Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Support Obama Because...

Yes, Howard Stern is doing the job the media should be doing. Check it out here.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tuesday Morning Greetings

Well, I've taken an unintentional sabbatical from the Ford Retort (for the faithful Ford Retort readers in D'Lo, all that last sentence means is I've just gotten a little busy and haven't had time to post).

But I should be back. My sleep patterns have become a little wacky, and I've been trying to catch up on some reading. But I've just got a feeling that this cold weather will redirect my focus. Also, Jamie and I have spent some quality time with Winston. We've learned a couple of things about him. Winston is very afraid of tin foil. That's right...tin foil. Jamie pulled some out in the kitchen the other night, and Winston cowered in fear and lost all bladder control. He was genuinely terrified. It was the oddest thing! Also, Winston becomes very agitated when I eat in my recliner. It doesn't bother him when I eat anywhere else, just in my recliner. Winston has also acquired several aliases from friends and family: Quinston and Winchester.

If I hear the following statements one more time before next Tuesday, I might cram peanut butter in my ears:
  • "Wave the white flag of surrender."
  • "Eight more years of the same Bush-McCain economic policies."
  • "Unrepentant terrorist Bill Ayers."
  • "Change we can believe in."
  • "All beef, no bull."
  • "And he voted to raise his own pay nine times."
  • "My friends..."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Moron Clause

If you're having trouble reading the caption, click on the graphic - that should help.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Winston and I at the Races

Yes, I'm a sinner saved by grace, and I'm well aware of this. But a sin I've yet to fall into is failing to re-energize. I savor a long, lazy nap. And for me to miss a Sunday afternoon nap is a rarity. Sunday afternoon was beautiful...maybe even perfect. So before and after my traditional Sunday afternoon nap, I spent some quality time with Winston in the backyard. He rolled around and ran around and I scratched his big, fat belly. Boy, Winston and I have had some interesting times this last week. Let me recap one.

Because Jamie works 3 or 4 nights a week, Winston and I are left in our humble abode to hold down the fort on the nights she is away. My routine with Winston on these evenings usually consists of feeding him, playing with him, attempting to train him, playing with him some more, taking him outside to excrete, and putting him to bed.

Last week, Winston showed more energy than he has ever shown before. He always wanted to play. Winston rarely trotted anywhere around our house, choosing to run and jump instead. Last Tuesday night was no exception. I couldn't get Winston to remain calm for even a few seconds. At about 10 pm, I had reached my tipping point with that dog. The only thing I knew left to do was get on my knees and beg him to calm down. But I was certain he probably would have laughed at me. Because exasperation is a powerful motivator, I firmly decided I was going to show Winston he wasn't going to get the best of me.

So here was my plan: I was going to drain Winston of his energy. Since he was following me around biting my knees, I decided to run him into the ground and show him that I had a lot more energy to burn than he did. So, I took him outside and ran from one end of my back yard to the other. One time, I made a lap around the house. The entire time, Winston just chased me. I was rather impressed with the little dude; he hung in there with me for most of the time.

After about four or five minutes, Winston had his fill of chasing me. He was ready (and so was I) to end our charade. So on the last wind sprint in the back yard is, of course, when I slipped and fell flat on my face (the grass was a little wet and I was wearing sandals). No big deal...Winston jumped on me a little bit...then I heard somebody chuckle...then I got up.

By the way, that chuckle came from my neighbor who was sitting on her back porch. I can only assume she was watching me the entire time of my exercise. What would you have done to handle that? I considered explaining what I was doing but decided that might only serve to make me look a bit goofy. And I was exasperated with Winston because he still was jumping up to bite me. Hey, exasperation is a powerful motivator, right?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Encore! Encore!

Faithful Ford Retort readers have again demanded this video, so back by popular demand...

Eh Eh Eh

Who's ready to have church?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

McCain-Palin Tradition

This made me laugh and laugh and laugh...

How To Fix America's Health Insurance Problem

I'll be posting a couple of videos this weekend. Here's the first!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Weekend

My oh my, it was a whirlwind weekend! I'm only good for one of those about once every six months. So finally, some brief thoughts.

After our one night in Bossier City, LA, we attended two weddings this weekend. Saturday night, we grabbed some grub at Bonsai with some friends and hit the bowling alley. Not long ago, Jamie and I established a standing bet whenever we bowl. After that, I've gained a new appreciation for the sport. And by the way, I saw one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever seen this weekend.

Sunday evening, Jamie and I took a journey together. The journey was simply getting our life back in order. In our combined two weeks of illness, our house (and cars) got out of control. Dirty clothes, and even worse, wrinkled clothes were everywhere. Our belongings had left their homes in our homes. So we took our vehicles to one of those self car wash bays, and spent way too much money to wash our own cars.

