Monday, January 26, 2009

In the Heat of the Night Monday: Part 4

Whoa! This is a great clip to end In the Heat of the Night Monday. All I can say is...buckle your seat belt!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Well Hello There

I guess I unintentionally took a couple of days off from the Ford Retort. Didn't really mean to do that. So here is what's going on:
  • Jamie sent me the above picture from her iPhone. I told her not to get that bed for Winston, but...surprise, surprise...she didn't listen to me. I mean, if I had ripped my bed to shreds three times already, I imagine Jamie would make me sleep on a towel. But our Winston is too good for that.
  • Tonight should be fun. My six year old cousin Caleb is having his birthday party at the skating rink. I will not be skating. Afterward we're going to grab some food with an old and new friend. I might even get a hug (wink, wink).
  • If it's one thing I can't stand, it's a law abiding citizen on the Natchez Trace. People...go! Since I spend a considerable amount of time traveling the Trace between Ridgeland and Clinton, I know very well that it's rather difficult to pass someone during morning and afternoon rush hour. Before yesterday, I had only managed to simultaneously pass two cars (the Trace Double), but on my morning commute yesterday, I pulled off for the first time ever the Trace Triple! You just can't imagine what a grand feeling it was. Seriously, I simultaneously told three different vehicles to get over yourselves and the law and put the pedal to the metal. Those cows ain't nothin' to slow down and stare at! I'm thinking about going for the Trace Grand Slam if the opportunity presented itself, but I'm afraid that I would receive that honor poshthumously (different wink, wink) after a cattle-filled crash.
  • You may remember that I blogged last weekend for my church's Disciple Now. A responsibility that I spontaneously assumed was being the referee for the giant inflatable boxing ring during recreation time. Whoa! I was sore and whipped when I woke up on Sunday. A couple of those kids (and very responsible adults) went after each other in the ring. Luckily no one's body (maybe someone's pride) was seriously injured.
  • In case you're wondering, I haven't just been sitting around the house at night slacking off. I've had a lot of television shows to catch up with on Hulu, and I've been trying to do some reading. I plan on finishing up this book by the end of the week. I may write about it later.
  • It just hit me. I've got to tell my Eudora Welty story!

Monday, January 19, 2009

In the Heat of the Night Monday: Part 3

Maybe this ain't a good one.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Guest Blogger

This weekend, I'll be blogging at So go check it out!

I've Been Tagged

Well, Amy tagged me. Here's the deal:

When you get tagged (I'm not sure if this is a blogospehere phenomena or not), you have to grab your computer, click over to your pictures, and choose the sixth picture in the sixth folder. Hmmm. Well this is a fun little game for normal people, but what you've got to understand about me (don't say that I'm not normal) is that I don't take (or keep) many pictures. Actually, Jamie of course takes all the pictures in our household and keeps them on her laptop.

Oddly enough, the only pictures that I really have on my computer are of Amy's children: Caleb, Collin, and Claire. And it just so happens that the sixth folder contains pictures of the last time they spent the night with Jamie and me at the house. The sixth picture was actually the one of Caleb and Collin, but I just couldn't stand to not include Claire.

So voila!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My Birthday

Some of the faithful Ford Retort readers know that yesterday was my birthday. As of 2:10 pm on January 12, 2009 (my Mom always has to remind me what time I was born), I could claim the title of a distinguished 24 year old gentleman (some of that may be debatable).

I received some very nice gifts and cards. My favorite present came from Winston; he gave me a very stylish pair of dress slacks. But my favorite card came from a family member (who shall remain anonymous). The front of the card is pictured above. I'm assuming that's Jesus?

The text of the card didn't say much or allude to anything about the picture on the front of the card. So I was somewhat lost. Here are my posits on the message of the card:
  • You remind me of Jesus.
  • You need Jesus.
  • You need to act like Jesus.
  • Jesus loves me, this I know.
  • I thank Jesus for you.
  • May Jesus have mercy on your soul.
At any rate (wink, wink), I am thankful I've lived to see another year! Depending on current age theory, modern medicine, and your personal eschatology, I've most likely lived 25% to 33% of my life. Boy, do I have some work to do!

