Monday, June 30, 2008

A Rip, Rap, Rippity Roo

  • One more reason (the others slip my mind right now) to dance in public: check it out here.
  • Pricey real estate: $3,000/square foot
  • Michael Hussein Ford....too bad I'm not on Facebook.
  • A recent discovery: Jamie's nostrils respond (by flaring) to stimuli; mine do not.
  • Not a bad idea, if you find yourself dissatisfied with life...I'd have to explore the tax consequences, though.
I was watching Last Comic Standing last Thursday night and found myself engrossed with laughter because of Drennon Davis's comedy bit. Now, Drennon is a quirky guy...some might call him a pervert. But his routine in Las Vegas on rap music had me hooting. Check it out here (if you want to go straight to the rap bit, fast forward on the video to 5:43).

Rap music has never been my cup of tea. Without getting hung up on the content of the lyrics that is typical of contemporary rap, I will cheerfully admit that rapping (the art of performing rap music) is a talent (trust me, I'm thankful my wife can't speak that fast). I've always found rap music a bit primal. Not exactly the evolved, intricate, and progressive arias I passionately sing in the shower every morning...like this one.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Spelling Bee: Part 2


On May 29th, I posted about the Scripps National Spelling Bee (need a refresher? check it out here). IMHO, a spelling bee can, in any given period of time, be the object of mockery more than once on the Ford Retort.

I came across the above clip from the sitcom Frasier. It is nothing short of hilarious!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Friday Roundup


  • Jamie has greatly changed my eating habits. I was a finicky eater; now I'm a not so finicky eater. But one snack that she has me hooked on, that I NEVER would have believed I would eat, is pistachios. Oddly enough, I've learned that pistachio nuts are highly flammable and are prone to spontaneous combustion. Interesting.
  • Tomorrow will be a hard, grueling day of yard work. But with the help of my friend, Roundup, I will overcome. Having some formal chemistry training, I feel qualified to mix up a special concoction from Roundup concentrate. It's effective!
  • Glyphosate is the the active ingredient in Roundup. Glyphosate inhibits an enzyme in plants, which catalyzes a chemical reaction that leads to the production of essential aromatic amino acids. Here is a picture of glyphosate.
  • I had a friend inform me this Bible verse applies to me. I responded and told him this Bible verse applies to him.
  • The above image is how I felt when we missed "Thirsty Thursday" with the M Braves last night. But the threat of rain kept us away...and some absentees. C'mon folks...it's time to pull it together...you know who you are!
  • This has happened more than once. The last time it happened, I was at church. An elderly gentlemen saw me before the service, and after an exchange of pleasantries, he asked me, "Have you put on some weight?" Just last night, Jamie laughed at me when I told her I was 165 lbs. Do these pants make me look fat?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Today Is Thursday

Only in our great country can folks make money doing non-traditional (odd) jobs. Here's the skinny on video game testers.

And in other news...the Second Ammendment lives! "Supreme Court Says Americans Have Right To Guns." Supreme Court? How about the Constitution?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dave's Rant

The Ford Retort speaks highly of Dave Ramsey. Dave's common sense approach to money is refreshing and helpful, and he never succumbs to the latest financial trends or doom and gloom predictions. Dave is ranting! Check it out here.

Bend Over, Baby!

Last night, Jamie and I took advantage of the buffet at the Pizza Inn in Madison (the city). It so happens that every other Tuesday, customers of this fine establishment are serenaded by a gracious gentleman, his guitar, and accompaniment tracks. Hey, there's nothing better than eating pizza and listening to a redneck version of 80's hits. Last night, Pizza Inn contained a variegated slice of America: the overweight man who resembled Larry Csonka, the single mom with three kids, the blue collar worker with his wife and son and daughter, Jamie (just a small town girl) and I (rebel without a cause), and the carefree manager who was proud of himself for bringing in this entertainer. Ahhh...the glories of our fruited plains.

While we were eating in our booth, Jamie somehow managed to kick me in the shin....without warning. I screamed (it probably sounded like this)! Nobody heard me though because of the music (and people trying to talk over the music). Jamie profusely apologized to me, and I, in my jovial and pensive way, agreed to accept the apology under one condition: I told her she needed to bend over and kiss my shin.

