Friday, May 30, 2008

Thirsty Thursday @ M Braves

Jamie and I and some friends participated in another successful "Thirsty Thursday" at the Mississippi Braves game yesterday evening. If you were there with us, you might have heard the following phrases:
  • "Tirsty Thursday"
  • "Hurry...we're gonna miss the kick off."
  • "I'm gonna bust a new hole in my pants."
  • "Bring both of them."
  • "He must have got a good report."
  • "Who you talkin' about?"
  • "Well that's what happens when you date Catholics."
  • "I wonder if I can find a stud muffin shirt..."
  • "What do you call that chalk bag?"
  • "He's just inappropriate."
  • "Strike three, comin' up!"
  • "You don't have to know your ABCs."
  • "Use your inside voices."
  • "That's a boy color."
  • "What do you call it...blasphemy?"
Yeah, I know you had to be there, but it was worth repeating. And a tip of the fedora to Julie...she scored some good tickets! Have a peaceful and productive weekend. I'm going to give it a shot...

The Proverbial "Kick in the Gonads"

This is interesting. At least the pain from the contractual "kick in the gonads" is now attenuated...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Spelling Bee

IMHO, too much learning can be a bad thing. Exhibit 1: Scripps National Spelling Bee.

The National Spelling Bee is taking place today and tomorrow. If someone accused me of being a linguaphile, I couldn't, with any iota of veracity, deny the accusation. I receive the "Word of the Day," and an exquisitely descriptive and well-placed word in sophisticated conversation brings me great pleasure!

But have you seen the kids in the competition? Uber dorks! I mean, these kids make me look very smooth and debonair! When I watch the spelling bee (yes, I try to take in a couple of minutes), I feel compelled to sing the praises of shows like A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (a show which I recently banned from my household. There is an exception, though: you may watch this show in my household if, beforehand, you drink a glass of warm saliva). These kids need some culture...I would even support filthy pop culture, for these dire cases

I shouldn't say those things...these are the future problem-solvers of tomorrow. And maybe I don't know what I'm talking about (Jamie subscribes to this theory). Check this out! And this too!

p.s. the above clip is a favorite!

Lovin' This!

You can get GWB out of Texas, but you can't get Texas out of GWB. Check out the "story" here.

Stratospheric Super Diva

Changing abodes leads to new marriage-related discoveries. I was not, I admit, prepared for this.

In the apartment, Jamie and I showered and dressed in separate bathrooms because the master bathroom was too small. Now we get ready in the same bathroom...together...never more than 20 feet from each other. So you can imagine my intense bewilderment when Jamie got mad at me for singing (more often just humming) in the shower this morning. Apparently, she hasn't heard it the last two and a half months. Now I need to explain something to you. When I'm in the shower, I'm, for lack of better term, a stratospheric super diva.

Most people (at least men) tend to have lower voices in the morning. Not me. I can sing my full range at any time. So I take advantage of this. I mean, if you were me and could nail this song at 6:30 am, wouldn't you do it? But Jamie is not impressed. My killer dance moves even fail to pacify her fits of lamentation. I believed my ability to simultaneously sing the melody and harmony on this song might impress sir. And I would have tried out this song, but when I sang along to it the other day when we were in Bed Bath & Beyond, she all but tackled me (it might have had something to do with the fact that I used a skinny pillow as a mic).

Well, live and learn. I will find other times to demonstrate my stratospheric super diva abilities.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Rising Price of Gas

Who's to "blame" for the rising price of gas? Take a look:

Check out this article. And this article. And this article.

Notes & Asides

  • Still have some chicanery in the works...
  • I think my cousin Caleb preferred our apartment over the house (he asked why we left the hotel and moved to the house). Admittedly, the apartment did have a gate and a lake with ducks, which appealed to him.
  • Several "experts" have insisted the snake which made its home at our front door (until we beheaded it) was not a copperhead.
  • Jamie (against her will) and I have switched to GMAIL. Yeah, we should have done this a long time ago, but late is better than never. Jamie and I will take advantage of the shared calendars, so I can keep up with her nursing schedule and she can keep tabs on me. Also, I have installed the Blackberry GMAIL application. It was oh so painless!
  • Speaking of painless, my friend Andrew has issued an official denunciation of Windows Vista. And I'm certainly not excited by this.
  • This guy died (cue the whistling)
  • Am I the only person in the world who doesn't give a damn about the "Sex in the City" movie (I will not dignify it by providing a link)?
  • Dork alert! This fascinate me.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

New House

Well, good morning! Jamie and I experienced a busy weekend. For those of you who don't know, we moved into a new house Friday and Saturday. My desire is to tell you that I will be posting more frequently, but we're still without internet access. Working on it with these slow folks.

