Thursday, July 31, 2008

Excellent Customer Service

I've bragged on Sal and Mookie's before on the Ford Retort, but after last night, I only have more reason to brag.

Jamie and I and some friends ate at Sal and Mookie's yesterday evening. We encountered a rather inconsequential problem, but the staff at S &M went overboard to rectify it (I would give you the ins and outs, but some dark soul might seek to exploit the good folks at S & M). I always patronize folks who take their job seriously. A tip of the fedora to Sal and Mookie's (and Ole Miss sorority girls (wink, wink)).

Jamie and I will be out of town this weekend, so you won't see much more of me for a bit. We'll be in...(drum roll, please)

WNBA Brawl

The WNBA made headlines with, maybe, the first ever (actually, probably not) game brawl, but I'm not sure the league has benefited from the publicity.

In response to recent WNBA commercials, some fine folks have responded with parodies. Did I enjoy the parodies? Uh huh.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Return Policy

Well, faithful Ford Retort readers, it feels like it's been some time!

I've had another writing responsibility as of late, and yes, it pushed the Ford Retort aside. Snerdley found out about it and called me a philanderer, but I assured him I would never step out on my readers. Well, yes, the price would have to be right, but I digress.

Jamie went to eat with some friends last night (happy birthday, Brittany, and seriously, hun, get that picture (you know the one) off Facebook) at this place (I think), so I took the opportunity to start writing. And I'm finishing up now.

Mrs. Ford is now officially an RN. She passed boards last week, and I'm quite proud of her! I suggested to her now that she has some free time, maybe she should try reading for pleasure. To my surprise, she was genuinely on board with my suggestion. So she left me at home and ran to Barnes and Noble to grab some books.

I called her on the way and reminded her that if she bought a book that was on Oprah's reading list, I was going to make her return it. Jamie responded, "You can't return books to a book store: how do they know if you've read them or not?"

In that split second, the time it took me for to process her statement/question, my mind literally voided all activity. I stopped thinking. All high brain functions ceased. When I woke up, I asked Jamie what happened, and she said I just fell over and blacked out. Figures.

For the record, I think Jamie was able to return the book; yes, it was on Oprah's reading list.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Above are a couple of pictures from Claire's birthday party (Claire is my one year old cousin). But the last picture is one I took from my recliner, looking out my front door. I thought it was probably isn't though.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Cyber Attack

So I just got off the phone with Official Blog Observer Joe Nathan Snerdley. Mr. Snerdley informed me that he and the interns fended off several cyber attacks directed against the Ford Retort over the last three days.

He kept saying that we almost ended up with pictures of naked women with large bosoms and callipygian assets where the picture of Jamie me currently resides. After several explanations, I never picked up on exactly what the problem was with that, but that is why I have people like Snerdley working for me.

Oh yeah, on a side note, I've had a person or two ask me about what songs I've been singing these days (remember, stratospheric super diva persona in the shower). Lately I've been doing this song (yes, singing the four part harmony), this song (again doing the four part harmony), this song, and this song.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Pet Services

If you click on the above image, I think it will "enlarge itself." Take time to do so.

Now isn't that cute. Little Beth Ann has exciting pet services she wishes to offer you. And don't forget about the special deal.

Hey, this is a lot better than the eight year old who wants to sell me hot lemonade for 5o cents. C'mon, little lemonade pushers, we have a society to run.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Well, this weekend, I hung out with some self-proclaimed old people. That was...old. If you were with us, you might have heard these things said:
  • "No, it' an albino terd."
  • "I don't look this sexy to stay at home."
That's about all you need to know.

But because I'm a really good guy, I endured Mexican food to hang out with some (younger) friends on Sunday. It's always great to meet new folks.

A quick tip of the fedora to Claire (my now one year old cousin). We had her birthday party this weekend, and it was a blast! I'll try to post a picture.

I have to take Mrs. Ford back to Sal & Mookie's tonight to (unofficially) celebrate! We ate lunch at its sister restaurant yesterday. Somebody needs to tell Mrs. Ford we're in a recession. She's killin' me!
  • The above image hit my inbox this morning. Basking in someone else's ignorance is always a gratifying way to start a Monday morning.
  • I know some folks who are going to be doctors and dentists. Little do they know I'm the one with the lucrative future. Check it out here.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Thirsty Thursday with the M Bravs

Jamie and I joined a friend at the M Braves game last night (to protect the identity of the friend, I will call him never know if potential employers are reading the Ford Retort). If you were at the game with us, you might have heard the following things said:

  • "Hey look, there's Michael, Jamie, and Rufus with their heads under their seats."
  • "I want those in my face."
  • "Jesse, I can't believe you just said that!"
  • "Please don't leave me." (declared with earnest passion that would move the hardest heart)
  • "Yeah, he's not always that trashy."
  • "Let's go, Bravos."
  • "I majored in dairy science."
  • "So how are you doing? Obviously not well."
  • "The eyes always deflate."
  • "Where's Kevin?"
  • "Well, I wouldn't say they grew up with us..."
Jamie and I have some responsibilities to attend to this next week, and we will not be home much. No promises on the frequency of posts. I hope you have a relaxing and productive weekend!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The End of the World As We Know It

*rant on*

Is it the end of the world of as we know it? Probably not.

I was talking with a friend yesterday, and he told me his opinion is that the world is a bit depressing right now. I corrected him and said that the drive-by media coverage is actually what is depressing him.

Are you depressed? Turn off the television. Don't read The New York Times. Seriously, when Celebrity Circus and America's Got Talent is billed to the American people as worthwhile entertainment, how can you not be overwhelmed with sadness?

I'll admit times are a little hard right now. The cost of petroleum is up, the housing market is tight, apparently a large contingent of people think this man is equipped to be president. But what I'm discovering is that the folks who think times really are tough right now are people who didn't live through Jimmy Carter's presidency (or were really young). The Carter Administration: that was depressing! All in all, Ecclesiastes reminds us there really aren't many new things these days.

What I find depressing is the explanations our leaders are offering for our problems today: gas prices have risen because we have two oil men in the White House. No, please don't believe that. It's ignorant (although that would explain why the price of cigars and oral sex skyrocketed during the Clinton Administration). Our world and markets are complex; don't always accept simple answers for complex problems.

*rant off*

Monday, July 14, 2008

I Cry, You Cry

I confessed a deep, dark secret to Jamie, just the other day I believe it was.

When Jamie cries, it's all I can do to not explode with laughter. Jamie didn't take this well.

For example: last week, I made Jamie mad, and after a heated exchange, she began to cry. Now I'm fully aware that the last thing I need be doing when Jamie cries is laughing. But I can't help it! There's just something about the way she cries that I find hilarious...I just can't put my finger on it. The tone/quality of the laughter is rather normal. She doesn't make any crazy noises or faces. But her tears stir a deep, deep note within my soul. So I have to laugh behind her back...
  • I was talking with a dude I know about how baby-boomers still believe that faxing is an acceptable communication transmission tool. Seriously, if you like faxes and/or find them acceptable, find a good counselor and work through your deep-seated self esteem issues. I hate a fax!
  • I'm hooked on this website! On it, I've been watching the Bob Newhart Show (Chicago, psychologist one). Seriously, I love old school sitcoms. The differences between sitcoms (and television in general) from the antiquated 20th century and today are stark. Any given episode of the BNS basically has one plot; a sitcom/show today usually has two or three subplots. Not to mention the glitz and glamor and fast-paced action and sexiness that today's shows posses (actually, many old school sitcoms contain quite a few veiled sexual references). Television of today vs. television of yesterday may be worth a separate post.
  • I find myself doing odd things from time to time. Like Saturday, while Jamie was working, I started skipping around the kitchen table (began as getting a drink from the refrigerator). Not sure how I progressed from quenching thirst to skipping, but this song was involved.
  • I've developed a new favorite past time. If a telemarketer calls my office, and I see it's a telemarketer from the caller ID (and I'm by myself), I answer the phone with an outrageous British accent. You would think a person who spends their days cold calling complete strangers could handle this, but it usually throws them for a loop.
  • Mrs. Ford and I ate at this restaurant last night, and once again, I was reminded that she is amazing! From Lil Willie Thigpen to the hoxenbaufer syndrome, we shared many a laugh. Love you, hun!

Tony Snow

I was saddened to hear of the death of Tony Snow. His death has not hastened the omnipresent fawning tributes that Tim Russert received, from the drive-by media, but his life would engender such.

Instead of me extolling from afar the virtues of Mr. Snow, here is an anecdote I would encourage you to read. And here is an article from the late Tony Snow himself.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Running Afoul of a Nutjob

Don't you love politics!

Race industry demagogue Jesse Jackson has come under fire for his desire to castrate Barack Obama (see above video). Oh Jesse, what a way to slither in to irrelevancy...

I'm so glad that Mississippians can find entertainment in our local politicians as well. Former state Senator Mike Gunn is mocking his recent avian calamity. Check out the story here, if you're not familiar with it. To add to Mr. Gunn's comments, I hope the media will leave him alone, lest he cock them cold one for thrashing his good reputation.

