Thursday, August 28, 2008

Oh Barry

Below are the notes I took while listening to Barack Obama's acceptance speech:

Oh, Barry, you’re so silly… rock star...people thinking with their emotions…the Clinton’s have to be pissed!!

Chairman Dean, he’s been kept behind the scenes of this convention! After all the hype about the Brittany-like Greek temple staging, I'm not seeing many shots of it.

There’s Michelle “Carol Brady” Obama! I can’t believe he’s bringing up his family. But he’s appealing to most contemporary homes in America. I fundamentally disagree with Obama’s view of government (government should respond to every perceived “problem” in the world) and agree with Reagan (government is the problem)

The major American city that drowned? I forgot…Barack is the Messiah…he would have walked out on the water and told Katrina, “Peace. Be still.”

The speech attendees are entertainment hungry, not change hungry. George Bush is the whipping boy of this speech. History will view him kinder. This speech is free of substance.

The fundamentals of this economy are strong! Obama, tell every American worker from whom the government confiscates money from every paycheck of theirs and give it to someone else!! Obama, RICH PEOPLE i.e. wealth producers PAY THE TAXES. THAT’S WHY THEY GET TAX CUTS.

How funny! He’s wearing a flag pin. A Republican could give 90% of this speech. The Republican could change the names and a couple of phrases and give this exact same speech!

No, Barack, I AM NOT MY BROTHER’S KEEPER!!! NOR IS GOVERNMENT MY BROTHER’S KEEPER!

Nobody has a God-given right to an education! Sorry. Pay teachers higher salaries? Barry, the states pay the salaries of teachers…something called federalism.

If we accept Obama’s plan for health care, the same folks that work at the DMV and screen our luggage will administer my health plan.


Barry, if deciding when human life begins is above your pay grade, then making decisions about national security is not something you need to be in charge of. Barry, are you aware that Islamofascists desire to kill us? What’s your plan to kill them?

No, Barry, we don’t all put our country first. There are some who will milk the system and be lazy. There are some who will support illegal immigrants so they can pay meager wages and avoid payroll taxes. How is the government going to reduce unwanted pregnancies, Barry?

Criminals don’t follow the laws, Barry. That’s how they got AK 47s.


Conclusion: Barry, you can play all the redneck country music you want at the end of your speech, but you just scared the hell out of Middle America.

Air Guitar Championship

I mean, seriously, with a name like Hot Lixx Hulahan, the guy deserved to win. A tip of the fedora to that, if nothing else.

And he did win the US Air Guitar Championship.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

DNC Snack


I've been taking in bits and pieces of the Democratic National Convention over the week. From Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton to Michelle "America can go to Hell" Obama, I've experienced several different emotions...anger...amusement...disdain...etc.

To even out the peaks and troughs (after all, Jamie gets scared when I go from laughing wildly to shouting and spitting), I contemplated what natural methods I could utilize to gain control of my emotions. I could tell you all the different methods and natural substances I experimented with to get a grip, but let's cut to the chase: a glass of chocolate milk and a bag of Funyuns is the ultimate Democratic National Convention snack!

I mean, when you have a chocolate milk and a bag of Funyuns, the silliness of the DNC just seems to drift away. How can you be mad at Joe Biden...hell, anybody...when the soothing power of chocolate milk and Funyuns sweeps over you body? It truly is nothing short of miraculous! So when you've had it up to here with liberals, relax, chill, and grab a chocolate milk and some Funyuns!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Jamie's Subungual Hematoma

The Ford household experienced a great trauma yesterday evening. I feel compelled to memorialize it for you, the faithful Ford Retort reader.

The big toe is a sore subject (pun intended) for my family as of late. My cousin Scotty recently sustained a broken big toe from a freak Judo accident. Corrective surgery is a possibility for him that is still to be determined.

So yesterday evening, when Jamie yelled out, "MICHAEL, COME HERE...I JUST CRUSHED MY BIG TOE," I had a distinct impression, even though I was an entire room away, that she might have sustained an injury to her big toe. My intuition, after all, is razor sharp about these things.

I hurried from my office and found Jamie crumpled on the floor. She was making guttural noises. The scene was ugly (reader discretion advised from this point on.) The vacuum cleaner was beside her and still running. She was grabbing her big toe. I saw approximately three drops of blood on the floor. I asked Jamie what had happened, expecting to hear that somebody had entered our back door and hit her big toe with a sledge hammer. She instead told me that she had somehow managed to run the vacuum on top of her big toe. I laughed to myself...quietly...very quietly.