For this rookie home-buyer, our purchase went quickly...maybe too quickly. Jamie and I signed the contract and closed on the house a week and a half later. We didn't use one of these, even though Gene Edwards (former WAPT anchor) has been doing commercials for these folks, urging us to do otherwise. The dust is settling and furnishings are finding their homes. I feel Jamie and I are on the brink of normalcy.

If you were around, you might have heard these statements:
  • "What MC baseball player did you get that from?"
  • "Uh huh...found a stud."
  • "Please don't electrocute yourself!"
  • "Let's go ahead and do it."
  • "Jamie/Michael...shut up!"
  • "Numb nuts!"
Sunday evening, Jamie and I took an evening stroll around the neighborhood. When we returned to our front door, we were surprised to find what we now believe to be a 6 foot copperhead snake. With some helps from the neighbors (a tip of the fedora to Gary and Julie), we successfully beheaded the snake. We unceremoniously dumped the body in the dumpster of the local Dollar General. Pictures coming soon (of the house and snake).

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jason: Part 1

So Snerdley found a guest poster. But first, an introduction.

Jason Sanders and I became good friends at MC. I quickly realized that Jason was a "good kid" (not a title I bestow with impudence). So without further adieu, Mr. Jason Sanders, in his own words:

When Michael asked me to do this interview, I was a little apprehensive, with a dash of excitement, and a pinch of anxiousness. I could not wait for the chance to talk about myself on a website as revered as the Ford Retort, yet I could not help but wonder if such an honorable audience like the one that reads this prestigious site would care to read about just one of the many friends of Michael Ford. After Michael calmed me and gave me my daily dose of confidence and perspective, I could not be more happy, and I am more than willing to honor such a humble request of an interview with the one and only Michael Ford.

I was an outgoing young boy; however, I was never quite sure of myself. Sure I could jump into any conversation, or be a part of any crowd, but there was a yearning from within to refrain and doubt myself. This trait would come into full blossom throughout high school and some of college. At least until I met Michael Ford. You see, Michael showed me a side of myself I never dreamt existed. And it was his encouragement and determination to make me a success, that in fact created some sort of fabulous super awesomeness that sits in front of this keyboard typing to you. All of the self doubt that originated in my youth has now faded away, leaving an intricate, fully formed inner shell of self awareness, charm, and down right confidence that would have never come to fruition unless I had met Michael.

Throughout my youth and high school years, my self doubt had created an awkwardness that would lead to embarrassing moments everyday. For instance, one day in high school I actually farted in class to a roar of laughter and a paleness of my face. I really tried to be cool. But nothing I did was ever successful and using my secret farting talents in public was sure not to help. I had a close group of friends that I still hold dear, and their unjudging eyes were the only windows of solace in which I found comfort. Michael changed all of that for me, and I owe every bit of my coolness and popularity to him.

At first, I did not really have a reason for MC being my choice to finish my college career. But now I know there was a higher calling and purpose for my attendance there. Michael Ford is not mortal. His brain is too far powerful and far reaching to resemble anything similar to human organs. His countenance and problem solving skills alone are enough to make men shy away and watch in fear through their hands. I was subconsciously drawn to this force and my unforgivable good looks and GPA are a result.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

(Admitted) Filler

If I'm ever short on time or simply don't desire to write, I can post several funny videos to give the appearance of content (and you would have been none the wiser, if I hadn't admitted as much).

Oh no, this idea is not original to me. Have you ever seen World's Most Outrageous "fill in the blank" shows on TV? Same concept. I mean, who doesn't love seeing something gross and disgusting? So here it goes:

Monday, May 19, 2008

Monday Notes & Asides

  • Not long ago, Jamie and I spent some quality time watching various segments of Whose Line Is It Anyway on YouTube. Tons of fun! If you have the time and means, I would highly recommend it.
  • I won't be posting much this week. Instead of visiting this site 5-6 times a day (as I know many of you do), I would recommend 1-2 times a day.
  • You and I will be chatting about exciting news (that some of you already know about) next week.
  • I'm getting Snerdley to schedule some guest bloggers.
  • Future posts: advice for recently-betrothed couples and advice for recently-married couples. I look forward to making some folks mad on those two!