Monday, January 12, 2009

In the Heat of the Night Monday: Part 2

Better late than never!

Alright, here's the first clip for In the Heat of the Night Monday. It's actually a television commerical promo, but I think it serves the purpose. Enjoy!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Friday Round Up

You know from yesterday's post that yesterday evening, Jamie and I grabbed a bite to eat at the Mellow Mushroom with some friends. From our conversation, we managed to squeeze out a few quotes (there's one or two from this morning as well):
  • "Well, I guess I need to wear my ass-kickin' boots on Monday."
  • "No, you didn't see this on the Discovery Channel."
  • "So you're tellin' me that..."
  • "Did you get that email on presidential limousines."
  • "Might need to pull out your TB respirators."
  • "You know how some businesses frame their first dollar they ever make?"
  • "I'd say they're in love."
  • "Somebody told me I need to fall backwards off a roof."
  • "That would probably be grounds to call the police if they saw you looking at a picture of them on your phone."
  • "Tell your Eudora Welty story."
Speaking of that last quote: last night, I got to tell my Eudora Welty story. My friend wanted me to tell it, but it had been such a long time since I had even thought about it. So you'll know, I plan on trying to type it up for a future post next week. Faithful Ford Retort readers, stick around for that one!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Eatin' Tonight

Tonight, Jamie and I are going to this place to grab a bite to eat with some friends. I'm pretty sure I've never been to this restaurant before, but I checked out the menu, and I would say that it looks promising.

Penance for My Sin

Well, Jamie wasn't very happy when she saw the picture from yesterday's post. I huffed and puffed and groveled and begged for forgiveness, but she still gave me dirty looks. Thankfully, she went and ate dinner with a friend last night. And I had fallen asleep by the time she got back home. That ensured domestic turmoil was kept to a minimum.

As atonement for my trespasses, I decided to put a funny/embarrassing picture of myself on the Ford Retort. The two above pictures were the best I could do. Let me explain. The first picture is of me laying on the floor with Winston. One night this last weekend when Winston's skin was rather inflamed from his infection, he was whining badly. I decided I would comfort him by laying next to him and talking with him. But I fell asleep after about twenty minutes; Jamie snapped a picture.

The second picture is from my family Christmas gathering. Thinking back, I'm not really sure where those glasses came from, but I do know that my little cousin Caleb insisted I wear them. I put them on, and of course, Jamie snapped a picture.

Faithful Ford Retort readers, I hope you have enjoyed my penance for my sin.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Afraid So

Winston is not a fan of rain...or really any type of precipitation in general. Every time it rains outside, generally Jamie or I have to go outside with him to coax him to go to the bathroom. Yesterday morning after he ate his breakfast, Jamie went out with Winston to encourage a bowel movement. If you inspect the picture closely, you'll see Jamie is wearing a lovely pair of my hunter green work/mud stompin' boots. Also, she is modeling a lovely Gap hoodie with a ridiculously expensive pair of silk, pink pajama bottoms.

In case you are wondering, Jamie does have strep throat. And in case your are wondering, it was wet and cold outside when this picture was taken. And in case you are wondering, Jamie's healthy husband was the individual inside the warm edifice, behind the camera. And in case you are really wondering, I definitely will get an angry phone call from Jamie when she sees this post.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Think You've Had a Bad Day?

Well, this is unfortunate.

Alright, here are the childish, tasteless jokes that came to mind:

*That's a tough way to get caught with your pants down.
*I bet he's freezing his ass off.
*That brings a new meaning to exposure to the elements.
*That dude knows how to whip it around on the slopes.
*Well that really chaps my ass!
*I know you're not excited to see me, but is it that cold?

In the Heat of the Night Monday: Part 1

Alright, for those of you who are familiar with Late Night with Conan O'Brien, you'll know of Conan's very famous Walker Texas Ranger Lever. Basically, Conan pulls the lever and a classic clip from Walker Texas Ranger occurs. Here is an example. Well...

