Thursday, March 6, 2008

Confession: A Ford Retort Exclusive

You may recall that one of last week's posts contained the revelation that I would be simultaneously revealing a deep, dark secret to the blogospehere and Jamie. Ladies and gentlemen, faithful Ford Retort readers, buckle your seatbelt because it may get wild.

Jamie and I are different (I doubt anybody fell out of their chair when they read the previous sentence). One of the many ways that truth manifests itself is in housekeeping. I like to throw stuff away; Jamie does not. If it's useless to me, I throw it away. No questions asked. Another fact that you need to know about's crucial to my that I am very bullheaded.

For Christmas, Jamie had a specific set of decorations that I truly loathed. The offending decor? A set of red Christmas flowers (fake ones) that she put in a vase. Let me repeat that I truly loathe these flowers. They are ostentatious. They are ugly. They are glittery. They are garish. And for some reason, they really grind me gears (I may bring this us with my therapist). These hideous abominations just scream "trashy redneck." At the risk of being redundant and belaboring the point, let me reiterate that I hate those flowers ("those flowers" will hereafter be referred to as the trashy red flowers).

Of course Christmas has come and gone. Christmas decorations have all been put away. So I thought...

One night last week, I was treading through Jamie's apartment, and lo and behold, in the guest bedroom closet, the trashy red flowers were laying on the floor, staring me in the eyes. Huh.... I can only assume we forgot to pack them away in January. But as I looked at the trashy red flowers, a wave of emotions overcame me. I remembered the embarrassment and ignominy I felt every time I had to walk by the trashy red flowers. I felt anger and rage. And I felt the need for revenge. After that moment, I don't recall many details. Everything started to move in slow motion.

I grabbed the trashy red flowers. I distracted Jamie. And I told her I would be right back.

I put them in the back seat of my car and headed for the dumpster. Something sinister had overtaken me. I started to put my vehicle in reverse and of all the things I could have done at that moment, I did only one thing.


I began to laugh hysterically. It was a sinister laugh. Like the Joker. Do you remember a time when you did something really bad and intellectually understood that your actions were morally reprehensible, but laughed and gloated anyway because it felt so damn good to stick it to somebody (that may only be me)? Ah yes...

The last thing I remember was pulling up to the dumpster and throwing the red trashy flowers away. I may have blacked out at that moment.

I quickly rushed back to the apartment. When Jamie saw me, she asked about my disheveled appearance. I told her that a ravenous baboon attacked me while I was on my errand, and I fought him off. She accepted my story without any further questioning.

Hang on. Let me collect my thoughts. I am shaking. Snerdley, get me a warm rag and a glass of water!

Jamie, I am so sorry I threw your trashy red flowers away (actually, I'm not). Maybe next Christmas, we can acquire Christmas decorations that are palatable to both you and me. This would without a doubt be a rewarding experience as we continue to reconcile our personal preferences.


Rusty said...

Trashy red FAKE flowers should not have to be tolerated by any self-respecting man.

Jamie Baker Ford said...

what Michael doesn't realize is that those "trashy red flowers" were actually very expensive flowers bought from The Cupboard with HIS money! hahahaha!

andrew said...

i think Michael was willing to part with the monetary value of the "trashy red flowers" as long as they were not in the apartment...

Have you seen CMT's new show My Redneck Wedding...HAHAHAHA