Friday, May 16, 2008

I've Been Hit

It's always been my belief that God has a great sense of humor. Here's one of many pieces of evidence for my belief: He created men and women with innate differences, but man and woman desire to marry one another, cohabitate together, and procreate together. And somewhere in between all that, these differences can lead to tension.

Yesterday evening, I was reclining on our couch and reading...minding my own business. Jamie was in the room...doing something I don't recall. While reading, a common housefly landed on the book I was holding in my lap. I noticed it, and unfortunately, so did Jamie (some quick background info: this fly entered our apartment Monday evening, and we've been vigorously trying to squash it ever sense).

Immediately, Jamie shouted out from across the room, "Don't move," as she reached for a nearby object. I immediately retorted, "Put that down. Let me get it." As usual, she completely ignored what I said and threw one of these magazines at the fly.

The fly escaped unscathed as the (very thick) magazine sailed over my body and firmly struck me in the mouth.

Have you ever been so furious you couldn't say anything?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Notes and Asides

  • I ate lunch today at this place with several of the staff from this place. We exchanged stories, laughs, and even a little legal advice.
  • Jamie and I have some big news.
  • This gave me the hibbie jibbies.
  • I have some chicanery-tweaking to do. Ahhh!
  • I've been spending some quality time at this place.
  • These are a few of my favorite things: my favorite color is green (sea green being my favorite shade); my favorite Bible verse is Isaiah 9:6; my favorite wife is Jamie; my favorite animal is the turtle; my favorite actor is Tom Hanks; Ron White and Robin Williams both are my favorite comedian...maybe (but only one of those guys makes it on this list); my favorite moment from this presidential election season is this. I may do that again some time soon.
  • I have a very nice watch (tip of the fedora to Bob), but I never remember to wind it up...need to work on that.
  • I was going to include my favorite restaurant on the above list, but I can't decide. My least favorite restaurant: a Mexican one.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Chicanery Abounds!

Chicanery does indeed abound! But, so you'll know, I am not a chicanery propagator, nor do I play one on TV.

I've recently added some more chicanery to my plate, though. Unfortunately, polite discourse would not include a discussion of my objectives and subterfuges. Maybe we can talk about it on the other side of eternity.

My schedule has all but completely precluded me from spending time writing for the Ford Retort. I'm praying for a summer slump! I'll check with Official Blog Observer Joe Nathan Snerdley about lining up some guest writers.

The Ford Retort would also like to extend its condolences to the family and friends of this guy. And feign outrage about this.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Tis the Season to Graduate

The end of May traditionally signals the end of formal academic endeavors. Institutions of learning hold ceremonies to recognize and commend students for achievements and to celebrate education. Yet don't forget the poke in the eye that is the commencement address. In a last-ditch effort to effect the students' skulls of full of mush, the institution imposes the much-maligned commencement speaker on the candidates for graduation.

This man and myself managed the technical needs of a recent high school graduation. Following this sentence, you will find words and phrases that we heard the commencement speaker say: infidel, damned breasts of Britney Spears, atheism, liquor, cocaine, consequences, Ecclesiastes, hypocrisy and double speak, John the Revelator and the end times, liberal Hillary Clinton, choices, running with scissors, cardinal sins, snares of Lucifer, taking the path of least resistance, and unbridled courage.

Hmm. I'll give the commencement speaker an A+ for absurd entertainment, but he earned a D- for originality. Really, telling high school graduates to avoid liquor in college? It's been done.

I will admit, I fabricated a couple of the words and phrases, but trust me, you'd have a difficult time guessing which ones.


Monday, May 12, 2008

The quiet town of Ridgeland was rocked by a domestic dispute on Sunday evening. Initial details of the attack are not clear at this time

Witnesses, who would only speak to the Ford Retort on the condition of anonymity, relay a harrowing tale. Unprovoked, Jamie Ford attacked her husband, Michael E. Ford, using a knife coated with strawberry icing. Defending himself, Michael threw flour in Jamie's face. Jamie responded by plopping more strawberry icing on to Michael's head.