Man, life's a pecker.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


One of the very few good things about Oprah is that she has a "boyfriend." And this boyfriend (along with Oprah) is mocked by the good folks at TV Funhouse. Now that's what you call quality entertainment from Oprah!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


An elder gentlemen, who has known me for quite some time, came up to me at church and asked, "Mike, have you put on a little weight?" Yeah, Jamie feeds me very well (she makes my lunch before she leaves everyday and puts it in my I can't forget), but I think my BMI is still within the margin or error.

And that was the last straw.

So I'm about to start back running. In search for encouragement, I did a little internet research and came across this site. And this one.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Happy 4th

"Proclaim liberty throughout all the land
unto all the inhabitants thereof - Lev. XXV, v. X"
-Inscription on the Liberty Bell, from Leviticus 25:10

Celebrate Rush! Celebrate America!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Movie Blog

My friend Jason is involved in a blog, so if you're looking for insightful, cutting-edge, and poignant movie commentary, give the YDKS Movies blog a hit or two at

You won't be disappointed (unless brilliant movie commentary repulses you).

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Clothes Log

Truth is sought for its own sake. And those who are engaged upon the quest for anything for its own sake are not interested in other things. Finding the truth is difficult, and the road to it is rough. - Ibn al-Haytham

One household topic of discussion that Jamie and I bicker about is her closet. In our new home, we have separate closets (nothing short of unadulterated bliss). Yet even though I can choose to ignore the unholy abyss (Jamie's closet), I play mind games with myself. I'll think, "Michael, don't look in her need to torment yourself," but I give in to the urge, just like a kid indulges the impulse to pick his nose at the table (or I give in to the urge to concurrently eat 6 packs of Sour Punch Straws). So I glance in her closet and go berserk!

Jamie has clothes everywhere. Clothes, clothes, clothes. In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that I do not lack for any nice clothes. So what is the difference between Jamie and me? I wear all of my clothes.

Last night, in the heat of the argument, I came out and said it: "Jamie, loving wife, you have too many clothes." She balked and said I have too many clothes. And I retorted that I actually wear my clothes, not collect them. So after some hemming and hawing, I agreed to remain silent about her closet if she would agree to participate in a my experiment.

To test my accusation, Jamie and I will be keeping a clothes log. Every day for 6 months, I will log what we wear in an Excel spreadsheet. Even though you may find my task tedious, I'm very excited about recording hard data that vindicates what I know to be true. Some of you with razor-sharp mind might be thinking, "Hey, wait a minute, Jamie wears scrubs to work." My point exactly. I'll keep you, faithful Ford Retort reader, abreast of our findings.

Natural Selection

Natural selection reigns supreme: check out this!

And The Caissons Go Rolling Along

Like many (especially Southern Baptist) churches, the local congregation of which I'm a member celebrated "God and Country Day" last Sunday. Whatever a respective church may name it, this patriotic service to celebrate the great US of A is a cherished tradition in many old-school churches across the fruited plains.

I always get a hearty chuckle from "God and Country Day." Congregants sport their red, white, and blue attire and, most surprisingly, tolerate deviations from the "typical" service. We sing the military anthems and several hymns of country. A guest speaker, maybe a member of the military or local politician, extols the virtues of America. One fellow congregant once confided in me, "Man, what would happen if we'd do all this for Jesus?" His point is the pomp and circumstance that is integrated in this once-a-year patriotic service, to celebrate America, is certainly above and beyond what you would find in a "typical" worship service, presumably to celebrate Jesus.

I can say that most "Celebrate America" services I've been a part of revolve around honoring our veterans. This is certainly a worthy endeavor; the sacrifices of our veterans are indeed priceless. While July 4th services make sense in our culture, I do wonder what a Chinese Christian (who endures considerable hardship to practice his faith in community) would say about our "Celebrate America "services. Would we as Americans be offended if an Iraqi church took a Sunday to honor Iraq and veterans of the recent unpleasantness? Should anything other than the Gospel be celebrated in a worship service?

Undoubtedly, America's religious freedom has been a explosive catalyst for the cause of Christ. It's not an outrageous to claim that God has divinely ensured the successes and freedoms of this experiment in freedom we call the USA. But don't be under the auspices that America's founding fathers were evangelical Christians (a common precept spouted off in the "Celebrate America" services); George Washington and Thomas Jefferson didn't fill any idle time by singing "Shout to the Lord" or "God of Our Fathers" (here is an interesting article if you desire to explore that assertion more). Is America a Christian nation? Depends on what a Christian nation is.