Jamie wanted to oblige, but again because of the loud music, (and the loud people) she didn't hear the terms of the apology. So pointing to my shin, I said, "You need to bend over and kiss it." I have a quiet speaking voice...she didn't hear me...and the loud music, you know. So I essentially shouted, "You need to bend over and kiss it."

Unfortunately, the gracious gentleman serenading us finished singing "Margaritaville" immediately before I shouted my exhortation. Talk about throwing cold water on a good time. I got some odd looks from the folks around me. I felt compelled to explain myself to the other customers, but I decided to endure the consequence. And so what if a few families around us with small children got up and moved to another table?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Upcoming Election

As I've stated before (actually, repeated), the 2008 presidential election is largely about Barack Obama. Most voters will either vote for the esteemed Senator or vote against the Illinois radical. Here is a list of reasons why you need to vote against him.

Obama: Detached & Proud
Obama: Radical "Associations"

The Profundity of It All

Yesterday at the dinner table, an interesting topic of discussion arose. Have you encountered an individual who has a proclivity to make profound statements...or at least he or she thinks they are profound?

Now let's clarify profound: if I said, "The FreeCreditReport.com commercials are without argument the most brilliant piece of advertising to ever hit the small screen," know that a statement such as that should not be accepted as having the potential to be profound. It is only inane and ignorant. But if I said, "This country is in need of change," or "God is good; all the time, God is good," those statements might have the appearance of profundity, until you thought about them.

I know an individual like this (let's call him Pinky). Pinky shares experiences and thoughts that obviously strike him as profound, but to the rest of us, they're simplistic and obvious. So often, I've felt an unstoppable compulsion to rise to my feet and shout, "Pinky, spare us!" I am reminded of Ben Franklin's saying in Poor Richard's Almanack, “Here comes the orator! With his flood of words, and his drop of reason.”

Friday, June 20, 2008

Northside Firestone

When it comes to a vehicle repair, even a minor one, most folks would rather run screaming into oncoming, rush hour traffic than deal with a repair shop. Auto repair shops have earned the stereotype of being unscrupulous entities, and as with most stereotypes, there is some amount of truth in this.

The Ford Retort is taking this opportunity to speak highly of a local auto repair shop. My experiences with the Northside Firestone in Clinton have always been positive. The folks there have always been fair with me and have given me advice and direction, sometimes at the expense of cutting out business for themselves.

I know there are other reputable auto shops in the Metro Jackson area; I would love to hear about them!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bowling

Tonight, my friend Russell and I participated in "dollar bowling" at Indian Lanes in Clinton. All in all, we had a good time. If I, like Russell, could boast 200+ scores and bowl five strikes in a row, I might take up bowling as a serious hobby.

If you were with us, you might have heard the following comments (warning: the following comments may contain trashy bowling alley language).
  • "Damn, Holmes. It's only $2."
  • "Well, if it's not any fun, at least we don't have a lot to lose."
  • "If you run across me in thirty years and happen to find me working in a bowling alley, assume I've fallen on hard times."
  • "He sure looks familiar."
  • "I know you'd rather spend your Saturday doing other things, but if you're not at the wedding, I'm gonna whoop your ass."
  • "I think the software that keeps up with the scores and players is rather simple...probably operated using a primitive system of levers."
  • "How old is this place? Didn't there used to be batting cages over there?"
  • "Man, you're hustling me!"
  • "Yes, they are primitive. Protruding brow, loud grunts, knuckles dragging the ground and such..."
  • "Bring on the suck!"

Weed Eater

If you would have stumbled by my house 8 am last Saturday morning, you would have found me edging my yard. At the risk of boasting, I feel compelled to tell you that I'm rather proficient with a weed eater. So I find whacking weeds to be an enjoyable activity. Let me also go on the record and say that I'm a fan/owner of Stihl products, and if you have the means, I would highly recommend them.

Oddly enough, I find my creative juices churning the most, during times when I'm engaged in yard work (you wouldn't believe the Ford Retort topics that emerge...).