Jason, yes - the Jason of the renowned YDKS Movies blog - stopped by the house Sunday evening. It's always good to see him because he's just so...I don't know...down to earth! We fed him, but I would like to think he still would have come by even if we didn't feed him.

Then we went to bed. YES!

And of course, is it even now possible to have a post on the Ford Retort without quotes? So say it with me, faithful Ford Retort readers, if you were with Jamie and me this weekend, you might have heard these things said (cue wild applause):
  • "I want to be on the blog." (You made it, Amanda. I had the interns do some research, and if you check out this link, you'll find you actually were in the second post of the Ford Retort)
  • "The Ada Taylor exit."
  • "So how many pieces of meat did you eat? Three? Four?"
  • "You can look at me and tell there's always food in my refrigerator."
  • "Uh oh, somebody just soiled their Depends."
  • "Winston makes that face a lot."
  • "Deacons in moderation; Elders refrain."
  • "In fact, let's go ahead and make another appointment."
  • "I haven't even studied my Sunday School lesson yet."
  • "His girlfriend bit him on the lip."
  • "I think you have to at least pass a test and get a license to prophesy."
  • "Well from the way you're talking, I figure they'll be married by the end of the year."
  • "I'm kind of offended I haven't been invited to preach to this group."
  • "Yeah, I'm a pathetic leader."
  • "I haven't seen that kid in a while...he is just precious!"
  • "If Christ is not risen, we are a pack of fools."
  • "Maybe your pilot light burned out."
  • "Take it from someone who has eaten his words: never say never about what you're dog will and won't do."
  • "This shirt reminds me of my grandmother's arm."
  • "We made it to Bovina - let's pull out the map."
  • "You need to learn to be slow to speak."
  • "Finish the job."
  • "Winsty baby!"
  • "This kid could learn a thing or two about writing songs from Bill."
  • "He's done found religion."
  • "Give me those socks."
  • "Get off the chlamydia sheets."
  • "Are all truckers retarded or just the ones with CB radios?"
  • "This vehicle is leaving at 10:30 am, and who is or isn't in it is completely irrelevant."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Divine Indeed!

I'm a bit snobby when it comes to Christmas music, and "O Holy Night" is in my top three favorite Christmas songs. So when I ran across the above video, I thought I would bless you with it.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Genuine Thank You Note

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I haven't wrapped up writing my thank you notes from the wedding, but I haven't. Did you just hear the deep moans and groans of mothers from sea to shining sea? Rest assured, I'm working on them; they will be completed soon. Some thoughts on thank you notes:
  • Thank you notes are definitely an old school deal. I was talking with a friend, and we both agreed this is becoming a requirement of bygone days.
  • If I give you a gift, I didn't do it to add an obligation (a note of appreciation) to your to-do list. Don't bother.
  • I do think it's certainly a thoughtful gesture to write a thank you note to someone. Believe it or not, I do actually write thank you notes from time to thank folks who have helped me out.
  • The folks to whom I write thank you notes by choice are older folks.
Back to the wedding thank you notes: brides and grooms despise writing these things. They do it because their mothers make them. Bottom line. So with that in mind, I'm going to write the thank you note that every bride and groom burns to write, but never would (I only do this because you, the faithful Ford Retort reader, expect me to say the things that everybody thinks, but won't say).

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you so much for the bland and useless bowl that you gave us. You absolutely should not have wasted your time by purchasing this bowl, which is not on our registry. Were you aware that the bowl was not on our registry? Really, are you satisfied with yourself now that you have this thank you note? And did I mention that the bowl - bland and useless - is not our registry?


Dear Sir/Madam,

The only practical application for the horrendously ugly pillow that you gave us is as a cow's chew toy. Unbelievable! I thought I had seen it all, but after this demonstration of thoughtfulness, I stand corrected. Do you understand that if this pillow remains in our household, irreparable harm will be done to our marriage? Thanks again for reminding us that no matter how bad things get, it really could get worse.


Dear Sir/Madam,

WHOOOAAAA! Thank you so much for this Panini Press that you gave us. We will use it often. Considering that I really don't know you at all, I'll assume that my parents gave your son an exceptionally nice gift when he got married.


Dear Sir/Madam,

Bless your heart! When I saw this lovely picture frame, there was absolutely no doubt in mind who this could have come from. This frame is quite unique that it will most likely find a home outside of our home. Might I again repeat how unusual this frame is. Know anybody who might want it?