Allegedly, the dispute began when Jamie challenged Michael to acquire a piece of a strawberry cake she was preparing. Local authorities are characterizing the event as a "tragic calamity."

p.s. you may have known this.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I Have Issues and Know It

A friend dropped in at my office today, and you know me, I'm always looking for a good time.

When my friend (let's call her Alexis) trotted over to my desk, she caught me on the end of a phone call with a patient (let's call her Ms. Smith...that HIPAA thing messes up my stories). As I was winding down the call with Ms. Smith, I decided to see how gullible Alexis was. My conversation with Ms. Smith consisted of something along these lines...

mEf: Thanks for calling, Ms. Smith (I made sure Ms. Smith had hung up the phone).
mEf: Hey Ms. Smith, before you go, let me ask you something. Our pharmacy software has recently been updated, and we now have a field for patient sexual orientation. If you are comfortable answering several questions, I can add these very important pieces of data to your record.
mEf: Great, Ms. Smith. I appreciate your willingness to ensure we have complete medical records. Ok. Let's get started. Would you describe yourself as heterosexual or homosexual?
mEf: Well, our software doesn't have the ability for date ranges, so I'll go with your current orientation.
mEf: Yes ma'am, I am aware of Woodstock, but again, our software can only record current sexual orientation (note: Alexis was freaking out at this point).
mEf: Ok. Homosexual. Next question. Would you describe yourself as monogamous or polygamous?
mEf: Ok. How many partners?
mEf: Let's just count people. Again, we don't have a field to differentiate between people and inanimate objects.

The gag was over at this point because I could no longer keep a straight face. Alexis was simultaneously embarrassed and relieved in ascertaining the truth: a little fun to break up the monotony of the work day is a good thing.

Notes & Asides

  • Last night, Jamie and I ate at Bonsai Steak House, celebrating the birthday of a friend. After leaving my debit card and check with the waitress, I went to the bathroom. I returned to my seat after doing my business, and as I sat down, I noticed my debit card was on the Hibachi grill. I felt confident somebody was yanking my chain, but no, my debit card apparently tossed itself on the grill. All I'm going to say is that I gave our waitress a hot tip...
  • I'm involved in a bit of covert chicanery. Can't talk about it here though.
  • Since Jamie and I have been married, our Entergy bill has increased only $20. This was a surprise as I take long showers.
  • Thank you to my friends who never miss an opportunity to put a pack of this stuff on my windshield. No really, you shouldn't have.
  • Bowling ain't my thing, but I'm considering making it my thing.
  • I scraped Jamie's MC decal off her back window the other day; she's graduating soon and going to this place.
  • If I'm not mistaken (I should have confirmed last night but I didn't), I need to tip my fedora to Thad for a successful Facebook fake out! You may remember it is.
  • This guy will be saying, "I told you so," about this.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Weekend: Part 2

On Saturday, Jamie and I visited with her grandparents, who live in Port Gibson. We decided to eat at the Old Country Store, right down Highway 61 in Lorman.

Mr. D., owner of the Old Country Store Restaurant, boasts the best friend chicken in the world, and I have to say, that's a haughty claim, but he may be right. After we ate, Mr. D. came out and sang us a little grandmother was the cornbread cookin' queen...

Small-town life has always appealed to me. A laid back lifestyle ain't a bad thing to have. Maybe I'll retire to the country one day. And blog and write books. And harvest crops. And be mischievous like Bo and Luke Duke.

Messiah Complex

Apparently Barack Obama is the Messiah. Check it out here.

The Weekend: Part 1

Last Friday night, my cousins Caleb and Collin spent the night with Jamie and me. Caleb (age 5) and Collin (age 3) left their baby sister Claire (age 10 months) for a night of fun with us. Without a doubt, Jamie and I have two different parenting styles: I'm laid back; Jamie is hands on.

The events of the weekend again reminded me that disciplining a cute child is a very difficult action for me to take. Jamie and the boys and I were feeding ducks at the lake, and Collin declared, "That duck's a booty" (may I inform you that "booty" is a four letter word for a three year old). Instead of exhorting Collin, I said, "Yeah, and I think he eats poo poo." Collin and I laughed heartily and slapped our knees, but Jamie glared at both of us and reminded us that our vocabulary was inappropriate.

At about 4 am, Collin came into our bedroom and informed me that he had to poo poo. I acted on Collin's declaration by rolling over and telling Jamie, "Jamie, Collin has to poo poo." Then I went back to sleep. A similar series of events occurred when Caleb told me he needed a glass of water.