I immediately instructed Jamie to remove her hand from her big toe so that I could inspect the damage. And after a cursory inspection, my worst fears were confirmed...a subungual hematoma. Although I have no formal medical training, I acted quickly. I went to our bathroom and gave Jamie four 200 mg ibuprofen to assuage the pain. Immediately, I used a pair of nail clippers to remove a portion of her broken nail, to relieve the pressure (yes, I did use an alcohol prep pad to sterilize the nail clippers). I then helped Jamie to the bathtub and washed her toe. I put her in the bed and elevated her toe. And on top of all that, I finished the baking process of the chocolate chip cookies Jamie had in the oven. Extra star on my husband report card!

Of course, Jamie felt my medical care was inadequate, so she called her mommy. I did take great offense, but because I'm unshakably humble, I swallowed my pride and let it go. Jamie's mother stopped by and provided a couple of band aids. After Jamie finally settled down in the bed, I placed phone calls to our family, out to about second and third cousins, making them aware of the tragedy. Several friends were also contacted. I also contacted our church prayer team and requested that an emergency email be sent out to the congregation so that STAT prayer support could begin.

This morning, Jamie does seem to be better. She did not wake me up at any point during the night complaining of pain. All I heard last night as I selflessly cared for her was, "If you touch my toe, I'm gonna' cut off..." But those threats have also subsided. I really shouldn't say much criticizing my lovely wife...I'm a TERRIBLE patient. And Jamie reminded me of this. But then she said, if she's put up with me for almost six months, I can nurse her subungual hematoma. Yep, September 15 will be the six month anniversary...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Be Reminded...

God sent His Son; they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal, and forgive.
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Gap Girls


The other day, I watched some of "101 Top Moments on Saturday Night Live" (I can't remember the station). I saw the above clip, and it made me laugh aloud.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Friday Notes & Asides


  • Quote from Jamie: "You just hit me in the larynx and it made me fart." Yes, Jamie is a healthcare professional.
  • Quote from Jamie: "Somebody needs to pinch their Coleus."
  • Anonymous quote: "Sure are a lot of trees back here."
  • Other anonymous quote: "I was so flustered, I stooped to driving the OleMissmobile."
Mrs. Ford and I spent some time cavorting around town last night. Usually, this is always a fun time for us (because, like me and thanks to me, my wife is crazy funny), but last night, I endured the strangest experiences in this place.

When I entered the store, I grabbed a manuscript to peruse and got down to some hard core relaxation. While thumbing through a book about one gentleman's noble crusade to read the entire Oxford English Dictionary (I seem to have a penchant for books such as this), I noticed that I was surrounded...engulfed... besieged with...well...weirdos.

At first, the gentleman engaged in pseudo-intellectual conversation on his cell phone was just plain annoying. But upon closer inspection, I concluded he wasn't actually talking with anyone...just himself. And that really annoyed me.

At first, I felt sorry for the old man who was propped up by a book shelf near my chair. But after five minutes, my sympathy turned to irritation. Sorry, old man wearing an audacious sweater in August, that you're short of breath, but your huffing and puffing is interrupting my night out on the town.

The night did end with a bang. While Jamie chatted with some friends she ran in to, I socialized with them also by standing off to the side and staring at the ceiling. As I looked around the room, the Cannabis Culture magazine caught my eye. Inspecting the cover, the phrase "mind blowing cannabis sex," also grabbed my attention. Imagine that. Right as I mustered up the courage to go pick up the magazine, Jamie decided it was time to leave. Oh well. There's always the online subscription.

Obama's Veep


I just received the official Obama campaign text message that alerts me, an influential member of the underground media, who Barack's veep choice is. Drum roll, please...it's Pat Sajak. The super duper secret text also includes the following:

Sajak, who is a loved and adored...really deified...by most old people in America, is hungry for change!

Actually, it's probably not Pat. Mr. Sajak is not only the host of Wheel of Fortune; he's also a staunch conservative. Conservative bona fides include: major donor to Reagan Presidential Library, member of Board of Trustees of Hillsdale College (a bastion of conservative thought), and contributor to Human Events (ultra right wing publication).

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Congrats Jonathan and Sara

Official Blog Observer Joe Nathan Snerdley just informed me that my younger brother, Jonathan, asked his significant other Sara to marry him. And guess what? She said yes! Congratulations to Jon and Sara!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Rick Warren's Forum


Barack...you pinhead.