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Fair

Well, I've put in my time to the State Fair for the year. Thankfully, I've done my duty! Nobody will be surprised to read that I just don't understand the appeal of this annual attraction. I'll go, but only because I'm forced to. Jamie enjoys riding all the death wishes...I mean....rides, and maybe instead of complaining, I should simply be thankful that she had a friend to ride with her.

If you happened to be with Jamie and me and some friends, you might have heard these things said (and I've thrown in a few quotes from the weekend to make life spicy):
  • "Stop acting trashy? We're at the Fair"
  • "Y'all bored?"
  • "She's going to find some interesting pictures on her camera."
  • "Let's show them we know how to have a good time!"
  • "If I could just get her off the antibiotic..."
  • "Now when y'all see all that water, just get a grip."
  • "Are you racist?"
  • "So I hear y'all aren't going to Memphis."
  • "I'm getting the silent treatment."
  • "Meet us by the half women/half snake."
  • "Ok, now if we see her again, you have to get a picture with her."

Monday, October 6, 2008


If you are curious about what Jamie does in her spare time...well...she takes pictures of Winston. Go check them out here!

Friday, October 3, 2008

I Was Sick!

A certain wife of mine has recently implied that I have not been sick this past week. Oh, I beg to differ! Just how sick was I? Glad you asked, faithful Ford Retort reader. At one point, as I was suffering at home on Wednesday night, I was transported in spirit to the Pearly Gates.

As I approached the Pearly Gates, I saw the saints of the ages. Our forefathers: Abraham...Issac...Jacob... David...Solomon...Jeremiah...Haggai...Zechariah...Malachi. I saw the disciples of Christ: James and John...Philip...Matthew...Bartholomew...Thadeus. And I saw the martyrs: Stephen...John on the Isle of Patmos.

As I walked towards those Pearly Gates, there stood Peter. I said, "Pete (we're on a first name basis), I am ready to die and leave this cruel world and meet King Jesus." After I finished speaking, Heaven grew silent. Peter walked to me, touched my lips, and said, "Child, your time on Earth is not yet complete. People still need the Ford Retort."

And next thing I know, I'm back in my bed and feeling a little better. Just reporting the facts...

Jamie and I ate with some friends last night, and if you were with us, you might have heard these things said:
  • "He doesn't ever eat anything."
  • "John, get up off that floor before you get pregnant."
  • "Hey, the sonic boom came today."
  • "Y'all had any water pressure problems yet?"
  • "What's Winston doing?"
  • "I would consider myself a blessed person if I never went to the Fair again."
  • "Yeah, we got our Christmas tree from the place the White House gets theirs."
  • "He doesn't know better."

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Customer Service

At my office, we're getting new phones this week. I am sad to report the transition has been nothing short of disastrous. By the end of the day yesterday, I was ready to throw the phone sets out on the front steps and buy ten Jitterbugs.

I'm beyond irritated. Our new phones and phone service currently leave much to be desired, but the source of my irritation stems from the poor customer service I've received. Many promises have been made but the company has consistently failed to deliver. The project manager with whom I've been dealing (let's call him Ronald) has not impressed me. Every time I speak with him, his cavalier words lead me to believe he's always thinking, "Yeah, I'll tell this guy anything to shut him up."

Yesterday, my patience ran out. Yesterday afternoon, I reached down not so deep inside, opened up, and shared my true feelings with Ronald. My comments to Ronald were never unprofessional (telling him I'm tired of taking crap from a one-eyed fat man may have been a bit much), and I never raised my voice (most likely because I'm sick and my throat hurts). Basically, I told him I was tired of calling him, reporting every small problem that we are experiencing, and then hearing his empty promises. Although Ronald told me many times he was diligently working to correct all problems, I reminded him that we were not paying for his diligent efforts, but for the end product: a functional VoIP phone system.

There's a customer service lesson to be learned here: you need to feel my pain. If it won't rang, you need to feel my pain. Ronald, I know we live in a fallen world. Because of the wiles of the Devil, our very existence is marred. We have problems. People are immoral. Our bodies decay. Phone systems don't cooperate. Ronald, I don't want to climb through the phone and tie your lips in a knot because you can't make my phones work, I want to come through the phone and make you eat your fist because you don't understand my needs.

Ronald, when I call you, I need you to make me believe that you care. When I call you with a problem, I need you to tell me that you're acutely aware that I'm losing money because of your ignorance. I want to know that my problems deeply concern you. I want to be coddled. I want you to hug me and tell me that everything will be ok. I want to hear reassuring words from you as you pat me on the back and speak of lollipops and dancing sunshines. I want you to keep me updated. It's real simple. I'm actually a pretty easy-going guy, but when you blow me off, the redneck comes out in me. Ronald...dude...feel my pain.