The Bible gives us many images of Heaven...a place of no tears, no night, and streets of gold. Biblical scholars debate the activities of Heavenly home owners, but I have to believe that in Heaven, faithful workers will constantly edge (with a weed eater) the streets of gold. It is the majestic reward to these faithful workers to maintain a clean groove between the lush Heavenly grass and streets of gold. Next to using my stratospheric super diva abilities, I'm looking most forward to this!

Biblical descriptions of Hell are terrifying. It is described as location of fire and brimstone, gnashing of teeth, and constant anguish. I have to believe in Hell, its occupants are forced to constantly change the string on weed eaters. Day after day, Hell's home owners engage in the tedious work of putting on thousands of feet of string on weed eater spools. And to make the drudgery worse, somebody sits there and tells them, "You spend more time changing the string on that thing than you do using it!"

While we must now limit weed eater activities to earthly pursuits, let me suggest some contraindicated weed eater activities: obliterating a watermelon, torturing animals, and powering a boat.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sensible Elected Officials


Watch the above video of Rep. Ted Poe (R-TX). He, along with this man, and a few others, make my list of sensible elected officials.

Folks, we are responsible for our elected politicians. Don't forget it.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Tim Russert


As were many of you, I was saddened to hear of the untimely death of Tim Russert. The odes to Mr. Russert are voluminous, so I will resist the urge to clutter the landscape with more. I will say that Mr. Russert struck me as a decent individual...a non-elitist....an objective, fair, and tough journalist. His passion and love for family is beyond admirable, and maybe soon, I'll be picking up Mr. Russert's book, Big Russ and Me.

Here is an article worthy of reading.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Opportunity for Entrepreneurs

As gas prices soar, Republicans and Democrats continue to spar over who is to blame for the rise in price. Few folks though understand the real reasons for the increased cost of petroleum fuel. With no relief in sight, the Ford Retort publicly encourage entrepreneurs to pursue the following idea as a possibility for an alternative energy source.

The concept of Personal Methane Reclamation (PMR) technology has existed in the global scientific community for several decades. Super-duper secret scientists working at the National Academies of Sciences during the Reagan administration first explored and tested the idea.

Simply put, the PMR technology consists of reclaiming and harnessing human methane expulsions for energy, presumably which could power a vehicle.

As an example: yesterday evening around 9:30 pm, I experienced an intense chocolate compulsion (this is a congenital syndrome for me). I made Jamie drive me up to the local gas station, and I proceeded to purchase a chocolate milk, an ice cream sandwich, and a Nestle Crunch. After returning home and concurrently consuming each item, my stomach was in knots. And there were consequences. But if I could have efficiently harnessed the "pre-consequences" (methane expulsions), Jamie and I could have powered our house for the next month.

Admittedly, the mechanisms to capture the methane expulsions are somewhat dubious at this time, but I know that a bright, young, entrepreneurial mind could easily overcome this conundrum. Also be aware that this technology will likely increase the price of hot pockets and food at Mexican restaurants.

I often joke about that we could fuel a large cruise ship if we could harness Person X's hot air, or we could power a Boeing 747 if we could harness the energy generated between a fat woman's thighs. But in these times of increased energy prices, all options need to be placed on the table for serious consideration.

And on a related note, check this out.

Barack: The Messiah




All hail, Barack Obama! The presumed Democratic nominee for POTUS is functioning quite well in is newly bestowed role (by the media) as...the Messiah.

Apparently the folks (or at least the search algorithms) over at Barnes and Noble are excited about the Democratic Messiah. Check this out (a tip of the fedora to the folks over at NewsBusters).

Hardball blowhard Chris Matthews either peed on himself or really is very excited about His Royal Highness. Check this out.

Even "big" stars such as J Lo bow to the majesty of Barack. See that here.

But King Barack smokes. And as the above videos indicate, his charisma wanes when he speaks extemporaneously. Of course, we do all know that smile that GWB exudes when he successfully completes a sentence...

This guy summed it up nicely: in this election, most voters are voting for or against Barack Obama. The Republican nominee, whether John McCain, John Lennon, John Kerry, or John the Baptist, is basically inconsequential. So carry on.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Retaliation!


