifted to a happy place...

Seriously now, who doesn't love the Duggars? Jim Bob and Michelle and their eighteen children are paragons of decorum, hard work, and organization. Observing their ability to navigate this hectic world and maintain a placid spirit brings me nothing but comfort and orgasmic relaxation. When watching the Duggars, I sense parents who are in control. I sense children who know their role in life. I don't necessarily sense well-adjusted kids who have a modicum of contact with reality, but hey, they all wear matching polo shirts which gives them points in my book.

I will say this for Jon and Kate: their undoubtedly great folks. I also must claim one of their quotes as my own. Maybe I can't say it with eight kid bona fides, but: my life may be a crazy life, but it is my life. A tip of the fedora to the Duggars and John and Kate!

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Super Bowl

Yesterday evening, some friends came up to the house to watch the Super Bowl (if you're pondering their identities, I'll just say it was the usual suspects). While the commercials left a lot to be desired (the above video was my favorite), the game (which some folks still believe to be the focus of Super Bowl Sunday) truly was a nail biter. Congratulations to the Steelers.

So, if you were with Jamie, some friends, and me yesterday evening as we watched the Super Bowl, you just might have heard these things said:
  • "I didn't tell her about that text message."
  • "If you get asked to sing at the Presidential Inauguration, you probably go."
  • "It's very flexible."
  • "I have a cousin that trains dogs."
  • "You remember that time you thought you were pregnant?"
  • "I'm not gay or anything, but I like your hair long."
  • "Tell them why it bounces."
  • "You are beautiful."
  • "So about how long is 100 yards?"
  • "I hope that's what she didn't say."
  • "Y'all want some friend chicken..."
  • "I'm sorry. I didn't purposefully try to hit you in the face with that slobbery bottle."