The Ford Retort is instituting In the Heat of the Night Monday for every Monday in January. Each Monday in January, I'll post a clip from this great show (a show with a lot of bad story lines and even worse acting). Here is the Wikipedia entry on the show for those of you who are not familiar with it.

Carroll O'Connor of Archie Bunker fame starred in and produced the show. Basically, the In the Heat of the Night is a snail's paced police drama in the fictional town of Sparta, Mississippi. The plots of the show are fairly recycled and unimaginative and the characters are mostly over the top redneck, stereotypes. From time to time, you can still catch it on TV.

Tune in every Monday in January. It should be fun.

Monday, January 5, 2009

A Quick Update: Ammendment

  • She could no longer stand it. She just had to get an iPhone. Jamie is now the proud new owner of an Apple gadget. For the first time in the history of our relationship, I've actually told her to "put that thing up" (it's usually the other way around).
  • Last night, we got a good lead on Winston's skin issues. Wendy, who owns Winston's mother, Georgia, called Jamie to let us know that Georgia has food allergies (Wendy follows what's going on with Winston through the Ford Retort). Georgia's allergies cause her to have skin issues as well. Jamie and I are going to give Winston a new dog food and see if it helps.
  • Well, I actually have two sick puppies (cue muffled chuckles). The doctor confirmed for us this morning that some streptococcus bacteria has decided to have a little get together in the back of Jamie's throat. Ahhh!!!

Ringin' In the New Year

And there's a hand my trusty friend!
And give us a hand o' thine!
And we'll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.
-Auld Lang Syne

This year, Jamie, some friends, and I rang in 2009 at the Peabody in Memphis. We had so much fun being there last year that we decided to do it again this year! Let me just say, it's been a long time since I've had as much fun as I did and had my clothes on. And I assure you, everybody did have their clothes on.

So if you were with me, Jamie, and some friends at the Peabody in Memphis on New Year's Eve (say it with me), you might have heard these things said:
  • "Looks like y'all have Obama supporters next door."
  • "Michael, now when we are we going to go to Cuba?"
  • "I'll be here first thing in the morning with a Chlorox pen."
  • "All the single ladies..."
  • "Oh, I'm on red." (said many times in many different contexts)
  • "I wonder if you can just get the salad bar?"
  • "Look at Big Daddy go!"
  • "He goes from booty dancing to line dancing."
  • "My lips are chapped, and I can't breathe."
  • "Well, if it came to that, I assure you that Thad and I would just freeze to death with our honor and intregrity intact."
  • "If you liked it then you shoulda' put a ring on it."
  • "Ok, three glasses and a bottle."
  • "There's an invisible wall."
  • "I ain't got no business being here on this dance floor."
  • "C'mon Pawpaw."
  • "John, I can't believe you brought a decoy bag."
  • "Michael, don't do that. It will burn."
  • "Our group needs a name."
  • "Any reason you're dressed like a bouncer?"
  • "When y'all were whispering and giggling early this morning, I was up thinking of quotes."
  • "If anybody describes anything I did last night, I prefer that the word 'allegedly' be used in front of your description."
  • "There's no reason we can't go ahead and knock out three states."
  • "Michael, make her get you your grilled cheese."
  • "I still don't know how I feel about men being in Victoria's Secret."
  • "Yes, sweetheart, the life of the party did just roll up in a Buick."
  • "John is sitting by you to monitor what you eat."
  • "Why is the garage door up?"
Note: these are just the quotes that could be repeated in polite company.

To my "Peabody friends" (I will not be using that ridiculous group name)...all my love!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A Quick Update

I wanted to give you a quick update on what's happening around the Ford household:

  • During the holidays, Jamie and I managed to make it around to all the households to see everyone. All in all, we had five formal Christmas gatherings. But for Christmas morning, we were home...just Jamie, Winston, and me. Won't say it was half bad.
  • Jamie has had a week off from work. So we've been trying to straighten up around the house. It is a never ending fight to keep this house tidy and clean! Today, Jamie is cooking eight meatloafs and two porkloins (she's been so anxious to use her new FoodSaver Vacuum Sealer). 
  • Winston has a skin infection. In reality, Winston always has a skin infection. Skin infections are just part of being a bulldog. When we picked Winston up from the vet on Friday (we boarded him for our trip), the vet informed us that Winston has yet another skin infection. She said that if we can't get it cleared up, she would refer us to a dermatologist. No kidding! Hopefully, twice-a-week baths, Prednisone, Triple Antibiotic, and a dilligent cleaning regimen will clear up his skin.
  • At 3 pm on New Year's Day, Jamie and I returned home from Memphis (more on that later, just as soon as Amanda sends me the pictures). As soon as we got home, we crashed. At 10 pm, we arose and were wide awake. So from 10 pm to 2 am on Friday morning, we took down all of our Christmas decorations. That's midnight, I was on a ladder outside taking down Christmas wreaths.
  • This morning, Jamie and I attended St. Mattress Baptist Church. Can't say it was half bad. So to make up for it, I was super spiritual and watched FBC Jackson, Crossgates, and First Presbyterian on television.
  • For Christmas, I received about $100 worth of these gift cards. Faithful Ford Retort readers will recall me mentioning it. Neil called me out about it rather quickly. But it's still good to know who my real friends are (wink, wink).

Happy Birthday, Ford Retort

Believe it or not, one notable news item that was not covered by the major news outlets on January 1, 2009, was the first birthday of the Ford Retort. Yeah, I was slightly taken aback myself too. So at the risk of too much self-indulgence (which has never been a problem on this blog...), HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, FORD RETORT!

I can remember sitting in my parents house last December after Christmas. I'd been contemplating beginning a blogging journey. After all, the world needs to know what I think about stuff. So I headed over to Blogger and GoDaddy and set up the digital framework for my conversation with the universe (cue ominous echoes)! At 9:40 pm on January 1 of 2008, I published my first post, which consisted of "Happy 2008, to you and yours." Simple enough. 

2008 was a great year to write about life. Changes and high points include: 1) getting hitched 2) going to the Big Apple 3) buying a house five minutes down the road from my in-laws 4) honeymooning in Jamaica  5) Jamie's graduation 6) changing jobs 7) the birth and subsequent acquisition of Winston E. Ford 8) Jamie's job acquisition/change 9) and you know, an occasional Thirsty Thursday or night out on the town with friends. 

If anything, I might be guilty of over-reflection. I do like to look back and ruminate on life. Yesterday, I went out on our back porch and laid down to rest. I thought the gentle rainfall would surely be a insurmountable sleeping pill, but rowdy Winston kept me from completely going to sleep. I got to thinking... One thing which always brings me great joy is this: a fresh start. Whether it really does or doesn't, I always feel as if the beginning of a new year brings just that. Yesterday, I thought about what I'll call my "life situation" at the start of 2008 versus the start of 2009. As you can briefly see from the paragraphy above, there's been more than a few life changes. Really, I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all.

In his autobiography, Ben Franklin said, "Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve." I've never really done resolutions at the beginning of a new year because I pretty much know I won't keep them. But this year, I'm going take Ben's words to heart: get up everyday and just do what you know needs to be done. I've heard it said, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." In the deep reaches on my mind, I have a little plan in my head. A plan for how I want my life to go. I wonder, just wonder, if everytime I review it, God is sitting in Heaven just doubled-over laughing...

Faithful Ford Retort readers, thank you so much for reading! I thoroughly enjoy being accosted by friends, families, and casual observers who say, "Hey, this or that on your blog was great!" My Dad tells me he enjoys reading the Ford Retort because he feels like he's just having a face-to-face conversation with me. Yes! And for those of you who blog as well, I enjoy stopping by to see what's happening in your life. 

One of the many reasons I write the Ford Retort is to have a medium for folks to keep up with what's going on with Jamie, Winston, and me! And maybe every now and then, you'll get a chuckle or two from a story or sly comment I write. Whatever your motives, I'm just glad to know you stop by my little corner of the world wide web to catch up. I'm looking forward to a delightful 2009. I trust you are as well!

From Jamie, Winston, and me, all our love to our family and friends! Now let's get it on (blogging, that is)!