Have you ever secretly desired to retaliate against a sport's official for a badly called game?

Apparently, the catcher in the above video intentionally ducks to allow the baseball to hit the umpire. Brilliant!

I wish I would have thought of this, but as a youngster, I had to stop playing baseball when they told me I could no longer hit the baseball off the tee.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sudoku Troubles

Lady Justice has been thrown a curve ball. Check it out here.

Oh No She Didn't!


This weekend, Jamie and I bought several pots...you know, those large, stone flower pots...at a store in Brandon. When we left, our final purchase consisted of three pots. One of those pots was gigantic..enormous...heavy...huge (apparently, we're going to grow and nurse California Redwoods on our back porch). So when it came time load up the gigantic pot in the back of the vehicle, I told my dainty wife to step aside while I prepared to confront this giant.

As I picked up the pot, I was struggling to keep it from touching the white Polo shirt I was wearing. Without the white Polo shirt, I would have man handled the sucker, without incident. But Jamie, seeing my struggle (and interpreting it as a lack of strength), bear hugs the pot without warning, and with one sweeping move, takes the pot out of my arms and tosses it on the back seat. It unceremoniously bounces on the seat and comes to rest, thankfully without cracking.

I was slightly perturbed at Jamie for doing this. I/she could have dropped the pot on our feet. But I became quite irritated when a young Mexican girl laughed at me (she was the pot store owner's daughter). And I'm fairly confident she muttered, "Sissy," when she turned and walked away. Being an adult, I just ignored the young Mexican girl's mockery and got in the vehicle, but as I cranked the car, Jamie says, "You know that girl laughed at you, right?"

Love you, hun.

Some notes and asides:
  • Sunday evening, I was at this church.
  • Here's an insightful quote: "The greatest opposition to what God is doing today comes from those who were on the cutting edge of what God was doing yesterday." - R.T. Kendall
  • Jamie laughed at me when I sang this song to her while I was in the shower. Some skeptics are still doubting my stratospheric super diva abilities...
  • Stop....read...get in touch with the realities of governmental spending.
  • The above video clip of President Bush is not directly related to any aforementioned content. I just ran across it and enjoyed a jovial chuckle.
  • Official Blog Observer Joe Nathan Snerdley reminded me about the "advice posts" I promised to write a couple of weeks ago. I know, I know...

Friday, June 6, 2008

Pizza Outrage


I finished up lunch with John and Aime a few moments ago. While eating at this restaurant in Clinton, I witnessed a quintessential example of the horrors of corporate America.

Advertising the $5 Hot-N-Ready, a young child was outside dancing, a couple of feet from a busy highway (similar to the above video) in the searing heat, waving a sign around. I wasn't compelled to buy a pizza. My heart was lifted by his antics but brought down by the inhumane working conditions. To protest, I'm taking Jamie tonight to Sal and Mookie's.

Oh the times, they really are hard.

Political Lagniappe

I haven't given you, the faithful Ford Retort reader, much political commentary. So let me give you a terse piece of jerky to chew on:

John McCain=closet liberal
Democrat nominee=Clinton fatigue
Republican nominee=conservative Democrat
Barack Obama=George McGovern

Now its your turn! Leave a comment with your political equation.

An article on gas prices.
An article on health care.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Deer in the Headlights

I always have believed that a man who can't remember his anniversary is a dolt. Seriously, you don't have to be a member of Mensa or be a sub-atomic particle researcher to remember one very important date. But fellow men, I stand corrected.

Somebody asked me today, "What day did you get married?" May I humbly submit that I believe after that question was asked, the look on my face was similar to the above picture...or maybe someone who has been deprived of oxygen for 5 minutes.

All I can say is that I simply drew a blank. I couldn't remember (it's March 15, by the way). I could remember a lot about that day, just not the actual number of the day (I might could have guessed March). I did finally come to me (Beware the Ides of March). Oh my...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Ford Retort PSA

The Ford Retort is pleased to provide you with the following public service announcement:

Exercising in High Traffic Areas
Wednesday, June 4, 2008

While few folks doubt the benefits of and need to exercise, exercising in high traffic areas can lead to unsolicited scorn.

