Thursday, May 8, 2008

I Have Issues and Know It

A friend dropped in at my office today, and you know me, I'm always looking for a good time.

When my friend (let's call her Alexis) trotted over to my desk, she caught me on the end of a phone call with a patient (let's call her Ms. Smith...that HIPAA thing messes up my stories). As I was winding down the call with Ms. Smith, I decided to see how gullible Alexis was. My conversation with Ms. Smith consisted of something along these lines...

mEf: Thanks for calling, Ms. Smith (I made sure Ms. Smith had hung up the phone).
pause
mEf: Hey Ms. Smith, before you go, let me ask you something. Our pharmacy software has recently been updated, and we now have a field for patient sexual orientation. If you are comfortable answering several questions, I can add these very important pieces of data to your record.
pause
mEf: Great, Ms. Smith. I appreciate your willingness to ensure we have complete medical records. Ok. Let's get started. Would you describe yourself as heterosexual or homosexual?
pause
mEf: Well, our software doesn't have the ability for date ranges, so I'll go with your current orientation.
pause
mEf: Yes ma'am, I am aware of Woodstock, but again, our software can only record current sexual orientation (note: Alexis was freaking out at this point).
pause
mEf: Ok. Homosexual. Next question. Would you describe yourself as monogamous or polygamous?
typing
mEf: Ok. How many partners?
typing
mEf: Let's just count people. Again, we don't have a field to differentiate between people and inanimate objects.

The gag was over at this point because I could no longer keep a straight face. Alexis was simultaneously embarrassed and relieved in ascertaining the truth: a little fun to break up the monotony of the work day is a good thing.

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