  • Since the boys take baths at night, their hair is a bit wild in the morning. But without prompting, they smooth it down themselves. Impressive!
  • Without warning, Caleb launched a small boulder into the lake, soaking Jamie.
  • Caleb threw Collin's crocs in the pool. Consternation!
  • The evening contained only one bloody nose.
  • Caleb and Collin demonstrated a comprehensive understanding of the fact that Jamie and I are now married.
  • We had some bad weather at night, but the boys handled it without issue.

So after eating, feeding the ducks, fun at the pool, and LOTS of cartoons, we took Caleb and Collin back home. And Jamie and I were off to Port Gibson.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Let's Go, Bravos!

Whoa! I need to get serious about the ol' Ford Retort. So I thought while Jamie was acquiring a healthy dose of stupid from The Hills, I would get my blogging habits back on track (you may recall that I've banned The Hills in our household; fortunately for Jamie, we're house-sitting tonight). Let's get it on!

Jamie and I and some friends attended a Mississippi Braves game last Thursday evening. The experience can be summarized in two words: crazy fun! The short of it is that relationships were forged, fun was had, souls were saved, and lives were changed (cue Hammond organ).

Towards the end of the game, our group became fixated on an older, redneck couple (let's call them Bill and Hillary). Not because we have a fixation for those type folks, but rather because bad dancing between innings is hard to ignore. Bill and Hillary were an old-fashion lesson in loosening up and becoming uninhibited. Between Hillary's YMCA dance and Bill's bad umpire jokes, we could barely focus on the game.

As the crowd thinned, I moved to an empty seat closer to Bill and Hillary, covertly mocking them as entertainment for my friends. In the midst of my antics, the Braves pull out a victory...a very unexpected victory.

Along with Bill and Hillary, I became lost in the excitement. The energy was palpable, and the excitement was electric. Victory is indeed sweet! Before I knew it, I was engulfed in a wild flurry of fist-pumps and hip swivels, dancing to and fro. The JumboTron in Trustmak Park displayed a dude dancing, and I was really digging his moves. So I started following along. And let me tell you, me and this guy were connecting...making every move at the same time...we had synergy. And I'm a guy that doesn't have much rhythym. Then it hit me...

I was the guy dancing on the JumboTron.

I quickly glared down at my friends. Their faces conveyed a sense of horrid disbelief. After several seconds to process the scene, they erupted in laughter. I turned around and looked over my shoulder, and lo and behold, Bill and Hillary were laughing at me. Oh well...

Some statements you may have heard at the game:
  • "Why is everybody talkin' about walking? Is Haley Barbour here or something?"
  • "Cat fight!" (that was me, by the way...)
  • "Tirsty Thursdays!" (no, I did not misspell "thirsty")
  • "Julie, you're yelling!"
  • "How many points do we have again?"
  • "Hey...go Braves!"
  • "You do not even know me."
  • "Strike three...comin' up!"
  • "After tomorrow, I'm going to own Miskelly's."
Notes and asides:
  • I've decided to start shaving everyday. Before the genesis of this week, I shaved on Sundays and Wednesdays.
  • Isn't this considered a stereotype?
  • Caleb and Collin stayed with us Friday night. I'll be chatting about that tomorrow.
  • Lately, I've been workin' for the weekend.
p.s. The above video is of the infamous Phillip Wellman meltdown. Also, here is an interesting video on the difficulties of being an umpire (for those that know me well, I'm not sympathetic..).

Friday, May 2, 2008

The City of Detroit

Hear ye, hear ye, embarrassed residents of Jackson:

If you think the antics of the Jackson City Council are like a straight man at an Elton John concert (that to say, an atypical circumstance), check out the above video. Councilwoman Monica Conyers is exercising some woman power, at the expense of Council President Ken (Shrek) Cokrell! The City of Detroit is experiencing a bit of may be familiar with this story.

Is it bad that when I read of these antics, I feel better about myself?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Perry Noble on Relationships

Below you will find some good, good things on relationships from Perry Noble of NewSpring Community Church.

How To Be Pursued by a Guy
How To Pursue a Young Lady
Six Signs the Dating Relationship is in Trouble

One of my favorite statements Perry makes about relationships: "Guys, if you use Ephesians 5:22 on your wife, you're a loser!"