Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Condiment Hustlers Grind My Gears

Anytime I have a meal at Chick-fil-A, I request copious amounts of the Honey Roasted BBQ sauce they have (an alleged recipe for the sauce can be found here). And the tug of war begins.

The employee of whom I've made the request begins to become uncomfortable. He or she begins to shift their weight from leg to leg...eyes darting to and fro...perspiration forming on the brow. Yet with great fear and trepidation, the employee manages to buck the status quo and give me a whopping three packets of sauce. And because it's been such an unpleasant experience to observe the emotional anguish the employee has undergone, I just can't find it in me to tell him or her that I need at least three more packets of sauce.

So go through my dining experience unfulfilled. And bitter. And ready to fight someone.

Yes, I must admit, I almost got into a fight with a manger at Wendy's because she wouldn't give me an extra caesar dressing for my caesar side salad. I ordered an extra caesar dressing at the time I placed my order, so they had opportunity to charge me for it. And when I received my order sans the extra caesar dressing, I gave a raucous explanation as to why I wasn't leaving the drive through until I got my extra caesar dressing (in case you're wondering, I did get it without paying)

I am tired of begging fast food employees for condiments. It's simply inane to beg for a 2 ounce packet of sauce. Shame on the fast food industry for forcing their employees to be condiment hustlers. You know, why should I have to go up to an employee and pretend to be happy and polite and brown nose somebody for the remote chance of earning their favor in return for extra condiments? I mean really, does that not make me a condiment whore? I give you a warm, friendly give me extra condiments. An illicit exchange of goods and services if you want my honest opinion (and you do, of course, because that's what the Ford Retort is about)!

As of today, I'm taking a stand...I will no longer acquiesce to the fast food industry and be a condiment whore. Defeat condiment whoredom! Defeat condiment whoredom! Ladies and gentlemen, friends and enemies, lend me your ears. I declare condiment whoredom to be the largest and most pressing civil rights issue of my generation.

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