The abortion debate in the public square is intelectually dishonest.

When you watch the above video, do you get the impression that Mr. Obama finds something troubling about abortion? This "let's keep abortion safe, legal, and rare" line of the left is baffling! If allowing your baby to be born and aborting your baby are equally acceptable, morally-equivalent options, then why do we need to find a way to reduce abortions?

Barack Among the Evangelicals
McCain's Finest Hour
Obama's Christian Creds vs. Abortion and Infanticide
Above My Pay Grade?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Got Spondo? Yeah Baby!

My friend Jason over at YDKS Movies artfully weaves great fun i.e. the Spondo (yes, Jason, I will capitalize Spondo because I believe it should be treated as a proper noun) with an excoriation of George Lucas and his illegitimate son Star Wars: The Clone Wars in this post. Check it out!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Silence is Golden


There is the freedom to be alone, not in order to be away from people but in order to hear the divine Whisper better. - Richard Foster

I am SORE!

We made it back from LAUNCH Sunday morning. That afternoon, Mrs. Ford and I took a long nap, ate dinner here with a friend (who gave us a bag of AMAZING boiled peanuts), and then ended the night by washing clothes and tidying up around the abode. Did I mention that I'm sore? But we had a blast acting like kids...with the kids (see above video). It's kind of weird to go on a church youth trip as a chaperon. After all, it hasn't been that long ago that I was one of those kids! Really, it hasn't been that long ago since I was one of those kids, and this guy was the youth intern, not the youth minister! Oh yeah, I just went there.

During our last time of corporate worship on Saturday night, LAUNCHers, LAUNCHettes, and the adult volunteers spent some time in silence. YES! Silence makes Americans uncomfortable (the Japanese use silence as a negotiating tactic in business dealings), but there are few things that I relish more than silence, or at least quietness and solitude. Has your significant other ever given you the "silent treatment?" Jamie has never done this to me because she knows it won't work! The "silent treatment" actually is a delightful serendipity...particularly when we're having intense moments of fellowship. If I'm mad at you and you're mad at me, not speaking to me strikes me as very reasonable and is fine by me.

Sunday night, I contemplated the discipline of silence/solitude. I went to my bookcase and pulled out Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline; he defines solitude as a spiritual discipline. Foster's book doesn't contain an idle or insignificant word or phrase, but the one statement Mr. Foster made that was impressed upon me is that Christ inaugurated his earthly ministry by spending 4o days alone in the desert. Whoa! Good point. Even as someone with a predisposition to enjoy quietness and solitude, I don't use it as I should. This week, I've made a concerted effort to spend time in silence...listening. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Thursday Notes & Asides

  • Happy birthday to faithful Ford Retort reader Cindy!
  • This week, I looked in my refrigerator and found organic chocolate soy milk. Mrs. Ford and I are preparing for a discussion about this. I'll keep you updated.
  • The results of the clothes log are telling. Jamie got tired of me keeping up with it, so she conceded I do a much better job. I wear the clothes I own. She doesn't...of course she does wear scrubs to work. A quick review of the stats shows that I wore 53% of my summer wardrobe during the month of July. What was the goal of my experiment? Just to make a point. Don't worry, my experiment hasn't changed Jamie's habits one iota.
  • A Nebraska state senator is suing God. So much for the separation of church and state...
  • Jamie's is extremely tired of me randomly singing the Olympic theme song. Something about loud and annoying...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic Mishap



Easily sickened? Don't watch this!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Polar Bear


Weird things happen.

You put 8 socks in the dryer, and at the completion of the cycle, only 7 can be found. George W. Bush successfully completes a full sentence, one with a subject, verb, and direct object. Paris Hilton swears by her fortune that she is a virgin. The price of oil drops to $25 a barrel. The Southern Baptist Convention stops boycotting organizations. The French talk smack. You get the point.

I was cleaning out my back seat today, and I found a tiny polar bear with a red bow tie on my floorboard (it's pictured above). After scouring the depths of my mind, I am at a complete loss as to how this creature made its way to my vehicle. I checked with Official Blog Observer Joe Nathan Snerdley. After a lot of prodding, Mr. Snerdley claimed out and out ignorance about the tiny polar bear with the red bow tie.