Many folks decide to exercise, specifically run, in high traffic areas. An example of a high traffic area would be a well traveled road. Even though there may be advantages to exercising in high traffic areas, the negatives far outweigh the positives.

A benefit might include increased self esteem. A runner might conclude, "Hey, everybody driving by me is impressed by my momentum and emphasis on physical health. Now I really need to impress them by taking off my shirt."

A negative externality, ironically, is decreased self esteem. Once the exerciser gets in touch with reality, he or she will realize that unless you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger (like this, not this), you will be the object of uproarious laughter, mockery, and scorn. The folks who drive by you are really laughing at you. No, the people honking at you are not rooting you on, they are bringing attention to your jiggly flab. Don't forget, you are only proving to everybody that exercise does not make a person skinny.

A solution to this problem would include covering up your half-naked, white, flabby body. I don't make you look at me naked (unless you're the mailman), so I have no desire to look at you naked. Seriously, put some clothes on.

This has been a Ford Retort Public Service Announcement.

Freedom Isn't Free

Read this story!

When I finished the article, I was overwhelmed with a sense of humility and gratitude. I hope you experience similar emotions, and take time to be thankful to God.

She Just Won...A New Car!

I guess this would be worth a new car...

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I Met the Mailman


Jamie and I had some fun this past weekend. We had several friends over, grilled up some burgers, and did a little bowling (and squeezed in a wedding at this place...and reception at this place)! Unfortunately, I can't say we got much accomplished, in regards to "real life" responsibilities...

A new home means new neighbors. One of our neighbors was kind enough to invite us over the other evening. But Saturday morning, I had the delight of meeting our mailman, in a rather unorthodox manner.

I slept in on Saturday morning because I did not sleep well the previous night. I could likely attribute my sleeplessness to a couple of different factors, but the primary reason, IMHO, is directly related to the clock on Jamie's nightstand. Although Jamie denies it, the clock display is apparently designed to mimic the Arora Borealis. The bright light from the clock leads to the inadequate release of Melatonin in my body, thus leading to irregular sleep patterns for me.

All that to say, I slept in Saturday morning, even though Jamie left fairly early that morning to run some errands. When I awakened and arose, I opted for a shower (no news there). After I took off my clothes and turned on the hot water in the shower, I went to grab a towel...but there was none in the linen cabinet. No big deal...I'll grab one out of the guest bathroom.

Now let me give you a small geographical overview of our house. Leaving the master bedroom, you must traverse the living area before arriving to the guest bathroom. Our front door is actually a pair of doors, with large and spacious windows. Is this relevant? Yes. Why? Because I was naked when I set out to retrieve my towel (see previous paragraph).

I considered the possibility that someone (a lucky someone, might I add) could see me naked as I went after the towel, but with a split second decision, I opted to take my chances. After all, why would any person be at my front door on Saturday morning.

A book I ordered from Amazon.com arrived Saturday, and was too big to fit in my mailbox. Our mailman was kind enough to bring it to our front door.

All I can say is that what happened after this point is really speculation. I can't prove it, but I imagine the mailman thought, "Let me just give a friendly wave to that naked man, and I'll go about my business. He does, after all, have a cute butt." And true, I don't remember specifically thinking, "Hey, let me really thank the mailman for giving me a warm welcome to the neighborhood by completely turning around." Worst of all, I can't figure out why I chase him out to the street screaming, "It isn't what it looks like!"

An Old Song

Yesterday evening, I stumbled across a favorite old song of mine: "He Looked Beyond My Fault and Saw My Need." Here is the story behind the song. The lyrics are below. Exquisite!

Amazing grace shall always be my song of praise,
for it was grace that bought my liberty;
I do not know just why He came to love me so,
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary,
to view the cross where Jesus died for me,
how marvelous the grace that caught my falling soul;
He looked beyond my fault and saw my need.

I still receive questions about two, somewhat uncommon songs that were sung at our wedding. They are "The Love of God," and "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go."

I love a good hymn!

I'm a Gonna Go To Hell When I Die


Uh oh! I'm screwed! Looks like I'm going to Hades....