Why do I tell you, the faithful Ford Retort reader, about this. Well, I have a prescient feeling that this a teachable moment for me. What valuable life lesson can I learn from this odd event (I am in one of those moods)? After some intense personal reflection, I am making this tiny polar bear with a red bow tie a personal Ebenezer. I will put it in my home office. It will remind me of how little I truly know. I will see it and become one with the fact that I'm not in control. It will remind me of my inadequacies. Silly? I think not! An innocuous and inane tiny polar bear with a red bow tie will painlessly remind me of facts that I am already painfully aware of.

Friday, August 8, 2008

LAUNCH


This weekend, I'll be at Twin Lakes to blog at launchretreat.com. LAUNCH is the back to school weekend retreat for my church's student ministry. Check in every now and then; it should be a good time. And trust me, I know a good time like I know every inch of my glorious, naked body!

p.s. this article interested me.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Texting Calamity

Have you ever sent someone a text message/read a text message while driving? Yep, you have. What, you haven't? Liar.

Informing you of the dangers of texting while driving is unnecessary. If you have the capacity to read, then an explanation of potential dangers would be superfluous. While a wreck is at the top of the list of terrible "texting while driving" disasters, inadvertently texting the wrong person or the wrong content to the wrong person might well be near the top of the list. You can probably see where this is going.

On my way home from work yesterday, I texted Jamie...well let me pull out my cell phone...ok here it is..."love you too, hun." It was a response to a previous message she sent a couple of hours before. In the meantime, I had been texting a female friend of mine...just about some goings on. As I neared my house, I received a text from my female friend that said...hold on, let me pull out my phone..."Wow, Michael, I didn't know we are that type of friends."

I was a little baffled. What was she talking about? So I scrolled down on my phone, and you guessed it, I sent the "I love you," message to this gal, not Mrs. Ford. She's gracious, so it wasn't a big deal. But I do like to free myself from the potential to be blackmailed. If she ever accuses me of being the father of her love child, when I run for political office some day, I can point to this very post as evidence of my blamelessness.

Let this be a lesson to all you yougins. This is your wife...this is your wife when you text another woman and tell her that you love her.

p.s. Ronnie Musgrove is a pinhead.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Food for Thought

Capitalism is the greatest system ever created for alleviating general human misery, and yet it breeds ingratitude. People ask, "Why is there poverty in the world?’" It's a silly question. Poverty is the default human condition... The interesting question isn’t "Why is there poverty?" It’s "Why is there wealth?" Or: "Why is there prosperity here but not there?" At the end of the day, the first answer is capitalism, rightly understood. That is to say: free markets, private property, the spirit of entrepreneurialism and the conviction that the fruits of your labors are your own... In large measure our wealth isn’t the product of capitalism, it is capitalism. And yet we hate it. Leaving religion out of it, no idea has given more to humanity. The average working-class person today is richer, in real terms, than the average prince or potentate of 300 years ago. His food is better, his life longer, his health better, his menu of entertainments vastly more diverse, his toilette infinitely more civilized. And yet we constantly hear how cruel capitalism is while this collectivism or that is more loving because, unlike capitalism, collectivism is about the group, not the individual... Meanwhile, billions have ridden capitalism out of poverty. And yet the children of capitalism still whine. - Jonah Goldberg

Monday, August 4, 2008

Bob Ford: Golf Pro

I'm sleepy!

I sent Mrs. Ford to bed early this evening, but I decided to stay up and complete several unsettled chores. I can't really remember the last time I've stayed up long enough in to the night to see Conan. But I did discover that one of my zany neighbors chooses to wash her dishes on her back porch after midnight (I thought somebody was banging pots and pans on my back porch).

Last week, this article reminded me of an incident that occurred more than once in my childhood.

From time to time, I'd answer the phone at my house and find an inquiring individual seeking to speak to Bob Ford, local golf pro. "Is this the residence of Bob Ford the golf pro?" For most, my turbulent laughter answered the question, but I gave a few dense folks a more conclusive response: no. I figured out after this happened a couple of times that our state does indeed have a golf pro named Bob Ford.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Bob Ford is my dad? And he's not much of a golfer. Only those of you who know him will probably find that amusing.

Friday, August 1, 2008

See You Around!


Memphis! (video is admittedly cheesy)

Congratulations to Rush (a personal hero of mine) on 20 years of broadcasting excellence!

See you around!

And yeah, and check out this in the meantime. It's a good laugh! And check this out. It made me little nauseated.